I wonder if anyone will even read this entirely... I guess I have to get this out somehow. My name is Hannah and I just want to share what I went through. My story begins early on, when I was around eight. We moved to the tiny village 2 years earlier and I wanted to earn some extra money. My neighbours had strawberry field where I picked strawberries during the season for some money. They had 3 kids, 2 sons and a daughter. One day I went to work, I noticed the front door was opened, so I just entered, expecting my neighbours wife to be in the kitchen. Instead, I found the eldest son hanging from the ceiling. He hung himself, carving with a razor blade "I'm sorry" on his wrist. Of course, I immediately ran to the barn to alert my neighbour. Thinking about it now, I saw no emotion on his face while he saw the body. No pain, no sadness, nothing. Just pure apathy. Let's fast forward to year 9. Just so you know, when we moved, our house was a ruin. It took couple months to get it to the proper state. Our neighbours were really helpful and joined us with the renovation. Among them was this one man, approximately in his mid 30s. I never knew who he was, for me he was just "Our neighbour". Well, coming back to the story, he made some... unwanted advances. He snuck into my bedroom almost every night and... well, saying this clearly, raped me. I never told my parents. I never loved them, they never loved me. This was going on for... 7 months, I think. It ended when he got locked up for drug dealing. Everybody saw him as a friendly and helpful man, so this was a huge shock. For me, only relief. After a year, we were forced to move back to the city. At this point I had no friends, only my twin brother. I was a real outcast in middle school - always sitting in the corner with a book and headphones on, never really engaging with people who would just leave me anyway. Here some things not worth mentioning happened, I got stabbed with a knife, which I never told anyone about and healed the wound myself (the man was too drunk to stab properly, so it was just a flesh wound), my boyfriend which I never truly loved cheated on me with another man, nothing really interesting. After that came the high school. I still remember the first day. Not knowing where to go or what to do, sitting in front of school and looking down the floor. Suddenly in my field of view appeared a pair of slim legs, followed up by round hips, great figure, nice pair of breasts covered with light brown hair, heart-melting smile, small, cute nose and hypnotising brown eyes, the kind which can enslave a man in a moment. Yes, that's right. I fell in love with my soon to be classmate, as it turned out. She recognised me from the photo and chatted me up. We quickly befriended and became inseparable. After a year, during my vacation, I texted her, telling her how I truly feel and hoping she wouldn't reject me. Fortunately, she didn't. She told me she knew this for a while and that we can stay friends as long as I want to. Next year, after some expo, my class was coming back to school. Me and Emily, the girl I fell in love with, were far behind, talking. We were so consumed with it that we didn't notice a man in front of us, and eventually, I crashed into him and fell on the ground. She was laughing, and the man apologized and gave me his hand to help me get up. He didn't recognise me. After 8 years, he didn't recognize a little child he knew back then. But not me. I knew this man too well. It was the same man who made my life a living nightmare for months. I grabbed his hand, only to drag it onto me to hit him in the face with the other. I'm pretty sure I broke his nose then. I got up, looked at him and answered his "What the fuck?" with "Have you forgotten so easily? 8 years ago, before your ass got locked up" Only then he noticed the similarity with a child he met. "Hannah?" he went, after which I kicked him in the face, yelled "Exactly, motherfucker!", stepped on his balls while he was lying and left. Me and Emily didn't return to school. We bought a bottle of vodka, went to my place and I told her everything. After which she hugged me and didn't let go until I stopped crying and stayed with me for the night. Currently I'm a week after my girlfriend cheated on me with my male friend, my roommate is pregnant with some random guy from a party, my best friend commited suicide and sent me a letter through mail apologizing for everything and I'm drinking Jack Daniels alone in my room. I can't even cry anymore. I want so badly, yet I simply can't. I'm too tired for this. I don't know what to do.