I feel dead inside. Empty too. Occasionally sad.
Hey everyone , this isn't the type of post I like to write in here because it's not about one of my crazy obsessions or something I'm just really mad about. It's about something that hits close to my heart .. And because of this subject, there have been days I didn't wanna wake up and most of the time I feel this heaviness in my chest like I can't breathe. I'm not gonna sit here and tell y'all my whole life story. So at this point in my life, I've been with my partner for 14 years, and we have a beautiful daughter together. We've had our ups and downs in our relationship but at this point, we're past all that and it's good. We're also like best friends. But sadly, I haven't been able to enjoy my little family which I love so much. We've been co habiting with my mom--it's been a fucking rollercoaster , and not a fun one. A few years ago we were living with these people upstairs who were the biggest assholes. They clearly didn't want us living there and any chance they got to mess with us, they did. Not to mention they were racist as well as the people that lived across the street from us. I thank God everyday I'm out of that house, and there isn't a day that goes by where I miss it. Maybe my room because it was my only safe haven, but that's it. Then we moved into this house and while some things got better, like our neighbors finally weren't shit heads... Others got way worse. So if dealing with my mom wasn't enough, my partner decides to bring his brothers from Puerto Rico (they came a year apart). The first one brings his girl and her daughter. I don't wanna get into it but my partners brother loves drama, which is the opposite of me, and his girl was super entitled IN MY HOME. They end up leaving, which was such a beautiful relief... Then my mom gets a boyfriend and he moves in quick. The guy was super nice at first which I already knew was a red flag but I wasn't getting involved. So just like my brother in law and his girl use to fight like crazy, these mfers also fight like crazy. The fights have since escalated. There's more shouting and slamming and sometimes slightly physical. Then my partners other brother comes who's a drug addict trying to break his habit. He also brings his girl and their baby who has also since brought her other daughter who's 8 and has been living with the grandma. They don't live with us, the other brother lives in a room and his girl goes from shelter to shelter. All because she wants to be around this fuckboy when she had a home in Pr, just like the other girl too. She's also entitled ... And because she's in shelters and doesn't work, she's always at my house and she lets her kid cry like crazy. I just don't want to be entrapped in these peoples stupid fucking lives. I don't want them in my home... I want to live with my man and my daughter by our fucking selves. I can't enjoy the 2 beautiful things I have because these stupid mfers are constantly drowning us in their godamn bullshit. All of them! My mom and her BF, my mans family and their girls .... I just want to live alone ... That's all I say. We've been working on it but because of the greed and corruption that goes on in my state , it's not easy. I want these people at a fucking distance and I just pray to wake up one day and feel this feeling of relief , that I haven't felt ever. I want everyone to just live their own fucking lives and leave me and my family the fuck alone. Yeah we can see each other on holidays or hang out here and there , but I don't want them being a part of my everyday life. Universe hear my prayers. I trust in you and know I am always safe with your guidance. It's just I sometimes don't know how much more I can take before I have a huge breakdown. Thanks for all that read. Keep me in your prayers. I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy.
I've only lived with like 1 or 2 other people leaving in the same house so now living with 5 and no private time what so ever is driving me insane. Pluse I'm a new mom so I know my alone time is even more gone. now I feel like I'm trapped because my boyfriends mom can live on her own financially and everyone is lazy and dosent pick up after themselves. The kitchen is a mess so is the living room and our roomate who lives down stairs, eats our food and uses our dishes acts like he dosent have to do anything cause "its not his house." so he dosent do anything either. my anxiety is going threw the roof and I know belive my depression is getting worse..I've even thought about getting my own apartment and moving out but I don't want my boyfriend thinking I've abandoned him..
I have been dreaming that one day I would wake up and check and there would be $30,000 in my paypal account. What I would do would be to finally get my own car and not having rely on coworkers for rides, I could finally go to a laundry mat instead of having to do my laundry in the sink and tub, and be able to get to the grocery store. I am thankful for having all that I do have and I volunteer at the homeless shelter on weekends and seeing what they have to go through Makes me see that they deserve the money more than I do. I'm self aware that I don't have any leg to stand on to ask someone for money when there are more people who deserve it more. It's just a dream I've been wanting to come true one day.
I want a child just for someone to raise. But I know how fucked of person I will be to my kid, I'm scared I might ended up making my child's life and his/her choices in life more fucked up than I do. The opportunities that my kid could've achieved would be taken away just because her mother is fucked up. I'm mentally crazy it's all I'm saying. I'm laughing now for no reason and I'm not sure why.... It's just that I feel so angry, so sad, disappointed, regretful, broken, and lonely. I feel like there's no cure for it. And I can't help myself and I'm sure I can't help a child grow. I'm tired in life. Really tired. And I'm not sure why I'm even tired. I still love life, and I'm sure I've done my best to help others before. But I feel so empty, lost, and I want attention somehow where people praise me. But then, world is made of people who never care about each other unless you make it to what they call "the top".... All the top I see is heaven. I hope it's heaven... Death probably.
Moments I wonder why I am here. I mean, living. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am sure, who knows how many, feels the same way. I feel like I am wallowing around in my life, and don't know what to do with it. To me, I feel like I am stuck on a difficult math question, that I can't skip over, or I will fail the test.
as i grew older, i realize that i'm not attractive enough. having this low self-esteem makes me sad most of the time. but trying to look happy all the time.
Was out walking with my bf today when I passed some other woman from a language class I rarely go to. I noticed her after she'd already seen me. She was looking at me like she was really surprised/ kinda freaked out to see me and I don't know why. I've only met her once in my little language meet up like nearly 2 months ago, she was in my small novice group and I don't remember anything that strange happening. Heck I don't even remember her name and I've only been to this language meet up twice in about a year so I'm confused. Truth be told I'm pretty shy and a little awkward so it's a big deal for me to go and try. This hurt my feelings and confused me.
I have obsessed with my own imagination and I'm living on it by talking to myself. And I think I need to start talking to my therapist about it. (eg. I'm thinking about a scenario and do it in reality)....
I'm sad guys, really, really sad rite now...