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I've always felt like I have to be perfect. From the time I was a little girl wearing bows, even though I wanted to play in the mud with my bro. I kept my dress on with my tight Shirley Temple curls and sat there like a good little girl... To the time I was older, wearing bows, and putting on shows, cheering for my school, being a leader I would uphold. "you cannot mess up", GOD FORBID YOU MAKE A MISTAKE.... the rest of the world might know you're an actual human, and not fake. Oh how terrible it was made for me to be me, instead it was be what was "socially acceptable" these days. I did what I was told, I wore my bows, I cheered on my school, and even my foes. Yet where did it get me? Being so nice? Take a guess maybe? It's a dark light. Sitting alone in the the band hall, eating lunch on the floor, feeling SO EMPTY.. as the doors flew open, and they slowly closed, taunting me with the sound of non greased hinges, people would walk past me and pay absolutely no attention. I was cut, I felt broke..I did what I believed was right, it's what I've been taught my ENTIRE life, and although I know this mindset is my enemy, deep inside me I fight, for my whole entire life I've been told to look good, wear nice clothe, make sure your make ups done! You don't want to look like a trashy hoe!! curl your hair! Whiten your teeth!! Gosh what have you been doing they would say, do you not even care how you look? I'd buy crest white strips and torture my teeth, each application made my teeth feel like the nerves were being destroyed, but they said do it, or you're just "as gross as a boy!". So I did what was asked of me, trying to keep my head above the water, I was suffocating but that didn't seem to matter. Be PERFECT! BE BEAUTIFUL! BE FLAWLESS! I was told. Don't mess up once! That's burned in my skull, from the time I was little, to the current social pressures.. Pleasing people just came natural. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard, to leave behind all of the things I've been taught my whole life. I want to love me, and never give a care what anyone thinks. But when you grow up like that.. Every disapproving stare pierces your soul. What do I do? How do I take control? I'm trying so HARD. But never reach my goal!! I tear my self down, because that's what I know, they did it to me... I must of deserved to not be treated like a real soul. I put on my smile, and do what I can, I walk up to strangers and greet them with love, maybe if I can't fix myself, I can help someone else from feeling so low. But why? Why do I have to feel this way? Why isn't it okay that I have circles under my eyes, DON'T YOU KNOW IM ONLY HUMAN, I have pimples on my face because of the stress of constantly doing. I struggle daily, to feel people's love, I just wanted affection, and a some warm hugs. That's all I've ever wanted, my entire life, an "it's okay, it's going to be alright! Who cares you have pimples and circles under your eyes, who cares your teeth aren't perfect, you're a beautiful light!" But it never happened, I was never encouraged. Now I fight with my demons who tell me I'm worthless. I wake up feeling irrelevant, and walk through the world feeling absolutely invisible. The only person who sees me, with no judgement in his eyes, I love dearly and always tells me I'm a beauty, and makes me feel like a prize, he brings me up, and unconditional love he gives me. So why do I still feel the need to constantly please? To be perfect for everyone to see? I'm trying, and I'm sinking...It's so hard to see. How do you escape a lifetime of these taught perceptions?

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  • accept the spite. embrace the anger. let them harden your spine to steel. no one should ever be taught they are less important than anyone else. you deserved so much growing up. take back what you deserve by force and don't let anyone tell you you can't

  • this is touching. you will need a lot of time to get out of this way, a lot, but if you keep fighting, you'll be able to escape. start with baby steps, fall out of your usual pattern and try to breathe. you deserve to be free. i wish you all the best! ♡

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