Suicidal thoughts r for selfish people.. right? Iresponsible.. thoughtless.. self pity.. What if ... ur in a position thts in a grey area... no use but u keep it in the side pocket.. if ur there all the tme.. makes things messy... clutered.. if ur not there.. doesnt matter... theyll remember u when they think they notice where they saw u last.. but it doesnt matter after the issue they needed u has passed.. An escape, its not death... ive done too much wrong in my life to just give it up now n not repent.. what if i do one really big wrong thing thats wrong by my belief n the norm.. n i swear to repent after tht.. what if i say tht im in a place that makes it imposible to be better , constantly stuck with the same shaped view of everything tht everyone needs to follow.. tied up with rules n confused with manipulative mind games.. hearts to care for n best cared for by me being invisible or a suck up.. strangeled with secrets and beat with the halusination of a better future that shaters with the last blink of every night before i sleep.. I couldnt hv imagined a better life lived.. Ive felt the bad n the good.. not extremely, i didnt feel anger to the level that i would shoot everyone.. ive never felt sad until i am thoughtless of the ones i love.. ive never felt happy until i loose grasp on reality.. but ive felt happy n sad n mad n everything.. myb thts all i was meant to feel.. bcuz for most of my life i didnt feel anything.. I dont want to die. N i dont want to kill.. i want to restart.. i want to diasapear..