Externally I am fine, I can life and genuinely be happy. But inside is a fricking hurricane of sadness, angry, and frustration I'm working on how to deal with.... I don't tell people these things because I don't want people to think I'm inconsolably broken... I might be but you don't get to treat me like I am.
I am very disappointed with a member of my family
i am still with a hole in my heart because Rose hasn't talked to me and i am getting worse and worse depression and only liking her even more :/ i just wish she talked to me sometimes and new my name and wondered if im doing ok sometimes
im trying to eliminate flour products and grain and its so hard and theres no food for me in the house . my mom and family are desintegrating and im too, we only ate flour everyday our whole life and sugar, no wonder we are so sick always of everything and breaking down... what are they doing to us fuck... regardless i have to stay focused and ill start feeling better, i was thinking of eating a really fatty cut of beef today but dont know how to cook really , and if i cook everyone gonna be like omg what u cooking hurr durr were your family were retarded hurr durr what what were gonna ask what youre doing so we can dismiss it hurr durr were retarded thats how they act cuz they suck
I am super introverted and I really dislike being around people. I mostly just like to lay in bed, but I get super depressed. being around people gives me so much anxiety, and drains my energy so much. everywhere I go I feel I am hiding behind a mask. I wish I was different but this is who I am. I used to use drugs to escape from who I am and to feel more comfortable being around others. Drugs were obs not the answer though...they ruined my life. I'm sober now, 19 months. But I am so depressed. There is no motivation. No meaning. Every day is the same.
After a whole month of not cutting myself i did it again. i hate myself i dont want to live anymore. my boyfriend and friend started to tell me that the way I love is wrong and saying this like people don't show their love like that . I wish I had the courage to tell this to thier face: I'm sorry that I'm nothing like you and I'm afraid to show people love because its always tured against me .I'm sorry I can't be normal like you because you haven't been through what I have, sorry I can't be someone you want sorry I can't be perfect for you
Somtimes I just want to give up and leave all social media (especially Facebook and Snapchat) permanently and leave them all behind. They aren't good places for me to be especially since nothing good ever comes out of using these apps or anywhere else online for that matter in my experience. Every time I get online (95% of the time) it's always a terrible experience. ☹
Rose is the best in the world i love her so much it hurts everyday it hurts so frickin much shes the only person who understands me but she dont talk to me and it hurts so much i dont want it to hurt anymore i just wanted her to acknowledge me and see that im a real ninja and that we both want same things in life and i just want to do good and stop having money problems and get paid for my art and have the chance to show im the best at jiu jitsu i learning soooo much kimuras because they're the best, and i knew they were the best because Rose does them, its really easy if u just do things like she does u will win because shes smart as hell :/ not everyone acknowledge that i wish u all knew that shes a frickin genius and after she got slammed she maybe dont seem so smart anymore but she still is i promise shes a genius and i love her... i will prove everyone that she was a genius way ahead of her time by fighting like her and winning on everyone.. she always say to have fun in training and shes so right because shes so smart... im getting a thing so i can do ice baths with my friends also Rose made a prediction for me saying i would have friends, well guess what i just made 2 frickin friends who are my friends sooooo hard they help me when i needed sleep and ask me to hangout at their place and get me in on their drug dealing job they are super my friends and im so happy... im gonna make even more just like she said :p anyway yeah i started writing because i get just really really really really really sad i feel like she like ignores me or doesnt like me or that ive been annoying, i just wanted to get her attention since she doesnt seem to see my dms :/ its not that im crazy im just trying to have her see it, the last one she saw while i sent it she hearted it and it was nice.. i wish shed read them again and i wish she was my friend and i wish my kind of style was her favourite kind of style and i wish the way that i train was her favourite martial arts and the food that i cook be her favourite kind of food and i know we have similar music taste and i wish she talked more about musics every song she recommend i fell in love so hard and she listen to things i listened and im sooooo annoying and picky with music i wont listen to almost anything i dont think its perfect and a vibe for me.. basically im just trying to say i love her and im in pain
I don't wanna exist anymore i just wanna be a rock so much less complicated.
Recently I ment someone who was very up front about liking me and wanting to be friends but then kinda immediately disregarded trying to be friends unintentionally because I, someone naturally flirty personality was kind and mildly reciprocal towards there feelings(as well as agreeing that maybe one day we could be in a relationship) . But as time went by on all of the sweet and kind things they've said(like couply sounding things) made me uncomfortable so I let them know and though it busied there feeling they said they they still cared and would wait for me to reciprocate but would take a step back and agreed to try and be friends more. Thing were okay for a bit as we both tried to recover from the mild awkwardness and as we were I realized I was in no way shape or form wanting or capable of sustaining a romantic relationship with someone nor did I have the desire for a relationship before they express there feeling to me (mind you two days after we had met). So currently I'm sitting with this revelation, and suffering mentally for it because I'm to nice to want to hurt this person's feelings because they are genuinely really kind and decent I just have no feelings for desire for a relationship whatsoever :) and I don't know how to make it better because they are hurting some from taking the step back and not being able to express the care they feel hurts but that's an absolutely not for me and I haven't told them this or that I have no desire only that re need to take a step in reverse... I consulted my sister on what to do because they is coming soon to visit with some other mutual friends but she is saying to not dump this on that person now only to wait and see how the trip goes and just have fun not caring one way or the other if potential relationship could come or we just stay friends. I agree with this advice but I hate confrontation and dread the day I'm gonna have to tell them there is no way now or in the near future I'm prepared for a relationship (they have been hurt prior and I don't wanna add to that pain but my sister says me suffer for his sake is just as bad(which I agree with) So yeah.... Welcome to my cornor of suffering where we listen to Corpse Husbands "miss you" and "agoraphobic" on repeat and cry about being stupid and unable to say no~