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it sounds like a really stupid thing to complain about but it's actually really exhausting and self deprecating to have a (drop dead) gorgeous best friend. boys dont take a second glance at me, im not as witty or even remotely smart as her, i dont have the bubbly and nurturing personality for people to like me, and i certainly dont have her looks. I feel like every second with her is every second of my self esteem diminishing, i sound hella dramatic but keep in mind that i dont even have a stable mentality or even a self esteem to begin with. literally a second after i wrote that sentence i bursted into hyperventilating tears. i dont know whats wrong with me. i get these random fits of outbursts and i seem to sink deeper into this thing of feeling absolutely shitty and utterly worthless. it's easy to say that i'm jealous of her but i dont even think it's about that at this point, i guess i have self esteem issues, but it's hitting me way deeper. shes my best friend and i love her to death but sometimes being around her hurts . I can't even be mad at her, how could i? she makes it hard to. I haven't gone out for like months and i always come up with bs excuses but truth is, its hit me to the point where i feel so ugly and disgusting for the world and i'd rather be alone in my safe haven than to be exposed out there.

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