It's been 5 years since I physically recovered from anorexia, but I never actually recovered mentally. I'm still terrified of gaining weight, I avoid looking from the neck down in mirrors or photos and whenever I feel full, I feel awash with shame and have to bite back the urge to throw up in the bathroom, especially around my food-loving boyfriend who is a cook. I love him to death and I know how much food means to him, but he keeps trying to guilt-trip me into eating more than I want and he's been the biggest trigger for the anorexic thoughts. I still feel mortified whenever somebody says I gained weight and it immediately makes me want to stop eating again. I'm just terrified of becoming fat despite people telling me that I'd never get fat with all the sports I do. I've actually started gaining a lot of weight because I drink it all, my alcohol consumption has been spiraling out of control for the past 2 months. Do you guys see how much I end up contradicting myself? I love alcohol, but I'm terrified of gaining weight. I want to diet, but I keep drinking. Why am I so fuc*ed up?