I think I'm finally done with hate. I've removed myself from the influence of negative people and my psychologist does wonders to me in my sessions with him.
Sometimes I feel so dark, lonely and lovelorn that I just lay myself on my bed completely without energy to do anything.
I need money bad and get my shit together. Or else I'll became homeless whem my mother won't be around. It's terrifying!
I'm just so sad and lonely all the time. The only time I'm not felling like this is when I'm gaming or masturbating to porn. I barely have friends, I see them once a week or so. My mother and her partner are both near 60 and all they do is sleep and complain. I wish things were better but it's only downhill from here on out. I'm almost 40 BTW.
I regret doing research this summer. I should've done mental health treatment. I have no choice I'm here doing this in a middle of a foreign country where mental health is shunned upon with people who treat me like shit. The program I'm in, people also treat me like shit. Now I'm experiencing confusion (the literal confusion) and my heart is beating fast and I barely even walked. I'm sleepy too yet I'm having tremors. I can't go to the doctor because they will shunned down on my symptoms.
I have depression, ptsd, and gen. anxiety. but these things are manageable. I was treated for a while and I'm doing really fine. Now I do this research program thing for the summer and I never thought it caused me this much emotional damage. Well, this program gives us projects we can do that will be set in other countries and ironically the nature of my project breaks various rules of my program. Now I kept making my colleagues worried because they know what I do all the time and theyre telling the program coordinator that im breaking rules (meaning I will loose my job this summer and ill probably be kicked out of my college degree). my colleagues are frustrated with me. I understand because theyre also responsible for me and we're all responsible with each other. but I do believe it's not my fault. It's not my fault this project was given to me and I didnt get to choose because my program coordinator cancelled the former project I was into because he found out I have a physical disability (it was in a different country with a questionable environment). My program coordinator dont know the new project exactly.. Though I'm not here to break rules, Im here to learn and do research. Im here to do all of those things. Im not here to make friends either and please my colleagues (it's okay if they hate me). I just want to finish this program and move on. But Im so distressed that I wanna have a gap year. But I feel like that's bad (after gap research then I quit for a sem) for my reputation in the future. But tbh, I rather quit college than deal with life like this. I want freedom. I wanna fix my family issues first, my identity crises, and getting treated. Its okay i might destroy my life but its best I get treated before I actually try to take my life.
I suffer from depression and my friends don't know. I just want to die so the pain stops. I take 6 separate meds just to function normal and still is not enough.
I love writing, and force myself to write at least a page perday. But these days, I just sitting in front of my laptop and digging a deep hole inside my head with nothing comes up, like my brain being dried up for no reason. Maybe I don't get much inspiration, maybe I just not in the mood. I don't know. And it's obviously start to driving me crazy!!
i hate my self, i hate everyone. i'm a mess
I'm so damn lonely and touch starved. I just want to love someone and be loved back. Everyone I know has someone to call their own, except for me. And it hurts. I'm tired of being alone all the time, and I'm tired of getting constantly rejected. All my friends tell me I'm pretty and funny and so nice and that any guy or girl would be lucky to have me! ...but no one wants me. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.