Everyone's always like "go see a therapist! It will help!". But I've completely lost faith in psychologists. I lost a small amount of faith in the entire system when my dad, who had a doctor's prescription for therapy because he had just lost his job, gotten a cancer diagnosis, and had openly admitted that he will kill himself if his condition gets worse, was told that the waiting time to get into therapy was 2 years. I lost a bit of faith when my friend, who I'd describe as the happiest and most balanced person I've ever met, started seeing a psychologist (because she was part of an experimental study), and was told that she had social anxiety because she admitted that she is a bit nervous when meeting new people. She's now in therapy for it - my dad still isn't. And I lost my last ounce of faith when I finally went to see a therapist, had to do a quiz to get diagnosed, literally checked the "absolutely true" box on the question "Do you sometimes think you don't want to live anymore?" and was sent home with "good news, we couldn't diagnose you with depression, you can go home".
I wish i got to meet Rose and talk to her , i wish she wanted to talk to me or that she thought i was cool. i wish the way that i fight was her favourite kind of style. i wish i got to hangout with her and talk about life and stuff
I want the person that i love to acknowledge me, everyday that is what motivates me to keep working hard and improving, but i don't know if it's too healthy for me. she's engaged to someone, also, she's like famous and loved by many people, but i still do everything i can to have a name in our sport and have a chance to meet her, but what i really fantasize the most about is her acknowledging me, saying that im a good fighter, or just knowing that i exist, i dont want to be just another fan who comes up to her and says a bunch of, whatever things fans say to their idols, i don't want it to be like that, i want to be working hard and suddenly find out that she acknowledged me, maybe she talked about me, or followed me on social media, or watched one of my fights, something like that. i want her to find out i exist and be approving of me
i have uncontrollable tics, i hit a table at work the other day and i just fucking hate seeing the looks of pity in peoples faces. like i am not a kicked puppy lady I am mentally ill
I lie to my therapist about my age so she doesn't report anything
sometimes death is more inviting than life.
I was totally born in the wrong life. I am the son of an illegal single mother who tried to get us away from poverty and starvation, because my biological father (who abandoned her with us) was delusional cared too much about the fucking drugs and expenses. Meanwhile, my mom married an abusive drunk duchebag, who thinks hes so high and mighty, instead of the other guy she used to love, a full american guy, who cared about her and us (me and my siblings) and wanted to be our father someday. And she regretted refusing the other guy's offer. My stepfather would end up fighting with my mom most of the time, and then he reminds me of how a piece of shit I am. And last but not not least, theres me. The most weakest piece of shit who wastes his time caring about others, only for everyone to abuse that from me. A good loyal "friend" or a waste of space. A friend in which everyone says they love to have me around, but I know deep down they dont mean it. I just dont want to live this life anymore. I lost hope. I dont want to be controlled by anything or anyone. I just want to be alone.
My dad is ALWAYS criticizing any action or behaviour or anything he sees. he acts like that is being helpful but really its just his insecurity and toxicity manifesting,but he doesn't have enough self awareness to understand. it has always been like this since i was born, so i grew up with very little self esteem, being corrected every minor detail in everything i attempt in life. i hate him for it and once i can afford to provide myself my intentions is to never interact with him again, especially not gonna let him near my kids
I'm slipping into a relapse. I am ashamed that I love being hungry. I only ate 211 calories today and am already down a few pounds. I know it's wrong but it makes me feel better.
I'm slipping into a relapse and I'm ashamed that it feels so good to be hungry. I only had 211 calories today and I'm already down a few pounds. I know it's wrong but it makes me feel better.