I still look at women when I'm not at home but it's nothing like before. I want to have sex with some but that's it, I don't want to know them. Even if could get past my fear of talking to women I don't want them to know me cause I'm a retard and an asshole. People that know me well are aware of this. One of my female friends (she had a thing for me in the past) asked me once why I didn't had a gf which I replied that I don't want one because I don't want to drag anyone with me as I go into a downward spiral. Believe me when I tell you all that my life is going nowhere and I'm likely to disgrace myself rather than improve it even the slightest bit.
You think it's easy being me? I'm a disfuncional adult, never had a girlfriend or sex, had friends but pissed all of them and only three talk to me now (I hate one of them btw), can't drive because of my anxiety, can't get a job because of anxiety and the of not belonging anywhere. That's right: I am an outcast, a pariah and always have been since I can remember.
I hate my life so much and yet I don't do anything to improve it
I'm so sick and tired of porn. I can't cum with a satisfying orgasm anymore. And somehow lost interest in women too. OK so the last bit is not set in stone but i've been alone all my life and can't miss a women's company because I never had it.
I just want to feel true happiness again.
i've fapped so much today my dick hurts, but i can't force my wife to have sex with me and i don't want to cheat on her
There's not a single thing going right in my life at the moment and honestly, I'm extremely proud of myself for sticking around and still trying my best. That's all I want to say right now. If you're struggling, be proud for doing your best.
I love my baby I really do, but he is just a handfull sometimes and then tonight I have leterally tried to get him to go back to sleep since 11 and its now 230 am and im too the point of crying. Hes crying cause hes tried. Im crying cause I'm tried and knowing hes tried but hes fighting so hes mad and being pregnant agian all this stress right now is making my stomach ache so bad. I do have the babys father in my life and living with me but hes also an ass when you wake him up from sleeping and his pissy attitude is the last thing I need right now. Not saying i'm innocence in anyway cause I obviously get fustrated too. Its hard to be a mom and now I am going to have two which is twice the trouble...Im so jealous of mothers who just have all the patience in the world...I just feel like Im not doing a good enough job now so I dont expect me to be better with another. Im just worried I'll make it worse and that they will be better off without me.
I have a list of research, labs, volunteers, clubs, and class plans but really, my mind wants is to get treatment for my mental health. I wanna just be in a hospital and have a learning time for why im feeling crappy... metaphorically speaking, i feel like my strings are tied up to a hand clock that keeps moving and i have to be dragged along with it or else id be dragged onto an cemented ground and my ass just get bruised up. I dont know when to feel like those string are cut off or when doesthat time freezes while i take time to breath.... im fucking tired of life and the carried expectations i brought up to myself because i chose a career that i love yet super demanding... im happy at the same time im not.... mostly im empty and tired... what is life???
The depression is hitting me hard. My chest physically hurts from the emotional turmoil I'm going through. Fuck mental illness. This shit is ruining my life.