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Over the past several months I feel like a darkness has overtaken me. For the first time in my life, I have nightmares. I often see things out of the corners of my eyes. I wake up in the night feeling alert and find nothing. I've begun sleeping with a light on out of fear(again, a first time thing for me). I have become significantly more irritable, spiteful, and verbally/emotionally abusive towards my friends. I have begun cutting people out of my life entirely for the slightest provocation. I used to find joy in loving others and helping them- I was so empathetic and often was looked to for counsel in dark times. Now I feel disgust toward those same people. I hate them their weakness just as much as I hate myself for my wickedness. I am plagued day and night by remorse and fear and I have turned to alcohol, cigarettes, and verbally abusing my friends to find reprieve. Life holds little pleasure anymore. I feel as though I ought to die now if I am going to continue down this road. A life of suffering that exists only to spread suffering is hardly a life worth living. This darkness is too much for a person to bear. I would tell someone if I had someone to tell. But I have no one. I feel like a deranged Pagliacci reference would almost be appropriate here. But in any case, that is the overview of my mind right now. Maybe someday soon I will find someone to tell the whole story to. Until then, cheers

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  • Most of what you describe are typical signs of Acute Depression. I'm obviously not a licensed psychiatrist, but it would explain a lot of your symptoms. Talk to a doctor. get help. You don't have to do it alone.

  • You need help. Talk to someone. A friend or a professional. You should not be facing this alone.

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