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i'm in a relationship for a long time and i can't take it anymore but i love him and i don't know what to do.i'm with him since i was 16 and i loved him more than i loved my family.at first i was attached to him because i lost my grandfather and my parents couldn't support my pain.i loved my bf after 3 months but then my parents separated us for other 3 months.we made up and he told me everytime how much he loved me.at that moment he was an emo kid and he was trying to kill himself but i was there for him and he passed through that with my help.but when he realized that he is a smart guy and that i love him for who he is he started to do things to hurt me.he almost cheated on me with all my friends.i said almost because i reacted badly when i discovered what he was doing and he kind of stopped .i wasn't aloud and i'm still not aloud even to look at another boy but him.for about 2 years ago when we got separated i lied to him that i french kissed his bestfriend to show him how is like to hurt .when i tried to tell him that i didn't do what he said that what i said is well said and that he doesn't love me anymore because of what i was doing to him in all the 4 years that we have togheter.in these years i only loved him.i was there at any moment for him,my dad even sell his wedding ring because i couldn't afford to pay him a debt.he said that if i can't pay for it it will break up with me.he is a jerk and i don't know what i did wrong.at one moment he broked up with me and i suffered a bad depression,i wasn't eating anything or sleeping.all i did was staying in my bed and crying and my parents suffered to when they saw me like that.but in this time his grandfather died and i was there for him.i supported him with all my heart even if I wasn;t able to stay on my feet because i can't stand to see him suffering.i loved and love him very much and i think i'm going to have a depression again.now he said that he loved me for about 1 year or something but he will probably love me again someday.he says that in that moment we should't even talk because distance is a good way to love me again but then he wants me back.we are separated now but in a 'friends with benefits' relationship.in bed he wants me to say that i love him because he knows that i love him.but when i say that is hurting me like hell because i don;t get a 'me too ' and I know that he told me that he doesn’t love me.he knows that when I say to him that I love him is hurting me but he keeps doing that.i know I should probably enjoy my moments in bed but when I say that I love him I just start crying and even if he sees that he is ignoring me.i don;t know what to do.i love him very much and i will do anything for him in every moment.i hate my life,i hate that i lost my relation with my parents,i miss them even when i'm with them because when I was with him I ignored my parents.i miss them very much and I know I’m an idiot and stupid kid but I think that God is mad of me or something because I don’t get any happy moment at this planet.i hate the new me.i want the indifferent me again.i want to die but i can't do that because i know that i will hurt my parents and all the ones who cared for me.i can't sleep anymore and i take depression pills without anyone knowing that,but they aren't helping.sometimes i only want to forget that i know him and to have my past life again .if you could give an advice i would be very thankful because i don't know what i should do with my life.my parents said that i'm going crazy and i should see a doctor but i know i'm not sick and even if i see a doctor he can't make me to forget about him.i hate what he is doing with my life and i'm crying when i'm writing this 'cause i can't stand all this pain anymore,I’m crying almost everyday and even if I try to get separated from him I can’t because i am so stupid that I still love him after all he is doing to me..

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