my job gave me a supervizer postion and im acctuly more trouble then I am helpful. I count my drawers wrong or take forever doing it, i keep my employees longer then i need to after close cause they cant leave till I'm done and its always my fault we get out so late. Our store was almost completly dead and we should have been done by at least 10:20 but we didnt leave til 10:40 cause i always mess up on my money. im ready for them to say "f♡ck it, you are no good." and put me back to a basic employee. I fel like i did everything right befor i got promoted..
I can't take a chance even if it means improving my life. I need pussy and money bad but I can't act like I really want those things because of the fear of life griping me.
Sometimes I lie in bed the whole day and wonder why I don't have the energy or the will to do anything even though I have so much stuff to do, and then I'm like... oh right I have depression.
Everyone has way too much power over me.
My father is the worst person I personally know. He doesn't hit me or is an alcoholic or anything, so I'm not sure if I'm "allowed" to complain so heavily - after all, it could be much worse. He just has an awful personality. He's aggressively negative about literally everything, he's childish and self centred, bitter and rude, racist and homophobic. He's also funny, can draw very well and has interesting interests, but those good traits just get lost in his negativity and bitterness. What struck me very hard recently and made me want to write this confession was when he told me how women are hugely inferior, how they don't belong anywhere but in the kitchen and aren't good for anything but sex and doing the household, and how the very thing that's destroying the world right now is the fact that women are allowed to be in leading positions. He told me this, very openly and calmly. I'm his daughter. He is still married to my mother, a WOMAN he's supposed to love and respect, and what angered me most was this blatant disrespect towards her that he expressed with those words. I can't get over this. It's bad enough that I hate my dad, but the worst thing about it is that I can't get out of my head how I'm basically 50% him - genetically, at least, but since he also raised me and was very present my whole life, it's inevitable that he influenced huge parts of my personality. And I feel so awful about this. I don't want any part of him to be part of me. I feel like one of those movie protagonists who find out that the villain is their father and now spend the whole movie being like "I don't want to be like my dad". And yeah, they always end up finding out that they aren't and everything is fine, but what if that's the part that only happens in movies?
Every day lately, I dread getting ready for work. I get a stomach ache and nauseous. I really consider calling out just because I can more often than I should. If I didn't need every hour I can get on the paycheck, I'd call out at least once a month. I wish I could stay home today. But I know it's not that bad. I know as soon as I call out, I'll feel better pretty much instantly. There's no overtime available for me to make up the hours and we're struggling as it is.
Sometimes I wish i'd go to bed and never wake up again.
I hate when my period makes me feel depressed. This past week, I've been on my period. A few days before I started it, my mood started going south. I didn't care about personal hygiene. I didn't care about trying my best at work. It took me all day to finish washing the dishes. I just didn't care about anything. If I cared about something, I couldn't get the energy or motivation to actually do it. Now my period is (hopefully) ending soon and my mood is better. Today, I showered and washed my hair. Washed and folded laundry. Washed the dishes. Even cleaned the inside of the washer because the seal around the door was smelling horrible. I need a doctor soon. These mood swings are no joke, and I bet it's a hormone imbalance or something. I'm dreading when my period comes next time.
i'm so desperate for some kind of interaction that i even keep checking my university e-mail, even if it's just a general e-mail directed at a group
So I'm PMSing (period should be here within a week) and as most of you females know, a lot of shit comes up for us. This particular month is just not sitting well with me. Not only is it Scorpio season, but I'm also just getting sooo sick and tired of everything .... And I truly mean this. Just wanna put this out there that I have many things to be happy and grateful for .. Many blessings and protections in my life. I do appreciate them so very much but there are things that have been weighing on me and I feel like I can't breathe. Let's see-- I won't bore you with details of things that are no longer going on but still affect me, so I'll just say the current and keep in mind that I'm in no place to be dealing with this crap considering the last few years haven't been a fresh walk in the park. I live with my little family and my mom and her BF. I wouldn't care so much but I've never really lived alone. And on top of that, my mom is super delusional and her man is the shadiest mfer I've ever known. Thank God he's not here much but still. I wouldn't have cared so much about him , but this piece of shit has been lying to us about a house he has for us and the worst shit he's done was not want my mom to babysit my daughter .. Which is a huge issue. I have no clue wtf it's to him since he isn't the one who has to take care of her but, I'm a stay at home mom to my daughter. I watch her 24/7. My man works 2 jobs and when he's not working, he's smoking or drinking with a friend. Yes he spends time with us but his job with our daughter is financially. I have some emotional and mental issues and I need breaks. My break is to go out with my man, even if it's like once a week or even twice a month ... To the city , walk around, bar hop, movies. I just can't be home and especially if my mom and her BF are there cuz you know, we have only one living room. I'd go out even if it's doing something family friendly, I have no problem with that. I know she's young now and eventually she's gonna grow up and want to do her own stuff so I enjoy enjoying her now. But the issue with that is that my man doesn't like it. He'd rather go just me and him. Heck if it were up to him, we'd go out every weekend alone. Not partying, just go out to eat or movies, etc. the issue with that is that we don't have babysitters. We have my mom and my aunt .. Who we have to drop off at her house because she doesn't drive and lives in an unsafe area. His family is basically non existent. So basically there I am, always fucking stuck because my fuckin man only wants to do something adventurous if its just me and him. If we have our daughter, it's to only go out to eat .. Which isn't the best cuz you know how 3 year olds are at restaurants. Then my mom now is stingy with babysitting. My man wants to take all these trips (obviously without our daughter) and he has no plans of ever taking her with us. I'm sure any of you that are moms know that no matter how annoying your kids are , you feel better when they're with you. But regardless, I don't have issues being a homebody but it sucks when you don't have your own place .. You can't just be alone and enjoy your little family. It's fucking killing me you guys, like just talking about it makes my chest close up and just wanna cry and cry till I have no tears left. I use to work and make my money but no one can take care of her so I have to wait for her to go to school so I can go back to work and just get my life back on track. I want to get a trusted nanny to call on whenever we need some alone time cuz I can't depend on my mom, plus me and her don't truly get along because we operate very differently so living with her for so long really hurts my soul. I want my own place already so I can bring the nanny over and whenever the fuck her stupid ass boyfriend let's her babysit, she can babysit but my life isn't gonna revolve around their schedule. I know things will get better ... Even if it's not gonna happen tomorrow, I know that one day I'll look back at all of this and it'll be just a memory. The universe has my back and I love her so much. Thank you all for reading. And kind words are appreciated ❤️