I hate my mother very much for brainwashing us from a very young age. In my very uneducated mind I see her as a paranoid schizophrenic with a heavy dose of narcissism. she's lazy, she stinks, she uses her kids as servants, she didn't let me go to school till I was 12 and then took me out of it for good before I hit 13 because I had a very hard time learning. she once left me with one of her boyfriends at nine who then made me suck him off while he played with my ass, but I was used to someone playing with my ass by then because she used make me and my sisters and brother sleep in the same bed so my oldest sister would do that and play with my dick till I purposely started peeing the bed to keep her away from me. she used to make my oldest sister play mom so she could go out and gamble and go to bars. she used to make me shine her heels before she went out at night. I was the only one of my siblings that spoke up to her so she would call me things like devil, Judas, black dog and no good nigga all my life. I used to have rage issues when I was a kid, so to handle that she and my siblings would lock me in a closet for however long until I calmed down or just fell asleep. we were never allowed to go outside and play with other kids because 1 she always thought we would get her and 2 she didn't want people to know that we weren't going to school. by the time I turned 13 I said fuck it and started sneaking out to play but would get shamed to no end for doing it but by that time I was used to it so it didn't hurt has much. except for one book that my oldest sister taught me how to recognize some of the words PBS and comic books that my grandmother used to give me money for taught me how to actually read. I felt like an outsider everywhere I went and still feel the same more than 30 years later. because of pure stupidity I moved back to her home but I feel so embarrassed for coming back that I don't leave the house and try not to leave the room that I sleep in. she still checks all the mail that comes here and, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to cause any more trouble for anyone or anything. I want to help but I just don't trust most people. she's tried to love me but in my mind she sees me as the source of most of her problems just like I see her for the reason why I don't trust most women that I meet. I'm sexually attracted to women but it's hard for me to trust women especially black women in the United States because I see most of them the same way as I see my mother now. if I could I would just be gay, say fuck it and try to lead a somewhat normal life but I'm not really into guys, I've been trying to but I'm just not interested in a man's body and I don't see dudes like that no matter how much porn I try to brainwash myself into dudes by watching. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but I'm a basketcase no matter where I go...what should I do?