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Where I live there are places like school where students can go after school to actually learn because you have to be really lucky to manage to learn everything you need from school. We were having a test at this place, it was from an organisation and all the kids that attend these after school things had to write. There was an article about populism and we had to do a summary. I didn't understand shit. I was trying for an hour and I didn't even manage to understand what the Fuck the author wanted to say. Then we had a sentence from that same article we had to elaborate on but I had no clue what the Fuck this sentence was supposed to mean. I didn't even look at the essay we had to write, I gave the papers to the teacher without writing anything. She told me that it was hard and even she was having problems writing the summary and that she'd help everyone with the essay but I didn't want to stay. It had taken me a whole hour and I still hadn't understood the fucking article, it'd just be a waste of time and I didn't want to try more and feel even worse than I did so I just left because I didn't want her and the other students see my cry. I'm supposed to be good, I'm supposed to be one of the best students, but I couldn't understand the fucking article and im really scared and sad because we have exams that will define in which universities we can go and I have to get more than 90% but sometimes it seems hard. I'm not overreacting, lying or boasting but I'm one of the top 3 in my class and top ten in my year. I love most of the subjects I'm going to write tests on but sometimes I just do stupid things. I want to study physics and I fuck up all the time, even in simple things that I know but for some reason I can't remember, they don't come to my mind. And I feel so bad, I feel like a failure. I try to stay in my room but I have to go out sometimes and my parents keep talking to me, I don't want to get my frustration on them and I've told them but they won't stop and I get mad and then they get mad and I feel even worse than before because my dad gets mad and shouts at me like why??? Don't I have enough???? I've told you to just ignore me sometimes to prevent this,judt shut up!!! Shut up!!! I want to scream and cry and I want this to stop it's been 9 months and I don't know how I'm supposed to get through the last two. There are so many fucking times I just fantasise about stabbing myself with a knife, I don't actually want to do it but I imagine it and I think it'd be what I need but I'm too afraid to do it. I want to feel physical pain to distract me because it's the only thing that can, but I promised my friend I wouldn't cut myself again and I feel like a McFucking Mess™ I feel like crying and I feel weak and stupid for wanting to cry just fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkk I can't tell anyone else about this, I don't want to worry my family and my friends I'm really sorry you guys that read this I know it's a mess and it has a Shitload of mistakes I just needed to get this off my chest, not that it helped much but anyway

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  • I lost interest of what you were saying. Too much whining and crying about stupid shit

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