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I'm now 40 but feel like I'm 20, overweight when I used to be ridiculously fit. Putting aside the physical, emotional and sexual shit I had to deal with over years growing up... which no one knows about like it's some sick fikkin joke of an overlord. My best friend died last week losing his weirdly harmonious battle with cancer, lost my mum-in-law (wifes mum) October last year who was more like a mum than my own, then her brother (everyones uncle) whos kind, unbiased approach of me opened up their family's hearts, minds and acceptance as my wife and I met 14 years and 5 kids ago when she was 15, single, 8mths pregnant and I was 25. My wife, who I owe so much to and dearly love, I allowed to disappear on the kids and I for days at a time over 7-8 years fueled by her meth addiction. I think its because of the guilt I still have for being physically abusive to her since I first caught her cheating nearly 9-10 years back. A truly vicious cycle. We've been living toxicity free of those old shackles for about 2 years now. And now...it began once every 2 to 3 months, then every month, now I've noticed it's almost everytime I'll bleed, 4 out of 5 times I've gauged, when going number 2 but I'm too afraid of going to the Doc's to hear the worst. Sometimes it's real bad, sorry to be so explicit but I've checked after wiping and there's been enormous clots and I always know when it's about to happen, feeling fatigued, bloated. I'm afraid of how my kids and partner will be when I'm gone when there's no one to motivate her or encourage and sing songs to them anymore. Since our eldest was born I've sung every nursery rhyme they've ever heard till each were about 4/5. I cook dinner, made breakfasts and lunches every day and night. I wash, hangout and (mostly) fold the clothes. I've worked sometimes 12-16 hour days and still come home to find I need to cook, make beds, brush teeth and settle our kids in for the night. As our eldest 3 are capable I get them to help some, or miraculously they'll offer now and again which I don't know if they understand is a massive weight off my shoulders, though I do let them know but I tend to ramble a bit. And in our culture when you pass you're buried at a family cemetery that's in or very close to the land your ancestors, pre-colonial, established as theirs to care, nurture, protect and share experiences of life and death on forever. Like my poor Dad, seemingly estranged from many, was cremated, outside of his rightful homeland I reckon I too will be burned with that gratifying smug atmosphere even my brother and sisters shared with them. Left nameless, no place to rest and feed the Earth, gratefully, with my body.

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