Always wanted to be with a nice military guy. I'm currently studying for the asvab to get into the army myself but whether I'm in or not, the idea of a partner is nice. I have an older brother that served and I always admired him and the life for it.
Wish I could meet a nice military guy. Currently studying up for the asvab myself but the lifestyle as in like, having a partner whether I'm in or not was always a sweet idea. I have an old brother that served and I always admired him for it.
Theres nothing to be proud of
i.am having a very hard time right now. I was molested from the age of 8-13 byy dad's best friend. I could never ever tell and felt so guilty that at age 40 it still haunts me. he was a middle school VP so. sure he did more horrible things his granddaughter is rebelling at 5he world and 8 see slot of myself in her. how did my parents not know. as a mama I would know. at 24 I was raped again by a friend who I thought cated deeply for me. then last year in October a stranger in Walmarts parking lot attacked me. WHY ??? I HAVE PTSD and my husband left because of it.
I'm sorry my love. I let you down so many times. i cant look in the mirror without wanting to put my fist through it. I hate myself for causing you pain. it makes me wish I had the guts to end my own life when I hear you are hurting, crying, or having trouble financially. if I get this tax thing sorted out I would like to pay a bill or your rent or buy parts so you can get your vehicle fixed. I know it wont fix the damage I did to you or our relationship. I'm not trying to win you back or anything. the gesture is only intended to be taken as a token of my gratitude for the happynes and good times we had together over the last 8 years. a thank you for trying so hard to keep us together as long as you did. C.F.P, I'm so sorry I hurt you I'm not asking you to forgive me. but please find your happyness, you deserve it.
My mom watches coronavirus updates all day. Every. Fucking. Day. I'm so fucking tired of it. She turns the volume on her phone way up, so I have to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I want to stay updated in the sense that I want to know what the rules are in my state, and I want to know any updates on how we can prevent or treat this virus. I don't care about anything else. I don't care where the most recent case was, I don't care how many people died today. I'm sad that it's happening, I'm not apathetic to it, but I don't need to hear those numbers. It's hurting my mental health. The whole thing is just making me sad and angry, especially because I can't do anything about it. All this negativity is poison. And I'm even MORE tired of hearing people making guesses and spreading misinformation. I don't want to hear their speculation. I only want concrete scientific facts. I'm just so tired of all this.
I have hated myself for a long time, long story made short: my life has been shit most of the time. A truly piece of shit dad, horrible people, homeless, unloved by anyone, it's only gotten better within these last few years because I work so damn hard, but I finally met a woman who I respect and cherish and desire.. but I'm not the man she deserves. She somehow always finds out about me putting myself down and she catches me doing in person. She hates it, I know why, she thinks "I'm nice" and dont "dont deserve it" but.. after everything I've been through it's what I know. I was bent and broken to see myself as a piece of trash, it makes me sad that I hurt her.. I think she knows that I self harm in a physical way, she's dropped some small hints but.. I just dont want to be here anymore, all I do is wake up, feel pain that was carved into my brain, work a meaningless job, and then go home and do it all again.. and with all this COV19 stuff.. I am not working and I just feel so empty and alone.. she's the first person in so long who makes me feel okay, and I cant see her, or hang out with her and everything feels terrible again.. I stopped gaming, I stopped writing.. I stopped everything but my own pain. Sometimes I believe the "lies" they told me. That I'm unloved, ugly, stupid, waste of time. They stopped feeling like "lies" awhile ago, though.
My depression has been really bad lately. I'm so stressed that I'm craving cigarettes even though I've never smoked. I had a full mental breakdown yesterday and cried myself to sleep, fighting thoughts of self hatred and worthlessness. I don't want to kill myself, but lingering in the back of my mind, I still hear whispers of death promising me comfort and peace. I am so tired of feeling like this.
I work at UPS, so I'm not allowed to miss work unless I get diagnosed with COVID-19. Work has been really slow, and while I'm glad I haven't been getting destroyed by boxes... I can't help but be sad knowing that the pandemic is the reason it's slow. And I'm also incredibly bored, and I've got nothing to do to pass the time. My job is isolated from the rest of my area, so no one really talks to me... I hate feeling lonely at home and then also being lonely at the only place I can hope for social interaction. 6 feet isn't that far apart. I just want someone to talk to me.
my parents love my brothers so much, im happy they are getting support from my parents but all my parents gave me were trauma and mental scars