Throughout my young childhood. I was abused sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically by the people around me. I was seen as trash and a slut that could be used as a cock sleeve. Now I think of myself as a slut. I crave the feeling of being fucked because it's all I've known. I crave the pain that was given to me as a small child. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to experience the rape again. I'm a horrible person. I want to know what it's like to be forced again. I want to feel the pain of being held down as they use me. and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for exsisting. I hate myself for not fighting back because they told me they loved me. I hate myself for complying with what they asked, no matter how afraid I was. I hate living. I want to die.
I had an anxiety attack - maybe it's not the proper term for what I actually want to describe, but I don't know how else to name it - at a family celebration yesterday. I always get cranky at parties because it's all too much for me, I normally need a break after 2 or 3 hours of human interaction, but parties usually are longer. There are also drunk people who are standing too close to you and touch you - something that makes me very uneasy and sometimes even panic - and a lot of grandma's and uncles and also strangers (friends of the extended family) who ask questions that I don't feel comfortable with. But yesterday, all of this hit me even harder than usually. Especially when a few people made fun of me for sitting in a corner, or when one aunt of mine came and told me that I should "get my shit together and not be such a killjoy" (as if I hadn't tried all my life to be different) - it just all broke me down. I had to go to the bathroom several times to fight back tears, had trouble breathing, and I felt this strange sense of total panic and "I have to get out of here". I snapped at a lot of people and went home early (which caused a huge fuss because I got into a fight with my mom about not being allowed outside late at night alone, so I called an Uber and had to go back to the party until it arrived). I heard a lot of people talk about me in both concerned and angry voices. I am too afraid to go down and see my parents because I know they want to talk about it, but I don't want to. I am so endlessly ashamed for being like this and wish I never had to see any of them again.
I'm failing my classes in college, I have no time for sleep, eat and do things that makes me feel human. I have no friends. Ever since I started college I haven't made any friends I can be close with. I was still at home manipulated by some conservative rules. My job don't pay enough for me to even afford living on my own. I don't even have a boyfriend. Now I'm gaining weight, growing lots of pimples, and is extremely depressed. My parents told me to live all those goals one by one. Finish college first and then the others. I always know happiness is pursue not given. So I want to pursue them but one thing I don't know, does pursuing them take a long time or not? Does pursuing happiness even mean pursuing success? What is success?
I've just now realized that I have a mental issue and need help. I've always known that I'm not completely normal, but always brushed it off by saying "what even is normal, after all". In my teen years, when it was kind of "trendy" to say you are cutting and depressed and what not, I felt like a horrible person who's just looking for attention. Later I also thought, well, maybe this is what life is supposed to be like. But I've realized it's not. I have problems. I am not normal. Just wanted to tell that someone.
Ok guys that are taking meds: I'm one of you and I need advice about getting my sex drive back.
my head makes me go crazy. it took me long to get over my first girlfriend. had another one. broke up. hear that my first girlfriends mother died. wrote her saying i was sorry. met an absolutely stunning woman, that seems so much cooler than i am. had a date with her. think only about her, but she is reluctant in showing affection. first girlfriend writes again after a month to tell about her situation. dream about her. dream about five other women. have weird sex dreams and dreams about terrorist attacks. perform really good at university, my brain does not give me a reward. i dont know where my feelings are.
One of the main characters dies in my tv show, im crying. R.I.P Bobby Singer
I'm so sick and tired of believing in a catholic religion. My parents always force me to go to church, pray the rosary... I want to leave sooo bad. I wanted to quit college, work, and just that. I want a peace of mind from school stress and them telling me to do this and that. I don't believe in that religion for a sole purpose of trying to know what I really believe in. And I should've went to mainland for college if it werent my mom sabotaging my application then... But it's too late.... I'm living lies from other people just because even my inner self is a lie. My belief is a lie. I pretend that I believe in a catholic religion when I don't. Can't they just let me go? I want to leave... I'm fine being homeless if I could because fuck these people.. As much as I want to respect the people and the religion but I can't because even the people that cares for me don't even respect me.. well fuck you all catholics and fuck your shit!
Im a huge shut in and super anti-social. Im trying to change cause I have a 6 month old and I dont want to be like me. I want to have friends, have habits he likes to do outside so hes outside and be happy. Hes my world and I hate seeing him upset.
Being an adult is very hard to me. I can't cope with the stress of doing the stuff that I need and want to do.