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The first and only man I ever slept with was a friend with benefits and he was really nice. I lied to him about a mutual friend cheating on her husband, because I didn't know what to do, or who to belivie. he cut off contact with me because of that. I am on three different depression and anxiety medications and I can become very unstable. well I hadn't taken them for months when I thought I was pregnant and had a miscarriage so I called him sobbing and hiccuping he was comforting at first and then came to the realization that I had been on my period twice when we where together. I was lying. I didn't realize but I was lying I just had a heavy period. but that's not what I thought about a day after he told me this I started cutting. I've been doing it constantly for about a month now. I have done it since I was 13 and I'm 20 there's been little relapses but nothing big. I just won't stop anymore. it's the only way I can apologize without upsetting him more. I feel like a whore like a lying manipulative bitch and it makes me feel better to cut. I know no one is worth me hurting myself. but it's a quiet apology. I tried to stop for a week I got a lot better but it kept me up every night how disgusting I am and I just cracked and tore up my thighs with a pair of scissors and a knife. I can't forget what I've done. if I forget it means I don't care. that I think I was right. and I dont deserve that.

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