My mum use to be very different when I was growing up. She was a real bi*ch, she never liked kids, she always blamed me and my siblings for ruining her life and we would be beaten up on a daily basis until I grew up enough to stand for myself. Eventually the beating stopped, but not the psychological torture. She started to go to the church again, and soon her guilt transformed her into a fanatic. I was so unhappy, I was harming myself, I started to take drugs, and with the help of a boyfriend, I left home before my 18th birthday and moved abroad with pocket money I had. We speak once a month or so, but we haven't seen each other in 10 years. And this always haunted me, so last year I decided to bring her over and try reconnect with her. It was an horrible idea, the whole time we were so awkward, clearly neither of us have attachment for one another. She tried to force a connection, pretend that was nothing wrong between us, that she was always an sweet old lady, but in reality her guilt is consuming her. I don't want to take revenge but I cannot attach to her, she means nothing to me, I have no memories of her. And she still pushes for a relationship, as a catholic person, her guilt must be a promise of an afterlife of hell. But everytime I call her and I know I am only doing it for her sake, I get even more depressed and I wish I wouldn't call her again. I don't want to have to speak to my mum ever again, as I believ nothing can change the past, and she is not doing it to fix the bad things that happen to us, she is only doing it because she fears God now.