i cut ties with my abusive family. now im realizing after i am done lying to myself i have a lot of serious issues from the mental and emotional abuse. it scares me. i Don't know if i can ever forgive them
i think about this a lot....when my older brother graduated high school after the ceremony my parents ran to him with gifts and hugged him....after mine they just left. they didnt buy the pictures and my mom said i was lucky that i wore red shoes cause otherwise she wouldnt have recognized me. ow
I handle everything just fine until all my support disappears. The second I find myself facing things alone, I get scared. I get depressed. I can't handle anything on my own. And I hate it. I just want to be able to exist, content with my life regardless of if other people want to be in it. But that will never happen.
My self hatred and my depression made me realise, that the really natural happy me, the one who was really happy with what I had/have, has died long ago. When I look into my mirror in the morning, I just see a broken version of me, unhappy with myself and what is happening around me. I look at me and see everything I hate about me... every detail of my body that I hate is clear for me to see and every bad thing I did and every bad trait I have are... just there... swirling in my head, visualizing in front of my eyes.... Most of the time I cry when I see myself in the mirror. I want to break it.... break it into thousands of little shards, each and every single one being so sharp that they would cut through my flesh in no time... relieving me from my existence in this world. A lot of questions circle around in my head.. What has happened? How did I fall so deep into this endless, dark and cold pit? Why can't I be the happy me again? Why do I want to die?
Have you ever done something wrong so many times and you knew it was wrong. so you try to stop from doing it but just cant? no matter how hard you try, the pull is too damn strong so you keep doing it. And everytime you do it, you feel worse and worse about it but know that you're too far deep to stop, so you keep doing it.
I've gotten so used to saying "I'm fine" that everytime someone asks me how I'm doing, even if I'm doing absolutely horrible. I'll still say "I'm fine."
I think I'm less man because of my penis. This has been a battle for more than 10 years and I complete reject my penis size. Besides being small is also very short (in terms of width), specially when not erected. Also, my testicles skin is very small too (women like big balls). Since I'm 28, almost 29, and being complete virgin in all aspects it doesn't help my confidence having such a small working piece. When erected it has between 10/14cm (I don't remember precisely). I think in the couple years I have set my mind in a state that I'm must be ok on being completly alone for the rest of my life.
I'm not rely open with my depression. I know where it lead me to. It's goes with anxiety and anger that it's hard for me to control. One day I cried too hard to my boyfriend and opened up about my depression. I feel so awful because it terrified him. Everytime I get mad it terrifies him. And I feel like victimizing him towards my depression and I'm starting hate myself. I hate that I have depression and I have to drag people into this. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I'm scared he might leave me because I have this. I just want to hide it or just have it gone before I push people away with it.
I want someone to push me over the line. I want someone to bring to to the point of no return. I walk around, do my job and smile at everyone but deep down, my blood boils and a sleeping dragon lies in wait to be awoken. I dont want to but DEEEP down I want to. to just let go and mercilessly beat someone's ass. let go of all this pent up rage and agression and fuck some bloke up who pushed me to the edge. I barely got to let go with my GF who thought it was a good idea to keep testing me despite my warnings. we had a big fight and she was getting aggressive with me. I told her "you get one free hit." and boy she used it. Weak. Pathetic. I take shits that hurt worse. after that I told her "you wont get another chance to hit me again." she tried. and I put her on her ass. I didnt hit her back, I try not to lay hands against females. but I didnt let her hit me again. and FUCK it felt so good to unwind a bit. dare I say it was borderline orgasmic? she kept trying to hit me and I kept putting her down and restraining her. But i felt it. deep inside. that urge to fight back. to lay into her face. to take in the sight of blood dripping from her mangled face, i was teetering on the cliffside. granted she started the entire argument and when I restrained her from punching me, she threatened to call the cops on ME. but I digress.
we had this coronavirus, first case in Turkey! the supermarkets were like in Walking Dead! all shelves empty, lots of people in queues! at least paying for the moment. i cannot imagine iwhat happens if we have more cases!