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Some people like to fool themselves. I was married for 7 years, between 22 and 29 years old. It was a bad situation and I'm not going there again. So, move forwards a few years, I met this woman just 3 years younger than I am. We're dating and everything is going okay. But from the start I told her "I won't marry you. I have my place, you have yours; you can spend some days at my place, I can spend some days at yours, but eventually I will want a few days for myself at my own place, and marriage is out of question". She said "oh that's okay, it's a good compromise, plus I make more money than you so I don't need a new place to stay". Now, we've been in this relationship for almost 2 years. But then she starts saying things like "we could join our stuff in one apartment and rent the other" and I'm like "you remember I said NO MARRIAGE AT ALL?" But she says "it's not marriage, it's for practical reasons". She know FULL WELL that "living together" counts as marriage for legal purposes in our country. So I told her "no, we're not doing that". Now she's fucking MAD at me. I'll end this relationship, as it is not good for anyone anymore, and I'm sure she'll paint me as an asshole to her friends and family. But fuck that. I TOLD HER two years ago, when we started dating. NO. MARRIAGE. AT. ALL. Why won't people listen?

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  • It's kind of stupid of you to be like 'my first marriage sucked so I'll never get married again'. But you did tell her in the beginning what your intentions were, so she shouldn't really be mad... although maybe what she wanted changed over the course of two years, and/or she was hoping you had changed your mind. A lot of people say they'll never marry again after a divorce. She probably feels like she's not good enough to change your mind, like you don't love her enough to marry her or even live together with her. My feelings would be hurt too.

  • First: I don't think you're the asshole here and you're doing the right thing if you leave her. But I can also understand her. It was okay for her when you told her right at the beginning that you don't want all that, because at that point she also didn't want all that; but her wants and needs simply changed over time. Maybe she now just generally want marriage more, maybe she fell in love with you in a way that she never could have dreamed of, and because of that she now hopes and thinks that you also changed your mind and love her enough to overcome your old trauma. The fact that you don't simply hurts her too much to be logical now, if your love doesn't get returned the way you want to you don't just step back and say "he told me from the start so it's okay" (you could, but most people can't). Relationships don't work like a job offer where you can simply say "you know what you got yourself into when signing the contract", because when you "sign" the "relationship contract" at the beginning, you're likely a completely different person or in a completely different emotional state. And yes, many women also go in there ignoring when a man tells them it's never going to end the way they want to in hopes of changing the man; it's debatable whether this is foolish or not because I actually know more cases in which it worked than cases in which it didn't. I can only advise you to be as considerate as you can be with her, don't feel bad if she puts all the blame on you; she probably only does it because deep down she thinks it's her fault you don't want to marry her.

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