So here's the deal. I grew up gay. As far back as I can remember, I was attracted to other boys and men. Before I knew how to masturbate, per se, I would fantasize about being naked with boys my own age and grown men in my neighborhood. In my grade school years, there were the inevitable naked adventures with boys, exploring one another's bodies. In puberty, mutual masturbation. I took it more seriously than my partners. At 14 I convinced a boy to let me perform oral on him. I never really saw him again. I think it freaked him out. I felt guilty and ashamed, but loved every minute of it. When I grew older and found out more about sex, I also got a constant barrage of messages that "gay is not okay" and started hating myself for my same sex attractions. I had a religious experience or two, and tried to "pray the gay away" but it always came back. But, I did eventually also develop a sexual interest in some women. It ended up where I got married at a young age and sex in our relationship was pretty good. Above average I'd say. It still never satisfied my urges to be with a man. That's pretty much where I am now. Women are great. Being the one on top with your cock inside is fun. I like the role. But I still fantasize about sucking cock and would love to take one up the ass, something I've never done. I range from feeling really guilty about this to accepting myself on any given day. These days, you can do pretty much whatever you want on-line. I use a lot of random chat sites for gay men. I love to masturbate on cam with other guys and see their cocks and bodies. I even like it when they talk dirty to me. A lot of the guys on line are much younger than I am and I am ashamed to admit this, even kids as young as 14-15. I wish I wasn't attracted to them, but I am. A part of me thinks I am not really a pervert because I only imagine being with willing partners, never forcing myself on anyone. Today I met a guy on-line who is the same age, lives reasonably close, and it's amazing how much we have in common. He grew up the same way and does the same things on-line, or so he says. I feel a strange connection to him. It's so weird. I would not want to cheat on my wife, but the idea of finally being with a man and living out my fantasies is pretty tempting. I travel a lot for work and could make it happen. I would love to hear from someone else who has actually done this and either lived to regret it or doesn't regret it at all. What do you think?