My baby boy died inside me, strangled by his umbilical cord. He was due December 16th, and even though I'm not suicidal anymore, I can't bring myself to eat or take care of myself. I want my family to have a good Christmas, but I want no part of it. I wish everyone else could experience it joyfully, but I want to tune it out to survive. Even though I don't want to kill myself anymore, the pain feels like it will kill me anyway.
I'm afraid to lose my job because I'm sick too often. Theoretically they can't fire you because of that and my bosses aren't assholes, but the problem is that I practically can't do my job properly if I'm not there for a certain amount of days, at least in their opinion. Which is a reason for firing me that I can't argue with.
Listening to the radio on Saturday night always makes me sad because they're playing their "special party mix", which just reminds me even more of how I'm sitting at home, all by myself, while other people are partying and having a social life.
I have relized my dad has done ALOT of emotional damage to me. If I'm with someone who Im really attached too, I get really upset when I'm left alone. Even if they just went down stairs too hang out with some friends which is verry sad. It dosent help that he just left me alone in a house when I was little to go get drugs the first night I was there. I couldn't call my mom or anyone cause I was mabey 6 or 7, no access to a phone and I was 2 hours away from my mom in another town. All the times he called saying "I'll come get you this weekend, I promise." And then I sit outside practically all day waiting from him not to show. All the times he wrote me from jail saying "You're my baby girl, I love you, I'll change. We can have a normal father and daughter realtionship." Then I get my hopes up but then nothing changed. Its always the same. Now he wonders why I never answer his calls. I use too say "Oh, I hate his guts. Hes not my dad" But deep down I wish he was there for me..
I'm done I'm done I'm done
I dont think people close to me realize that what they say i take very personally. And i've started to develop mental issues because of it
I dont know how my boyfriend still loves me. I'm moody and short tempered. I get verry upset about small things and one side of my face looks like I had a stroke.
my job gave me a supervizer postion and im acctuly more trouble then I am helpful. I count my drawers wrong or take forever doing it, i keep my employees longer then i need to after close cause they cant leave till I'm done and its always my fault we get out so late. Our store was almost completly dead and we should have been done by at least 10:20 but we didnt leave til 10:40 cause i always mess up on my money. im ready for them to say "f♡ck it, you are no good." and put me back to a basic employee. I fel like i did everything right befor i got promoted..
I can't take a chance even if it means improving my life. I need pussy and money bad but I can't act like I really want those things because of the fear of life griping me.
Sometimes I lie in bed the whole day and wonder why I don't have the energy or the will to do anything even though I have so much stuff to do, and then I'm like... oh right I have depression.