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Two months ago I met someone that became the most important person in my life. We are so much alike that it actually scares me. He is my boyfriend now and I really love him, but he has a dark past and keeps terrible secrets that, when he shared them with me, were hard to admit and understand. I really love him but I don't know what to do anymore, he blames himself for so many things that are not even his fault and for the ones that were it's impossible to do something about it. How can you convince a person that did such horrible things that he is not a monster?

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  • Wow, that is an EXACT description of my best friend. Since I've known him for two years now, here's the answer: No. You can't do anything about it. My friend has this thing that he does everything he can not to make anyone think that he is gay. He doesn't hate gays, but it upsets him more than anything to be called gay, because he was mocked for his androgynous looks throughout his entire life. His looks are something that he didn't choose, it's just the way he was born, but he still hates himself for it to a degree which is almost scary. The thing is that men are often thought that they are sissy and weak if they choose to share their feelings with others, so they often hide them so long and so deep down that it would take years of therapy to solve these issues. Of course the natural reaction to such a thing is that you want to help this person, but I can tell you, it's impossible to do it as long as you have a sexual and/or emotional relationship at the same time. In a relationship you always carry a bit of your partners burdens, but since almost everyone has unresolved issues themselves (even if they are not that heavy) it is absolutely impossible to carry their whole burden too, it just gets way too heavy. I had to accept that I can make my friend feel good for the moment, but not get into the stuff that troubles his mind deep down, because it's something that totally fcks you up too, and it's better left to people like psychiatrists, who won't be affected emotionally if something really disturbing comes up. If you want to help him, show him that you don't care for his past, that you like him how he is now and that anything that happened to him was just a step on the way to meeting you. Don't bother too much with the fact that he might even have some sort of psychosis, if you really want to help him it's best to get him to to therapy, but don't try to do it yourself, because it can never work as long as you are emotionally involved. What you can do is show him that he is loved, and for someone who doesn't love himself that might not be easy to understand, but he'll still be happy about it, and that is what's really important.

  • what did he do? maybe its not as horrible as you think (perspective wise)...

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