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Everyone is constantly complimenting my ability to tolerate others in quantites that they could not 'he's so annoying' 'she's such a bi*ch' 'he's so degrading' 'how on earth do you put up with them'. They admire my patience, my calmness in all situations and my positive attitude that is often masqueraded by a negative facade. The truth is, i'm an incredibly laid back 16 year old male. Yet, there is always a cause. As a child, I was severely beraded, made to feel essentially worthless to some degree, it was more mental than physical from what I remember (i've successfully blocked out a lot of it) by both of my brothers, one of them 5 years my senior, the other, 3 years younger than myself. Its affected me as a person, not just my kind personality, formed from the horrid childhood I had, I have anxiety, it was quite severe until counselling, to the point where I thought it was aspergers syndrome. My mam, would call me gay, and act as if it was meaningless, 'oh it was a joke, you have to toughen up', she'd say to tear soaked me in a stern voice, with a tone of malice and a tut, as if it was my own fault that I had overhead her snipes or often her direct comments. Its rather ironic if i'm honest, as she now has an opinion on my heartless shell, its peculiar being kind and heartless at the same time, but I feel this was definitely the cause of it. Now, i'm not saying she was an awful mother. Actually, what am I saying, yes, yes she was. I can remember my older brother once pinning my brother down to the floor, to the point where my younger brother was writhing in pain, bawling, whilst my mother sat there as if it was fun and games, completely oblivious, upon which I couldn't bear it no longer, imagine the scene, a 9 year old (approximately) child screaming at his own mother, saying 'can you not see he's in pain, how awful are you?!' Yes, that didn't go down well as you can imagine. However, she sharply responded, 'I was just about to say something, don't tell me how to parent'. Now linking back to the gay thing, I wasn't the most masculine child, admittedly, I cooked rather enthusiastically, and I apparently 'ran gay' (I am however hetero, may I add), so as a child, this was upsetting, since my older brother made sure that I saw homosexuality as a taboo thing, 'bork, wouldn't dare be a fag' ' B-B-But i'm not' 'Hah, yes you are, gayboy'. So there it is, around 4 years of my life, with large parts of it removed (namely the worst parts), I apologise for the length, I know not many will read this. This is the reason I can withstand so much pain and appear emotionless, I was built with pain, not nurture and care. Oh yeah, did I mention that one time I got locked in an airing cupboard for around 3 hours, (I had an irrational fear of the darkness and was experiencing episodes of ghost hallucinations/thoughts, rather terrifying thoughts, all of this they were aware of, and my physical terror and shouting and pleading to be let out, seemed ever the more amusing, especially since it was also unbearably hot, being the boiler room also.

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  • TL;DR

  • You. I like you. I also enjoy the person I have become, it has empowered me. Its good to find someone who can relate.

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