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I've made mistakes in my brief life. Things that I wish I could take back. Things that nearly compelled me to take my own life many times. I've done nothing but run from them. the memories, the pain I caused and the pain it causes me. I've run to the point where I went to a place where nobody knew my name, who I was or what I've done. Thinking that I could start new. I've been a dedicated medical worker for years. its all I have left of myself. It seems I can't even be a servant of the people because of my stupidity. Without nursing; I have nothing. I am nothing. its my soul, my existence. now I feel hopeless.

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  • I went with sex, drugs and rock n roll in my early life and I never grew up. once I got myself sober, I realized what a jerk, schmuck and an ass I was and still am. it's hard to get rid of. I realize now that I still have a child's mentality and I never grew up. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who would want to hang around with someone like me. I'm on meds for my behavior. I lost everything I had, people, place and thing. but somehow I don't miss any of that, as if it was never meant for me from the beginning. Today I'm a home body and I enjoy my peace and quiet as if that's all there is in life. I believe it's been granted to me to forsake everything in this world. I took my SS disability. I know trouble is out there waiting for me, so I pretend I like no one when I do have to go out. I'd rather not speak a word anymore and mind my own business because I know how easily I fall. the world would be a better place if men could sit in a room alone in silence. I'm far from adult behavior and it'll be a long time, but I'm OK with this.

  • You're not alone ((though you, I and I suspect many others will never meet)) and I completely empathize with you. I have made many unforgivable, spirit and mind consuming mistakes when I was younger, I could only regret once I realized the damage they had caused and that cost me everything I had that were significant to me...family, friendships, living areas...once they had came to light in the most recent years. I too battled with the shame more of my own. Forcefully not to look at my eyes in a mirror and fantasizing my suicide before I went to sleep every night...this lasted for years as I would go into more and more detail including the funeral or if I would have had one, individual private and a single generic suicide note including will&test, clothing choice to die and then to be buried in, the possible plan to just disappear off a cliff into the ocean and more...this lasted for years. Putting my past behind me with forcing myself to forget, moving out of town, things got better for me for awhile but ALWAYS... SOMETHING by random circumstance and relevance would bring about that deep guilt and regret. The kind that makes you believe Dante's visions of the afterlife where the guilty in one of the 7 dimensions of the underworld, could be fact, a true place. And along came those satisfying goodnight fantasies. Having children of my own and working hard at my job and on building them up with experience and our relationships I always fear is just another bandaid but it certainly helps me think did I really ever have that? Was there something missing or untrue in my childhood that helped fuel those evil actions that have made me physically and emotionally ill. There was for a long time, about age 32 to 38, where not a Christmas or my birthday ((which are 3 weeks apart)) would go buy that I would be violently ill, listening to neighbours, kids & my partner celebrating while I remained secluded in our bedrm. Slowly I realized some of the questions I had asked my older siblings in the past which later on I realized they cringed at and had brushed off were, probably, a key factor in sins I played with and demon like attachments I manifested which...in part...not completely as I am a stickler for claiming accountability, but certainly played a part in things I had done. Seek internal and personal spiritual help, focus and critical reasoning as even professional, certified people are still just people and will diagnose with judgement. You can change the chemical failure in your brain that affects your mind by yourself but it will take time, the upside is that your chemistry and bio...your hardwired synapses...will know you alone are mending, reorganizing in the subconscious and will be permanent...taking meds will only drastically force chemical change which will rely on those meds once their effects begin to die off or your bio becomes immune requiring something else or stronger. I dunno man...just try...you're.not really alone. Maybe we'll connect in another life and can help each other then...until then... Kia Kaha o Eho ((Stay Strong my Friend))

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