I came home from a pretty disappointing day at work and found my fiance did all the dishes, all the laundry (including the bedding), swept and mopped the floors, and took the trash out. I didn't even have to ask. I was fully planning to do that stuff tomorrow on my day off. But he wanted me to be able to relax. And while he was putting my laundry away, he found my journal. He wrote a sweet note in it for me. No judgement at all for what I wrote, just love and support. I'm so happy I have a man like him in my life. Everyone deserves someone like him.
You asked me if I loved you. You were staring at my face and your fingers were digging into my cheeks. You were four times my age and were supposed to be in charge of me and my sister when my mom was at work. I suppose before all the bad things happened I might have loved you like a boy loves his aunt. You were not my aunt, but I once thought of you as one. But I had red marks on my upper arms from when you would pin me down to the mattress. And scratches on my hips from your artificial nails when you were frustrated and just wanted to take my pants off. I would flinch and my heart would sink with sheer terror every time it looked like you were reaching to grab my pillow. I was always always always afraid that you would suffocate me with it like you did when this all started. I was afraid you would kill me like that. I knew you as a violent person. I don't believe you showed that side of yourself to many people. But you showed it to me and now I'm always afraid. I was afraid then and I'm afraid now. Did I love you? I didn't know what you would do to me if I made you unhappy so I sobbed and stuttered a small, trembling "Yes." And you smiled. I don't remember a lot of the things I said at that age. None of it really mattered. But I always remember that one word and it hurts every time. My mom thinks the whole thing is really hilarious. I know you're on the phone with her a lot and I know you talk to her about me. I know you convinced her that I'm a delusional attention seeking liar. But you and I both know it happened and I hope that one day it haunts you like it haunts me.
I used to be so sure I wanted kids. I'm pretty sure I still do. I just worry I won't be a good mom. The attitudes 4 and 5 year olds give is going to drive me nuts. What if I fail as a mom? I know I won't be perfect and my kids won't be angels all the time. But what if I'm just a bad mom? I'm hoping our kids will be like I was when I was little. My grandma said I was always good, give me a baby doll and I was happy. I'd be okay with a kid like that. But my fiance was a wild child, had to get spanked and grounded a lot. If our kids are like that, I'm going to lose my mind. I'm trying to remember the parenting tips I read about when I babysit our nephews. But I still feel like I'm losing my mind already and if I can't do this now for 8 hours a day, how the heck will I do it 24/7? I want kids. I don't want to be childless forever. But I'm scared I won't be a good mom.
So i just found out today that this girl I liked only liked me because she thought I had money. I’m disappointed but relieved.
everyday, I had to witness my mom and my dad fighting. I'm so done. I feels like I want to ...
When I get in a depressive funk, it's hard to take care of my personal hygiene. I've gone weeks without taking a shower, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, etc. I'm trying to get better at that. So I'm keeping a journal to write down what I've done for personal hygiene that day. If I have proof of what I've done before, maybe it'll motivate me to do it again when the depression hits. Today I timed how long it took me to do everything in a morning routine. Showering (including shampooing and conditioning my hair), brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, and washing my face only took about 25 minutes. Putting on sunscreen/moisturizer, primer, foundation, and concealer only took 13 minutes. Including getting dressed, I can be ready in 45 minutes. Knowing it won't take that long, maybe it'll motivate me to just do it. I'm also thinking if I can think of the journal and days in a row I've taken a shower as a "streak" that could motivate me too. I enjoy keeping streaks with games on my phone I play, why not think of my personal care as a game too? I'm on day 2 of the journal and a 3 day streak of taking a shower. I'm proud of my progress so far, even if I won't tell anyone about it outside of this app.
Ah damn, I actually rely on imaginary friends to try and feel less lonely.
I'm gonna be honest here, when people discuss incels they always take the cream of the shit-crop as example. Trust me, I've been at the point of unquestioned selfhatred and involuntary celibacy, and I can asure you that most of these people are just really sad, do not feel entitled nor hold any unreasonable grudges against anyone other than theirself. Maybe I take the term "Incel" too loose, but to take the delusioned fools that have stared into the abyss of hatred and theoretical social-research as the prime example of an incel is like using a neonazi as the example for a conservative.
When I was eleven years old, my mom used to force me to hang out with this boy because she was friends with his mother. I never really liked him. he was kind of cocky and spoiled. we were the same age but he was bigger and stronger than me. so one day we were in my house and my mom and his mom were out getting coffee or something like that. when we went up the stairs, he got to the top before me and he spread his arms so that I couldn't get past him. I was still on the steps and he was blocking the way for me. he said something like "I got here first now you have to do something for me." he always did that. according to him, every time he 'beat me' at something I had to do something for him. I think any other day I would have submitted and done whatever he said just so that he'd drop the subject. But I was really frustrated that day and I said "I'm not doing anything for you, move out of the way." But he wouldn't move. I don't even remember what it was he wanted me to do. It was probably something really dumb. He said that I had to. Those were 'the rules.' And he was jabbing his finger in my chest. I don't really know what happened next. I think I yelled at him. Or I said something that really pissed him off. But then he and shoved me and I fell down the stairs. I don't really remember the actual fall. It was just like, he shoved me, then everything went black, then I was crying my eyes out while my mom held me because I was so sure that my arm was broken. But turns out it wasn’t actually broken, it just hurt a lot. My mom still made me hang out with him after that, which sucked because I was terrified of him from then on. I kind of pushed that all to the back of my mind once I stopped hanging out with him, but I realize now, six years later, that my dreams of falling off of cliffs and buildings are due to my falling down the stairs. Also, ever since he pushed me down the stairs, I have done this thing where I purposefully jump off the last five or six steps every time I’m coming down the stairs. I don’t know why. I think I just do it to show myself that I can and that it isn’t scary. I don’t know if that makes sense. The whole thing was dumb and I wish I could completely forget it.
I wish I had a friend. Someone to laugh and have fun with, but also to talk about serious issues and to help them with theirs as well. But I'm scared of people. When someone talks to me I want to run away like a child.