I have to get this off my chest, I feel so guilty and disgusting. I used to have a crush on my coworker, but got over it when my friend started dating him, and then even more so when their relationship went south and he showed his true colors. He's kind of not a good person under the surface. Today we had a going away party for him at work. He was giving out goodbye hugs, and when he offered me one, I accepted to be polite, because I'm still being cordial with him. And the second he had his arms around me, I just melted. A year ago, I would have died to feel his arms around me, but today, I'm in a happy relationship with a nearly perfect boyfriend and I recognize that I dodged a bullet with my former crush. But that hug felt so nice. He caressed my hair and held me for what felt like a very long time, and I felt so at home. And I hate that. Why did I feel that? Why did I react like that? I know I used to be in love with him, but I barely even like him as a human now, much less as a potential mate. But physically I'm still drawn in by him, his scent still makes my heart race, his voice still gives me shivers, his eyes still make me weak. Why? I'm so mad and disgusted with myself, not to mention I'm kind of freaked out that he touched me that way because caressing someone's hair is not something that happens in a casual, friendly hug. I feel guilty for liking it when I have a boyfriend. I feel guilty for, deep down, a tiny part of me still craving that touch again, just wanting him close to me, despite how I feel about him.