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my friend who i was gonna go with to the tournament just was state champion, he says this year there was less ppl and no one trained as much as we did, he said i would have won medal too if i had went and im really frickin depressed bad, im a bum i never competed in anything, i have nothing to show for all the stuff i do and learn, when u have some metal ppl acknowledge u as athlete and ur not bum anymore, he's competing with blue belts btw i would compete with white belts, i roll with him and we go back and forth i want a prize so badly... i feel like why doesnt it work out always? this is 2 years on a row that something so i cant compete in time, and now for the next one i have to fly on plane which is like what if it falls ... but im so tired of being a bum, and having nothing, i have to go there and if i die its ok i guess at least i was trying i cant stand not trying anymore, i just want to be someone cool who does things and goes places, just like someone that i admire a lot

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