If Hitler were alive. He would be proud of the Czech people. I have never experienced such rasicm in my life as i have here in Prague.STAY AWAY if you are not white
I have an exam tomorrow and I didn't prepare very well should I worry about it?
I love her so much, but I can't handle her when she's angry. And it's becoming harder to keep her from being angry lately. And with my malfunctioning brain, I can't help but feel like a worse person each time she finds fault with me. I don't deserve her. I never did. We're a year in, and I feel the tone finally shifting to annoyance in her voice with me. Where there was once affection, there is now a sliver of resentment. My mind goes to suicide on a daily basis, now. Not because I feel helpless, but because I feel I don't deserve life. And now the one person left in this world who gave me hope that I was salvageable is beginning to lose faith in me. I let her down enough times, now, that she sees me the way everyone else does. A waste of time.
I wish I would die. Not that I think of suicide, I don't think that would do any good. But I go to bed everyday wishing I didn't wake up. I just want to not exist anymore.
At the moment, my dreams are terrifiying visualisations of my deepest fears and desires mixed with the kind of unspeakable horrors that only H.P. Lovecraft was able to describe adequatly. I have to change my whole lifestyle, but I don't know where to start.
I am not made for adult life. And I don't mean that in a fun-making, sarcastic, facebook-post kind of way, like "haha I don't know how to adult, like if you can relate". I actually mean it. I have a psychological disorder that makes me be afraid of practically everything you have to do as an adult. Make phone calls, talk to strangers, grocery shopping, informing yourself about things like taxes. And, what sucks the most: jobs. I am someone who needs a lot of alone-time, and an 8hr job (plus breaks, plus commuting) makes that mostly impossible. I've had 3 jobs so far, just tiny little jobs to finance college, and I quit all of them as soon as I could, even though they weren't even full time, because I couldn't handle the stress (partly because of my disorder, partly because I'm weak). I don't know if it's because I'm mentally underdeveloped (I've always been a few years behind everyone else), or if I'll never be a functioning adult. I just know that my life is going to go downhill very fast in the next few months, and that I don't know how to handle it.
Every relationship has fights I don't understand that you want to leave and rather go through that with someone else. I'm disappointed.
I'm NOT FINE! I want to talk to somebody but I'm so embarrassed of my own pathetic state that I can't! I can't even tell the people closest to me who know everything that is happening with me because I do not want to depress them. I hate myself and I wish to not feel anything anymore! Everything sucks! Why am I in hell already?! I haven't died yet to be punished for my sins! Fuck this shit! Faaaaaccccccckkkkkk! I just need someone who will listen to me.
I want to cry but can't. I don't want to keep feeling this way. I've tried most things to get myself to cry and vent it out. Please Universe! For fucks sake let me have some good days and I mean true good days, not days where I manage to fool everyone around me that I'm happy.
I'm such a loser. I'm almost in my forties and all my friends have stable jobs and relationships and i don't. And i can't find the strength to overcome my fears to get my wants and needs. I wish i was never born.