Before my best friend died in the summer of 2012, I wished he would die a week before, in a fit of rage. I feel like my wish was the cause of his death and that guilt just eats me up everyday.
Not quite the same, but in summer 2011 I really felt miserable and thought about committing suicide, though not seriously. I just wanted to know how people in my life would react to that. I especially thought about scenarios in school where my fellow students would learn about me thinking that way while I'm still alive and how they react. One day into school after the holidays a friend of mine in our form committed suicide. Now I could see how the others reacted to that and I still feel miserable because I can't shake the feeling that somehow me thinking about suicide was a foreshadowing and the fact that, for some reasons, I didn't get the chance to talk to him or even look him in the eye on our first day at school makes me feel like I might have had the chance to prevent it and I missed it. What I'm trying to say is that I can understand the way you're feeling, but there are things in life that happen and we're not able to prevent it and surely shouldn't feel guilty for something that isn't our fault. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to think that way. Maybe you can "forgive" yourself (although there is nothing to forgive) by keeping in mind that you should, if possible, always part in peace with the one you love. I hope that one day you can overcome your guilt and be glad and thankful for having known him.
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