For the most part, I don't like people. I like being alone, but I get lonely, at times unbearably so. From time to time, I meet someone that fills the void, but I have this inexplicable tendency to just vanish on them. Nothing bad would happen, everything would be going good, then suddenly I would just stop talking to them. And I lie, I lie about things that I have no need to lie about, things that happened to a 'friend', my sexual history (tbh - 2 girl, 3 boys - yes boys, I did this at age 6 to 10 - and 2 dogs - wtf ikr), what I did over the weekend, things I do for fun, pretty much anything and everything. I have no idea why. The only reason I am posting this here is because I feel that I don't have anyone to talk to these things about and I had the need to tell someone. I don't think I have any actual friends as I am always the one to initiate contact, if I stay quiet, I don't hear anything from anyone for months on end. I have tried committing suicide before and I still contemplate it from time to time, but I probably won't do it. I have accepted my loneliness and I'm embracing it, not going out, not talking to anyone unless necessary and not making an effort to make a connection to someone. I choose to follow this dark road, where it leads me I don't know, but I do know that wherever I go, I'll be alone when I get there.