A (long) while ago, I posted on here that I might have cancer. Since then, no cancer was found, but also no other cause of my symptoms. I'm closer to a diagnosis now, but I'm also quite sure that it will be something bad. And who knows, maybe I won't even get a diagnosis and my symptoms just get worse and worse - either way, I have little hope that my life will be worth living a few years, maybe only months, from now. Because I'm getting worse. My biggest wish is to be wrong about this, to be sitting here a year from now and writing about how I can't believe how hopeless I once felt because all is fine. Everyone who's remotely healthy should feel really grateful for this.
everyday, I had to witness my mom and my dad fighting. I'm so done. I feels like I want to ...
I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through life. Every day I wake up and then I'm just laying there, trying to gather the will and courage to get up and go to work. It's especially hard on Mondays, where I often am so miserable and afraid that I want to cry (I'm just too tired to do so). Then it's 8 hours of frequently looking at the clock and almost getting a break down because time passes so slowly. The only days that feel worth living are weekends. I know that some of you will tell me to get a new job, but it's not my job that sucks, not that itself. At least I think so; I can't imagine doing something else for a living. What really makes me so miserable is the whole human interaction connected with it. The pressure of not screwing up, of not looking stupid, interacting with bosses (which all of my colleagues are because I'm the newest). I seem to lack the natural understanding of what is appropriate and what is not, so I often get myself into awkward situations. I really hope that this will fade when the years pass, that I will become more experienced and therefore less afraid. But until then, every day will be torture.
I've been an addict for 10+ years to this filth it's ruining my life. I've quitted multiple times but I always, always go back. It's really hard to quit but I have faith. There is not going back, not this time. God, give me strength..
People say it's okay to not know what you want to do or what to not know what you want to be as far as the age of 40, i hear it all the time but the amount of pressure and stress my mum puts on me is unreal, and I'm only 17. She threatens me all the time that I'll have to marry young and become a housewife if i dont choose a career path soon. I know she means well but little does she know her words are detrimental and heartbreaking. She tells me i don't take school seriously and i just go for the sake of it but truth is, i'm just as confused as the next kid.
I can't stop thinking about my ex with his new girlfriend. I loved him with all my heart, i thought he was the one. He took a part of my soul with him. I feel so empty. I just wanna recover from this, I'm trying so hard but i just can't
I hate myself with the burning passion of a crematory. Everything about me sucks, I'm short (In statue as in my pants), hairy, and have medically-proved bad skin (I actually tried to fix that, only made it worse), a lazy eye and ugly teeth. But that's only my body, I've got no real, practicable skills, at least in my opinion, yet strangely, people say I'm arrogant, even though I hate myself and see no reason to be arrogant or even proud about anything...I don't even have the self-esteem to politly decline anymore... But shit does not end right here: I'm living in a family where problems are usually solved by wishful thinking instead of actually handling them, so everything is a huge lie, so we all seem to be mentally really broken people, which everybody knows but nobody dares to speak out loud. The only thing keeping me from ending it all is the - rather ironic - fact that there is actually one girl who unconditionally loves me, but I do not want her to have a relationship with me based on my pitiful need for approval, that's equally bad for her and me...I mean, I love her, but from day to day I feel more like I'm using her as a metaphorical 1-up for my self-esteem, not treating her as a real person, and she really deserves better than me.
I want to die but my parents probably want me to live
I've read up on coalcoholism, and everything I've read describes and explains my family conditions. Now I've got proof that my whole family is living a huge lie, which I already feared. The leaflet explained everything in painful detail, from why familiar interaction seems like a bad sitcom, to my own declining mental health. It had physically hurt to read that. While I often reference Lovecraft, only now I know how forbidden knowledge feels like.
The one girl I'm super close with is actually being thrown off by my long hair. It's keeping her from really being attracted to me. All I can say is that hurts. It's important to me that I grow it out longer than it's ever been, and I hate when people walk into my life and try to change things to their liking. I'm just upset. Without her, I've got no one close who I can build something with, and I can tell lately she's been losing interest. Back to square 1 I guess. Hello again, loneliness.