I suppose I feel guilty. There was this mother of four that used to work as an assistant manager at my store. I was a simple bakery employee. I always thought she was cute and fun. It was always enjoyable seeing her when she did her rounds, but to me she was out of my league and someone to just enjoy getting to crush on. ------ She because close with one of my coworkers before she got transferred to a different store. Maybe I went a month without hearing anything about her. I go to visit my coworker who tells me she was coming over as well. Honestly that was the reason I decided to visit. ------ Shes been going through a divorce. They weren't fully divorced but I already knew how bad she wanted out or thought I did. ------ im over and she comes over. the whole time I flirt with her. I ask for her phone so i can maybe find some pictures . she doesnt give it to me without checking first yet I still came across one and she blushed the rest of the evening. She left and I tell my coworker to be my wingman. ------ Few days later I here she askes about me so I texted her. Im asking her why she ask about me and shes telling me I made her laugh. im thinking cool I can get her to send me pics, but i realize she wanted something more. I thought about it and honest I thought maybe it was a sign I should get my life together. i tell her my faults and she's still okay with me. So i start thinking it could work. I could be a great man right now. ------ so she started coming over and we started kissing. she tells me we should wait for sex and honestly I wanted to but I just didnt like the idea of that being on my mind. she was always saying these things that turned me on and when we watched 50 shades she kept squirming. ------ my friend aka ex reminded me she was still married and had four kids. I realized i never thought about her kids for a second. i never thought how the father would still be a huge factor and It scared me. I told her about this fear and said i shouldnt be worried about it and that she was raising them not me. i always thought women with kids saw it as a package deal but it sounded like that wasnt the case. ------ my ex got in the mix and she ended up breaking up with me after leaving my place and getting into her car over texting. I was pissed. she didnt trust me to make decisions for myself. days later she texts me pretending it was an accident. we made up and she ask if we could try and though i was skeptical i said yes because i did like her a lot and wanted to get pass my fear. she came over and i got her in my bed, took off her pants and got what i refused to keep waiting for. i was hoping i would get addicted to her, i said some things about a bestfriend of hers. i could tell he had a crush on her but she was blind to it and i guess her realizing it made her mad. she left barely putting on all her clothes. ------ i was tired of her saying we should always talk things out. she was the one always leaving and not telling me what's wrong. the whole time I was thinking that maybe she was putting all eggs in one basket because i was the first to make her laugh after her husband who she married out of highschool. Her first. ------ I feel bad because she thinks I was running a game on her when I was only confused and trying to look passed barrier. I wanted to be a great man and she offered to help me. Things were moving to fast. she already was talking about marriage... she was already in love with I wanted to start with going on a date and progress. I used to fall in love at the drop of a dime and realize that wasnt love. because she fell in love so fast it made me think that maybe this isnt right. ------ she just went through a pregnancy scare by herself. i never believed she was pregnant by me at all. shes not. I feel bad because she thinks Im an ass and from her and anyone else point of view it seems true. my point of view she might not think that. i never lied. i never held back how I felt. Yet i feel shitty and I worry about her. ------ I dont want to forget her. I dont want her to hate me. but she thinks Im a heartless asshole and I let her think that, because i feel like im a heartless asshole who just was to afraid to be a man.