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I was out drinking at the nightclub I usually go to. At some point that night I find myself with a friend, that I dont really talk to, but we know eachother. Now it still feels like all a blur. I cant remember if it was flirting or me just talking about random stuff. I'm fairly certain it was the outfit that caught his eye. 10+ drinks in me, I was drunk, I could barely walk, my words were slurred. I find myself cuddling up to my friend. Then out of no where he kisses me. After cuddling for sometime, I get up out of nowhere to sprint to the toilet. To vomit. About 3 steps later its done, too late. Ive vomitted. (side note: surprised I wasnt kicked out after that.) After that I remember having a dart, thinking I dont want to walk home alone. I was mostly just wanting someone to walk with me, but my friend wasnt actually drinking, and was able to drop me off. I spent 2 hours outside of my house after closing time, in his car, making out, (was really surprised since vomit breath). And things were escalating. My neck, my breasts, my theighs covered in hickeys. In my head was running, "I dont want to have sex." From how rough this guy was, I remember my legs shaking. And in my heart, I know it wasnt the cold. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, and tell him, please dont put my seat back. Because after tearing apart my fishnets, gliding a knife along my skin, and I didnt know if I was ready for this. Now theres clear access. And I had no intentions, and Ive never found myself in a situation like this. Ive had a similar story but that much longer and complicateder. The main connections are me saying no. Letting it happen, even though I'd rather not. And I didnt think it was going to happen, because I had been drinking, but it happened anyways. idk if I felt trapped, but I didnt try either way. fucking me in the most awkward position and sucking on my neck like a vampire. I notice someone literally walk right past the car on the road, I said something and he practically shaked it off as nothing. Now what I cant get off my mind is consent. Is what we did okay? Because a general rule is no. But sometimes I find myself losing my voice when I am very vulnerable. Idk if this is technically classified as rape or not. But it just leaves a burning image on my mind of him.

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  • If you feel raped, then your feelings are valid, period. You don't have to feel guilty or like you deserved it or should stop yourself from seeking help just because you're not sure if it was real rape or not. What you feel is rape. Now keep this in mind when I say the next words... I'm not sure if it was 'real' rape. Maybe I didn't understand everything right, but having sex with a drunk girl is per se not rape. Not saying no also doesn't mean it isn't, though. But I've so often witnessed friends being extremely drunk but being seemingly only tipsy, later wondering how nobody noticed how drunk they were. I've also, while being drunk, mistaken my friends for being sober, but then being told that they weren't (driving a car doesn't mean you haven't been drinking). I also have done things or rather let things being done to me while drunk, and later regretted it, but know that it wasn't the guys fault because I seemed to be willing and deep down wanted it at the moment. Again, I don't want to judge for your particular case and no matter what it was, if you feel a certain way then you deserve any help you need and your feelings are valid. But a drunk guy being kinky with a drunk girl or a guy being kinky with a tipsy girl when she doesn't express in any noticeable way that she doesn't want it isn't rape. Only you can now answer whether he could've really known that you didn't want it. If yes, then yes. Either way, it was obviously a horrible experience for you and I hope you can come to terms with it one day.

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