I need to vent about this, so sorry that it's long. I realized yesterday why I hate myself so much and I just can't stop thinking about it. My boyfriend and I were having a discussion about fandoms, and what it means to be a fan of something. I was getting kind of emotional, and I stopped to ask myself, why? Why do I care so much? Why does it hurt my feelings that he doesn't like my favorite show as much as I thought he did? It's because I'm so passionate about these fandoms, and they mean so much to me. Nobody else in my life cares about them like I do, and I finally thought I found someone who did, but I was wrong. So I'm still alone. And then I thought, why do I care so much? Why do I look at/make fanart? Why do I read/write fanfiction? Why are these fandoms and people/characters so important to me? And that's when I realized... I don't have a life. And I don't mean that like "I'm always online, I don't have a life lol" I mean it in the sense that I am painfully... normal. So normal that I'm not normal. I'm boring. My parents, my friends, even my sister, they all have these stories to tell. Like "When I was 14 I had to drive my friend home with zero car experience because he took his grandparents' car for a joyride and got stuck under a tree" or "When I was in Scouts, I had to hike 50 miles because our leader got us lost in Canada" or "When I was in the army, I pointed my tank at a restaurant in the South so they would let the black man on my team eat with us". I don't have any stories like that. Don't get me wrong, I've been places. I've done fun things. But I don't have any stories worth sharing. Even when I was a kid, I had to bullshit every personal narrative I ever wrote in school (even though they were all based off true events) because I couldn't think of one thing in my life that was worthy of writing two pages about. I'm so grateful that I have a family who loves me and friends who care and a boyfriend who wants to have a future with me, but... I feel so... empty. Unimportant. Bland. I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've wasted all those years being a "good kid" and always following the rules and doing what I'm told. And I don't wish I had done drugs or drank alcohol or done illegal things or any of that. But I wish I had lived more. Now I feel like I'm stuck in this boring life of mediocrity and it just... kills me. I no longer have time to do anything because of my third shift job that I'm working to pay for college. It's days like these when I feel like this that I am reminded why I ever wanted to kill myself before.