I hug my pillows on bed so I feel like I'm sleeping with someone... Im so damn lonely
I'd always wondered why my girlfriend didn't want children or marriage and it only intensified when I questioned her and she would clam up. I just assumed it was because she was a few years younger than me but today I found out the truth. It turns out that ever since she could remember her Dad was a violent alcoholic and her Mom was very negligent. Since she was extremely young, around the age of three, my girlfriend would get beat up her dad if her flew into one of his rages and her mother did nothing to stop it. She was also left to find her on food so nearly starved and was had to listen to the sounds of her parents physically fighting. She also had to protect her younger siblings and took beatings for protecting them, once when she was nine her dad smashed her head into a wall for protecting them. My girlfriend is beautiful, I'm not just saying that I truly mean it, is fluent in five languages and holds two degrees but having to admit this to me had her curl up into a tiny ball and cry. I am writing this with tears down my face, it took her 4 years to tell me because she was ashamed, I feel so angry and devastated.
I just realized I have a hard time telling someone my actual feelings but all I want is just to have someone to talk to about my problems. I tried to talk with my mom and my sister but they don't seem interested. Ugh. I am better off keeping my feelings to myself..at least I am interested towards how I feel.
I dont know who I am anymore. And please dont write any mean comments because they would actually make me feel worse
I'm on confesster because I don't feel like doing work in my online class so I'm pretending to write stuff for the class so my teacher will leave me alone.
Today is one of the days that I don't feel myself like a piece of shit. At academic writing lecture we were supposed to write a paragraph according to criterias that our teacher defined. So I put some effort and write a paragraph. So today, we had lecture again. Teacher came to class and said everyone failed expect two people. These 2 people are me and my ukrainian friend Alex. She complemented on my writing in front of whole class. That made me happy. It feels good when I'm not always a failure.
My boyfriend and i sort of broke up. We still love each other alot but he is too busy to have a relationship so we came to a mutual agreement. When we were talking about all this we were laying in his bed (no where else to go and had tonstay in the house) and we kept looking in each others eyes. (Most beautiful brown eyes ive seen on a guy) and we passionately kissed like we did the first time we met. Its so hars the fact hes so busy and im kind of busy but its so hard to even find time. Its heartbreaking that this is happening. I dont know what to do or say. Ive gotten back on dating websites but its like every guy who messages me theyre not good enough.
Gonna call her out tomorrow, probably the first time my courage is being tested...
As I grow older, I realize everything I've done has been a waste of time. . The world seems to be getting worse and all I hear is bad news all around. What is the point of working, what is the point of being. .. The world will continue to be evil and the gray majority of people are just sheep trying to get by until they die. .. It's all so pointless
I once believed in love. I thought the hate inside of me Would be extinguished. It Never happened. Then i realised that live is just a lie. It Never existet for me. Everybody who gets close to me realises that im a worthless Piece of Shit. And Then they leave and i can understand. I will live in the past forever. Thinking about all the Shit i have been through and all the wrong decisions i made. I feel ugly and dumb all my life. I hate this life so much. I alwaYs did. This World got nothing for me. I only love my best Friends and they are the only reason i am still around. Only drugs help me to feel a Little better. Im 24 now and life is like that since im 7. i can not stand anymore disappointments. Life is grey