Idk if these makes me a jerk, but I'm pretty sick of my close friends who have anxiety or depressive episodes. Which to clarify, it's not that I don't understand how things can be. I just really feel like things have been one sided for about a year now and I can't take it anymore. I'm usually very suicidal or self harm feeling. I keep that to myself, and I am always their for them. I cherish every moment and consideration we have. But I feel as though I never get the same kinda appreciation. They're either nosey and wanna know my negative business, then once I tell them, I get ghosted for days. I don't even get a "that sucks". Why ask then? Honestly I'd rather it be ignored and someone send memes etc then to "hey what's wrong?" then immediately disappear. When they come back, I have to hear about their loneliness, depression, OCD, insomnia etc. My second complaint, is the memory. I understand depression and things can make it hard for you to remember most things, but not even exaggerating, I feel like they forget every single thing I ever say. Whether it's something minor, or a deep talk. Not a single thing is ever bothered to recall like it's not even worth the time to do so. Yet I'm expected to constantly be there for them to randomly vent to. To REPLY after they've vented, to be consoling or give really good advice. To help them through panic attacks. I sound harsh when I say all this out loud. I just don't feel appreciated by people that use mental illness to be a shitty friend. Then I see positivity post about how mental illness can make you do things like forget, be distant etc, so as a friend of someone with that, be understanding. I have it really bad. My BPD can be so hard some days. I suffer insomnia. I've self harmed throughout the years to where one of my arms is scarred up. But even still. I've never forgotten any time they've ever came to me for support or comfort. Even when I was crying about my own problems that I would keep silent about. I guess I just can't tell if it's simply mean to expect better from friends who have issues of their own. I'm just frustrated because it's been a while of this now. And recently I've gone through the hardest thing of my life. When I told them about it, like usual, I immediately got ghosted. Only one asked me how I was doing days later, just to ghost me right after. Because they have depression and hearing bad things is triggering. Am I a jerk for thinking negatively of them like that?
I'm so fucked. I'm nearly 40 and only worked a full year in my life. This is so because I have depression since I was 17 and my mother sheltered me too much. Now I have no work experience or resume to show for. No one will employ me. I've tried getting job in two places and both rejected me last week.
I learned long ago to never let the world see you beaten. If you're broken, don't show it. Hold your head high and push on. In public, I am able to portray confidence, charm and humor like nothing. My wit is quick and my thinking quicker. When im alone though, my face hurts from putting on the show. im tired. I hate myself. I hate how much of a chameleon I am. I bury my sensitivities and shortcomings. the only time my real face got shown, if only briefly was when I wore a tanktop and someone saw all the scars on my forearm. He asked idly and I gave him a curt and cold dismissive response. I don't want to talk about myself. I can't trust anybody anymore. Relationships shoving my past in my face, reminding me of how bad a person I actually am. people I called friends only showing their true nature as backstabbing serpents. Being played the fool over and over again. Not anymore.
I'm always helping people get through there problems but what about me I'm constantly going under and I have to put on a smile for everyone I can't even hate in peace because I always have to be the stable one each day I'm slowly dying on the inside and I didn't realize how bad it was until I had to pray to die I need help but it's no use what,do I do
Everyday is survive, survive, survive.
This is me with depression: Skipped breakfast and lunch, still not feeling hungry. I haven't done anything today. I'm still staying in bed when it's 5PM. I will also skip dinner since I won't cook, or feeling hungry. The only reason I'd get up is to work later evening. Which I have to convince myself to get up and do it
I always wonder why I act to weird. about a year ago my parents told me that when i was 2 or 3 i got diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder and it explains alot truth to be told because of that and depression I dont truly love anyone but 2 people. my brother and 1 girl we plan to marry. and because of that I am terrified I wont be able to love my kids. but I do know even if I'm not able I will love them to the best of my ability and i will never let them think i dotn love them.
I don't know what I do to make ppl not like me but ppl are sometimes rude for no reason I'm very nice but when I try to make friends and nothing happens I feel so lonely I'm not sad its actually kinda laughable now it hasn't always been tho. idk what I do to draw ppl away sometimes I get very irritated by it but I guess it Is what it is the older I get the more I'm okay with it but I think it has causes me depression as well but I'm not sure what it is that makes ppl not like me but they dont 😃
I suffer from depression (undiagnosed) but it leeches into panic attacks and terrible anxiety. I have a wonderful husband but I don't think he fully internalizes what I deal with inside my head. I have always been extremely independent and seemingly strong as I don't feel like I can rely on anyone. I contemplate running away from my life completely and leaving the country I live in, so I can full time pursue my passion of running away from everyone and everything. I wish I could just cut off my head, and replace it... thats my insight I guess on how I feel on bad days.
My husband cries alot because he lost both his father and mother with a 3 year period. One to illness, the other suicide. He has no other family aside from his trouble making sister who neglects her children and makes extremely questionable decisions. On my end, my family is all alive. But I spent a long time wishing death on them and I'm tired of pretending them being dead wouldn't 100% benefit me in every way. Absolutely horrible people. It's sad that someone with no family really, can understand where I come from on that, because he's witnessed first hand the horrors I'm dealt with from them. And at 24 have already been isolated from them to the best of our abilities (if they'd stop purposely trying to find me and start shit that is.). It's really sad coming from different sides of the fence when neither situation is okay. Life is strange.