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I need to vent about this, so sorry that it's long. I realized yesterday why I hate myself so much and I just can't stop thinking about it. My boyfriend and I were having a discussion about fandoms, and what it means to be a fan of something. I was getting kind of emotional, and I stopped to ask myself, why? Why do I care so much? Why does it hurt my feelings that he doesn't like my favorite show as much as I thought he did? It's because I'm so passionate about these fandoms, and they mean so much to me. Nobody else in my life cares about them like I do, and I finally thought I found someone who did, but I was wrong. So I'm still alone. And then I thought, why do I care so much? Why do I look at/make fanart? Why do I read/write fanfiction? Why are these fandoms and people/characters so important to me? And that's when I realized... I don't have a life. And I don't mean that like "I'm always online, I don't have a life lol" I mean it in the sense that I am painfully... normal. So normal that I'm not normal. I'm boring. My parents, my friends, even my sister, they all have these stories to tell. Like "When I was 14 I had to drive my friend home with zero car experience because he took his grandparents' car for a joyride and got stuck under a tree" or "When I was in Scouts, I had to hike 50 miles because our leader got us lost in Canada" or "When I was in the army, I pointed my tank at a restaurant in the South so they would let the black man on my team eat with us". I don't have any stories like that. Don't get me wrong, I've been places. I've done fun things. But I don't have any stories worth sharing. Even when I was a kid, I had to bullshit every personal narrative I ever wrote in school (even though they were all based off true events) because I couldn't think of one thing in my life that was worthy of writing two pages about. I'm so grateful that I have a family who loves me and friends who care and a boyfriend who wants to have a future with me, but... I feel so... empty. Unimportant. Bland. I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've wasted all those years being a "good kid" and always following the rules and doing what I'm told. And I don't wish I had done drugs or drank alcohol or done illegal things or any of that. But I wish I had lived more. Now I feel like I'm stuck in this boring life of mediocrity and it just... kills me. I no longer have time to do anything because of my third shift job that I'm working to pay for college. It's days like these when I feel like this that I am reminded why I ever wanted to kill myself before.

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  • I feel the same, but the sad part is, i learn to live with it... i dont have funnt story's to tell, i wasted my teenager years in front of the computer, because i was bullied out there anyways, last year was nice, i made friends got out of my comfort zone.. but we'll see how it goes this year.. i dont see what people could like in me, i sometimes even pity them for liking me, awesome right?

  • wow I feel like I found two kindred spirits. I also feel like this was written by me, I understand how that feels and I've been there. I also enjoy these kinds of fandoms you speak off and I totally understand the feeling of being alone, I thought about suicide when I was 17 when I felt that life wasn't ever gonna get more interesting but I've moved on from that phase of my life. What I've realized was that it was because I had really no direction with my life, I was simply living because I was alive. I did what my parents decided for me and hated every single minute of it. Until I changed my perspective, and myself. I dunno what changed me exactly there were many things, my best friend, my brother, Les Brown I have a lot of people to thank for coming so far. At one point I wanted to drop out of college but now I'm about to graduate in may, and I was chosen to represent my cohort as valedictorian. The main reason for my whole life taking a complete 180 in just 2 years is simply because I found my reason to live, I rediscovered my dream, to become a writer. to write stories and characters that will move others as much as they have moved me. I Perhaps you might be lost at the moment and perhaps you might not know what to do in life yet but I can tell you, your whole perspective on life will change, from dark and dreary of black and white to a beauty field of colorful flowers and the horizon beyond.

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