I want a child just for someone to raise. But I know how fucked of person I will be to my kid, I'm scared I might ended up making my child's life and his/her choices in life more fucked up than I do. The opportunities that my kid could've achieved would be taken away just because her mother is fucked up. I'm mentally crazy it's all I'm saying. I'm laughing now for no reason and I'm not sure why.... It's just that I feel so angry, so sad, disappointed, regretful, broken, and lonely. I feel like there's no cure for it. And I can't help myself and I'm sure I can't help a child grow. I'm tired in life. Really tired. And I'm not sure why I'm even tired. I still love life, and I'm sure I've done my best to help others before. But I feel so empty, lost, and I want attention somehow where people praise me. But then, world is made of people who never care about each other unless you make it to what they call "the top".... All the top I see is heaven. I hope it's heaven... Death probably.
Moments I wonder why I am here. I mean, living. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am sure, who knows how many, feels the same way. I feel like I am wallowing around in my life, and don't know what to do with it. To me, I feel like I am stuck on a difficult math question, that I can't skip over, or I will fail the test.
as i grew older, i realize that i'm not attractive enough. having this low self-esteem makes me sad most of the time. but trying to look happy all the time.
Was out walking with my bf today when I passed some other woman from a language class I rarely go to. I noticed her after she'd already seen me. She was looking at me like she was really surprised/ kinda freaked out to see me and I don't know why. I've only met her once in my little language meet up like nearly 2 months ago, she was in my small novice group and I don't remember anything that strange happening. Heck I don't even remember her name and I've only been to this language meet up twice in about a year so I'm confused. Truth be told I'm pretty shy and a little awkward so it's a big deal for me to go and try. This hurt my feelings and confused me.
I have obsessed with my own imagination and I'm living on it by talking to myself. And I think I need to start talking to my therapist about it. (eg. I'm thinking about a scenario and do it in reality)....
I'm sad guys, really, really sad rite now...
between having a boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm more interested in making friends. Because I feel so damn alone. My therapist asked who I can talk about my problems. I said nobody... Like in my opinion, I never wanna make friends just because they're my emotional garbage can. I wanna be friends with them so that I can have someone to call family and go places with. i'm so tired of going out alone.
My period is REALLY bad randomly about two or three times a year. Tonight is one of those nights. I feel like my body is being torn in two, or like something is mauling me and ripping my guts out. I keep clenching my abs so hard trying to stop the pain that my back pops. I've already taken pain meds and I'm laying in bed with a heat pack just writhing and trying not to cry or scream. I can't feel my legs except for the stabbing pain in my knees and ankles. Why does it have to be like this?
I think I’m too nice... maybe I don’t know how to say no to people... or I’m scared of what might happens if I do say no...maybe I’m just a nice person who tries to help as much as I can? But it’s usually to my own detriment... I don’t know how to be less of a pushover.
I think i have anger issues