I love my mom, I really do, but she is really shitty with being a mom and just can't show emotions, and I've never felt really loved by her. She saved me from my abusive father, so I feel guilty not apreciating her enough, but she horrible to me, not even thinking about what I could feel and doesn't see how she is hurting me, but I just can't say anything to her. She thinks that I'm fine (I was in therapy because of this whole father-thing for some years) but in reality I'm totally fucked up and 90% of the time I think about killing myself, but I don't do it for my sister, 'cause I think she needs a person in her life she knows she can come to, cause my mom just isn't that kind of person. But with every person that comes into my life, where I know that he/she likes or needs me I feel more and more forced into staying alive which just makes my suicidalthoughts worse. And now that I'm falling for some guy the only thing I can think about is how fucked up I am, how dependet I'm on my mother, while I can't really live with her, and how much of a burden I would be for him. To sum it up, I'm a totally fucked up mess, but I walk through the day with a smile and pretend I'm fine to everyone and nobody seems to notice one thing, and nobody wonders why I don't wear short pants, or go swimming with them, or show my cut body to anyone. Sorry for this long post. I just had to get it out.