I currently hate my work so much that I cry literally every day. I don't know how to make it through the next hour, let alone next few months. The thing is, I'll only be here for the next few months. Then I'll be referred to the workplace I actually want to work at, so it wouldn't make any sense to quit. I already tried everything, I tried negotiating with my boss, tried to talk to my co-workers about the things that are bugging me, but there's no point. Things are as they are. I can't even take my holiday leave or a sick leave during those months, because then I'd risk losing the position. I have to sit through it. Somehow.
My anxiety is killing me right now. All because I went to the bank to make a deposit and I thought some woman was getting ahead of me in line. She was right but the short and rather uncomfortable conversation is enough to make nervous for a few days. I will also not hear heavy metal because it just makes me more anxious, it's like I took a big dose of caffeine.
I'm living in incest. I want to stop but I don't want to stop at the same time. I think I'll end my life.
The past couple weeks every time I wake up, I feel sad that I did. I hoped i didn't
Today, I got caught cheating. Yeah yeah say shit to me I'm a disgrace. I worked and studied so hard on my classes yet I still couldn't remember anything. As much as I don't wanna blame the medication, it is the one causing me to have a memory problems. I'm always tired with it now. It deteriorated my memories. Nothing worked for me, I changed three meds already, went to therapist, been on psych ward for suicidal tendencies. And I cheated for the first time one damn paper exam and got caught. I might be dismissed to a university and my life is ruined forever because of it. The only choice is either I kill myself. I know I have so many things I wanna do yet which are simple and short. Something i never do because I never have time for myself and studying,but after that, i'll kill myself.... I'm almost homeless, I have a physical disability. Like what else do I got in this world?? I can't get any better. Plus, I have no friends and my family doesn't care.. And I was sexually molested, bullied, and abused. I don't trust people and their politics. Who am I to run to.. Honestly, I'm fed up with life so nothing but death. Death does not resolve anything but it ends everything I have been trying to resolve for the whole time of my life. Trying to resolve why I am the person I am. Trying to resolve the issues for cancer. And as selfish as it sounds, I've been living my college life researching about cure methods and I just don't know where to stop and re-start. For 21 years of my life, I got have myself so I'm tired of it.
hrngh. colonel, im trying to sneak around; but im dummy thicc and the clap from my ass cheeks keeps alerting the guards.
I have friends, but we never have time to see each other or even talk hardly. I have family, but I've distanced myself from a lot of them because they're toxic. I have animals, but they're just... not the same. I feel like I'm by myself all the time. I never have people to share things with or talk to or do things with. I just wish I wasn't so damn lonely.
I just want to sleep next to someone on this twilight cold weather.. i never realized how much that kind of feeling meant to me a lot. I spent my whole life alone and occupied with my work and research. Most of my life I live to study reality yet I cant live in reality. Im stuck in the lab then i go home alone. Heck i dont have close friends to talk to. Just colleagues about work. Sometimes they invite me for a drinking night but its still makes me feel empty though. Its so weird im already 24 years old. i never expect much but a real friend i never have. And now someone to be with which is harder to come by. I never dated men since 8 years ago when i was completely different person
Why do guys like to go to strip clubs? My boyfriend as been talking about going to one and I'm feeling self conscious. I've already expressed how I would feel about it.
Overthinking kills the happiness of the person. I feel empty inside. Its sucks that i shouldnt be hurting but i want to feel the pain rather than being empty. Like my heart is really familiar of pain. I just want to cry right now i want to be sad because being empty is worse. Im waiting for tomorrow, I think there will be a bad news or what, so i can feel the pain. Im hoping that I can win the battle that im into. Because no one will save me from this only myself. Is it funny that im typing this after watching a happy ending kdrama? I should be happy right? You cant really guess when will this emptiness will occur in your life. And is it weird that my happiness now is being sad or being in pain? I want to message some of my friends to let out my feelings but so scared and im shy too. I think im such a nuisance to them. They are living a happy life and who I am to share my not so important feelings right? Im not worth of attention. My problem is mine and I shouldnt be sharing it to others.