Honestly, many people are telling me I don't look like I came from the military because I don't like it and I'm not in shape plus I have a crazy hairstyle and that I'm lying about it. I don't know about you but if you have to leave the military because you developed a medical condition while on active duty, it's hard to deal with it. THen the place you've been gives you PTSD. The flashbacks from PTSD and disappointements from giving something you love, you just want to eat a lot ( I guess in my situation), stay in your bed all day and probably forget it by changing yourself so that you won't have to remember all these things before. I don't know but yeah you're right.. you won't expect to make me look like I came from the military because I honestly don't want to be associated with it. I love being in the military I really do or else I would've gone to college right away but you have to leave doing something you love is actually kinda hard you see. Physically, my late developing disability is something I can never change and the PTSD that's the worst thing I took home from service plus leaving your dreams just because your body told you so. It's all hard you know and I cope up by not trying to associate myself to it. I change my looks not because I had hated serving for my country or the people around it and also I did that not change because I hated myself why I have this disability or whatever.. I did that because I want to find my new self, understand my current self so that someday I have space to fill for loving my tragic old self. So no I'm not lying and niether I'm not a proud veteran. I love my country, I love myself and somehow along the way I just lost myself and what is the meaning of life. I'll get through this I just believe it and I know it's hard that I just want to kill myself but I want to trust myself I guess.. and I just hope these people will understand me. My friends. But most likely I don't care. But I could just hope they'd stop spreading to others that I'm a liar. Because I'm gonna tell this: they never have lived the place I had lived from and it's my world and it's just up to them whether they believe me or not. I don't care really..
I fucked up by not losing my necklace... I have an expensive and really thin necklace, which I wore to my boyfriend's birthday party. After the party, I placed it on my boyfriend's couch table (which stands on a really thick rug, keep that in mind) and left it there for about two weeks, because I wanted to wear it again on another party which was yesterday. So, we were getting ready for that party, and I noticed that my necklace wasn't lying on the table anymore. I panicked and told my boyfriend, who first asked me if I had maybe already put it into my drawer. I said I hadn't, without looking because I was so SURE... he then looked everywhere for me. He even went outside and looked into the trash bins. Just while he was doing this, I looked into my drawer, and... you can guess it. I didn't want to tell him that he had just worked through trash for nothing because of my stupidity, so I threw the necklace into the rug, so it wasn't visible at first glance (possible because it's so thin and the rug so thick) and pretended to find it when he came back in. I somehow feel horrible for lying to him.
Being severely underweight is so depressing :(
sometimes I'm kinda overwhelmed by life that I knowingly make wrong decisions. like what is wrong with me. It's like I hit rock bottom and just for the sake of it I get out the pik axe and dig deeper. just because. Last week I had a perfect day until 6pm and suddenly shit started hitting the fan. I'm talking about Shit costumers, a break up, my phone screen getting smashed etc. Instead of going home and going to bed, I decided to sleep with my ex because,who is still in love with me but for some fucked up reasons isn't able to maintain a relationship. well why the fuck not? WTF is wrong with me and that was one of the rather not so bad things I've done.
I've procrastinated for so long that I have two days left to do three assignments. Which would be... about 5000 words altogether.
I'm a long time Star Wars fan and i'm not going to see the new film.
I have this memory where I’m a little boy and it’s the middle of the night and I’m being escorted out of a house by two police officers and I’m limping and I taste tears and blood and I’m sobbing and hiccuping and I’m shaking all over and there’s red and blue lights flashing on the front of the house and I hear the police sirens so loud that my ears ring. That was the night my mom attacked me with an iron rod. I was eleven; I’m fourteen now. I don’t live with my mom anymore. Now, I live with the couple that adopted me after I spent one week in foster care. My mom used to hit me in the head a lot. Really hard. With things made out of metal. It gave me brain damage. So now I have trouble remembering things. I have a hard time trying to say what I mean; I’ll say yes when I mean no, up when I mean down, left when I mean right. I’ll blurt out random words without meaning to. I zone out and stare at nothing for long periods of time. I’ll start saying something and have to stop myself halfway through because I forgot what I was saying. I also get nightmares often. I don’t always remember what they’re about, but I wake up panting and it feels like my stomach is tied in a knot and I feel like crying because I miss my mom so much but I know she doesn’t miss me and I know she doesn’t love me like I love her. I know she never wanted to have me. I was never even supposed to be born. I was a mistake. Sometimes I wake up and I’m already crying, and when that happens my…”foster dad” comes to my room and it’s like he already knows just what to do. He sits next to me and hugs me until I can catch my breath and stop crying. He tells me I’m alright. He says everything is okay. Sometimes it takes a long time for me to calm down but he never complains. One time he fell asleep hugging me and didn’t wake up until the next morning. It made me happy. But I was also saddened because I hate how much I have to be babied. I wonder if my foster parents are secretly annoyed by how much attention I need. When I ask them if they’re annoyed at me they say no but I think they’re lying to me. Sometimes when I need something from them I’m too afraid to ask because I don’t want to bother them. I would never want to make them angry. That’s the last thing I want. I’m so scared of making anyone angry that I’ve stopped asking for things unless I absolutely need them. I hope one day I’ll grow up and be...normal. I also hope that one day my mom will stop hating me. And that one day I’ll pay back my foster parents for all they’ve done for me. That’s what I want more than anything. I don’t know why I cried when I wrote this. I just miss my mom. They won't let me see her and it's making me crazy.
I am starting a new job in 5min. I am standing outside and am too afraid to go in. I mean, I will go inside eventually, but the fear is overwhelming. I'm a little afraid that I'll break down crying out of stress any second.
My boyfriend is asleep, lying next to me. His phone is buzzing the whole time because his friends have something very urgent to discuss with him - from the message fragments that appear on the screen, I could see that it's about some party plans on new years eve. I DO have the code for his phone, so I have three options right now: unlock his phone and text his friends that he's asleep right now (letting them know that I can read their texts and probably make them wonder if anything they tell my boyfriend is even safe; but the could tell me if it's so important that I have to wake my bf up), or ignore all that (probably the best choice but that leaves me feeling bad somehow), or waking my boyfriend up, which is almost out of discussion because I think that would be cruel (on the other hand, he might hate me for not doing it if it's really important). Wow, I'm realizing how stupid this problem sounds, but... it keeps me awake.
I got ur name tatted on my arm so we both ball till my dying days.