This is about bipolar and self destruction, sex and obsession. I am a 31years old Asian woman. I have been married to an attractive Italian guy for eleven years and have two young children. I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 19 but never been treated. (I am 31 now). Last year when I was 8months pregnant, I went into a severe state of mania without knowing it. I manipulated my husband into telling me his past affair because it turned me on. I was sad and jealous but I was horny. When someone is severely manic, extreme emotion is like a drug. I even convinced my husband to fuck other girls and film it for me to watch. I was addicted to the feelings of betrayal and jealous. He had no idea I was losing my mind. He just thought I just have a secret fetish. He played along. After the baby was here, he got caught up with the new born baby and daily rountine again and stop feeding off my extreme sexually and emotional needs, due to my mania. I started to seek it else where. I downloaded a chat app and enjoy all the sexual attention I had never had. I sex chat with multiple men and sent them naked pictures of mine. Then I met this guy, he was also married, unhappily. We seems to click right away and I invited a stranger over to my house, to have sex. First time I ever cheated. I was satisfied. In fact, I had never felt so satisfied before. He was strong, big dick and durable. and when he told me he was in prison, it turned me on. (My husband is a cop) After a couple of time of encounter, my husband found out about my affair. He wanted to kill me. At that moment, I completely lost touch with reality. Then my husband realized there was something mental wrong with me. He forgave me and set me up with psychiatrist and therapist. The following two month my husband was trying hard to "nourish" me back to the loving mother and wife I once was. But he didn't realize that at the moment he was threathening to kill me I ceased being his wife. I lost it and I grabbed hold onto the stranger I fucked twice. It was like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. He made Wilson out a valleyball. I made a stranger out of more than he really was. I fell in love with him. And during these two months, I couldnt stop cheating on my husband with this guy. I was madly in love. I was going to leave my family for him. Then once again, I was busted and my husband told me I had two weeks to move out. I packed my bag right away and stayed at my niece's. The next day I tried killing myself. Cops found me and I was admitted to the psych ward. after I got out, my husband took me back. I was still crazy for that guy. since then I had been in a push pull relationship with him. We stopped seeing each other. It had limited to only online contact, for six months. It was very emotional for me. I needed him so bad that I was planning for divorce. As time goes by, I was on meds and slowly regain my sanity, I knew very clearly that I was not leaving my beautiful family for this guy. It was like if Tom Hanks could take Wilson back, he had to eventually let of Wilson and accept the fact that he is just a valleyball. I made him a few paintings. I wanted to keep the bubble beautiful as I wanted it to be. I said goodbye to him. but I kept going back. I couldnt let go of him. I thought the only one way I would not go back anymore was to pop that bubble. let it turn ugly. I told him he is a whitetrash scumbag. I don't belong to his world. because I know this is his very insecurity. He can't give me anything. I am a spoiled wife. It hurts to hurt his feelings. But I cant have everything in life. I made a choice. but why cant i let him go? do I really love him?