Fuck. I just got my first credit card, and the second payment is already a day late. I've just had to pay a late fee and now my interest rates have skyrocketed. I misread the date and thought it was due today, but it was due yesterday. I didn't think bills could be due on Sundays because banks don't operate on Sundays. And I'm so forgetful I forgot that the due date was even coming up. I hate myself so much right now for fucking this up. I had ZERO interest on this card until now. Fuck. Why can't I do anything right? This is why I'm a good for nothing loser who still lives with my mom at 23. Fuck me.
I have a family, parents, aunts, uncles, a boyfriend. Yet I feel so lonely. Everyone is interested only in their own needs and wants. I might be an idealist or a fool. Either way I feel like I don't belong in this world. I am getting scary thoughts. I just needed to get this out into the world. I want to know if there are people in the world who genuinely care and support others when someone is clearly struggling.
I was out drinking at the nightclub I usually go to. At some point that night I find myself with a friend, that I dont really talk to, but we know eachother. Now it still feels like all a blur. I cant remember if it was flirting or me just talking about random stuff. I'm fairly certain it was the outfit that caught his eye. 10+ drinks in me, I was drunk, I could barely walk, my words were slurred. I find myself cuddling up to my friend. Then out of no where he kisses me. After cuddling for sometime, I get up out of nowhere to sprint to the toilet. To vomit. About 3 steps later its done, too late. Ive vomitted. (side note: surprised I wasnt kicked out after that.) After that I remember having a dart, thinking I dont want to walk home alone. I was mostly just wanting someone to walk with me, but my friend wasnt actually drinking, and was able to drop me off. I spent 2 hours outside of my house after closing time, in his car, making out, (was really surprised since vomit breath). And things were escalating. My neck, my breasts, my theighs covered in hickeys. In my head was running, "I dont want to have sex." From how rough this guy was, I remember my legs shaking. And in my heart, I know it wasnt the cold. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, and tell him, please dont put my seat back. Because after tearing apart my fishnets, gliding a knife along my skin, and I didnt know if I was ready for this. Now theres clear access. And I had no intentions, and Ive never found myself in a situation like this. Ive had a similar story but that much longer and complicateder. The main connections are me saying no. Letting it happen, even though I'd rather not. And I didnt think it was going to happen, because I had been drinking, but it happened anyways. idk if I felt trapped, but I didnt try either way. fucking me in the most awkward position and sucking on my neck like a vampire. I notice someone literally walk right past the car on the road, I said something and he practically shaked it off as nothing. Now what I cant get off my mind is consent. Is what we did okay? Because a general rule is no. But sometimes I find myself losing my voice when I am very vulnerable. Idk if this is technically classified as rape or not. But it just leaves a burning image on my mind of him.
There's no one in my life. I mean there's my mother but she doesn't count. I don't have friends (good friends at least) or a woman lover.
I hate being fat, poor and social inept.
Sometimes I wish I was never born. Sex and money, of which I have none, won't change my mind.