People who are more ugly than me can get laid and people who are even weirder can get laid too. I guess I'll just get drunk...
My birthday is next week and I'm dreading it, mostly because my two younger sisters won't be getting in touch. We fell out almost two years ago, at that time I was going through a really horrible period of my life and was incredibly depressed/ having suicidal thoughts. For context about two months before we fell out my long time partner dumped me over the phone, I was made redundant and had to move back home and sleep on my parents coach. They didn't bother to ask how I was doing, didn't want to hang out with me and they kept falling out with me over petty shit. I told them that I was going through a hard time, but they didn't seem to be too bothered. One night I saw that one of them had sent our other sister a bitchy message about me taking too long on the shared laptop and it ended up going into an arguement. Since then, for almost two years we haven't talked and shortly after I moved out. I've messaged them multiple times, inc one time last summer to ask if we could talk about it face to face. They replied that before they would even meet me, they would need me to accept guilt for all types of petty stuff, some of it from years and years ago and some of the stuff they were annoyed at me for didn't even involve them. I found it pretty harsh and one sided but was scared of blowing my chance so I just reiterated if we could meet face to face and chat but it fell through anyway. They're teens 17, and 19 now so I didn't know if that influences their side too much. I would love to make up with them I adore both and it tears me apart, I just don't know if it will work. There's been times when I've visited my family and both staunchly ignore me, the younger one used to make snide passive agressive remarks from time to time. It hurts me badly and I don't know if it can be fixed. I hate the fact that I've been the only one reaching out from time to time - makes me think I'm the only one who wants to make up. It's a terrible situation and I think about it all the time.
I wish I told you I loved you more before you died..
I'm relapsing with depression. I've been dealing with this for all my life. I don't know what I need. I have a great life, food, house, and career.i gave up seeking professional help. All they did was give me meds that never worked. This is me reaching out for help I'm breaking down.im embarrassed to reach out to my family and friends. I think it's because I feel like I'm showing myself being weak. I'm tired of having panic attacks, anxiety and thoughts of how it easy it would be if I just give up.
I'm stuck in a relationship I can't get out of it.... I like my girl and I I don't in the same time.. She love me but I don't she know that.. But I just know that she has been hiding secret from me sense we start to dating first time.. And I told her I know about your Instagram acco... She says I'm sorry... I told her I'll try to make this work... But I really don't want her this time and I'm cheating on her.. Maybe I cheat because I don't like her anymore.. But in the same time I do.. Wtf is wrong with this relationship?
I just thought: If I am always sitting in my room, slowly letting my social skills degrade while feeling miserable, I can't complain about being an Outcast...most of my problems would be solved by going to some public events, drinking a little and then talking to prople...I guess it is time to pull myself out of the shit-quagmire...
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I think I look good, then I turn away from it, my "lazy eye" kicks in, and my Illusion of facial symmetry is shattered. That moment when you can't even have a anatomical basic...
Whenever i make my sister slightly angry (by not giving in to her abuse or by disagreeing with her, or by exposing her as a liar to my parents) she threatens to go to the police and tell them i beat her. she is unstable and completely willing to play as a victim. this kind of accusations are taken seriously in my country and they are also not investigated, they just assume the man is always guilty so she could end my life, my parents don't seem to care because she is the favourite. For years now i just avoid talking to her or interacting with her at all because of her mental illnesses and abuse, because if i pretend that she is dead then she can't hurt me, but lately she has been extra worse, coming into my room to acuse me of stealing from her and worse, and my mom always believes her. i don't know what to do, i'm scared. i know i need to leave and i was acquiring skills so i could work and leave my home doing what i love, but recently i got hurt in my sport and will need surgery, so i will have to stay at home and make no progress in my training for 4 months. i'm afraid that she will have one of her mental illness attacks and send me to jail during those 4 months. since i got injured a month ago i have been locked in my room, and i only go out to eat when she is already in her room sleeping.
Slowly you grew really close to me, I felt great, I could even leave the past behind. You grew closer, sharing many things with me, i was shocked over what you went through. The more I got to know, you became more and more real to me, and with that I opened up more. I think all of this experience is positive, but it was too goos to be true, atleast for me. I dont want to dissapoint, but i dont want to suffer either, i dont know what to do.... It shouldnt, but it hurts... My honest smile probably leaves again, and I can take up my mask. I dont even know what does it hide.... Do I really have to bond with someone? Do I have to accept loneliness? You would probably answer "no", but these questions arent for you. These questions are for me, for a man that wants and doesnt want to love at the same time. To a man that is hurt by being just one half, but at the same time wants to be empty.
i wish i have someone i could talk to about anything. i wish i have one right now.. so i could forget for awhile how cruel this world today. i used to talk about everything to my dad. Dad, i wish u were here with me now.. but u already in heaven. do you know how lonely your daughter right now? why you went away that fast??? i miss you dad.. i really need you.. 😭😭😭😭