I have anxiety. I depressed and sad about it.
It's been 6 years, feels like more but its probably less. that's how long I've been single. It's starting to feel like it's been to long for me. I feel like I dont know how I used to get a females attention like I did when I was bouncing from one woman to the next, leaving very little time between. I dont know what has happened. the whole point of moving into this apartment by myself many years ago was to spend time with myself and see who I really was but I think I much prefer not knowing all I've learned. I'm so confused.
Honestly, I'm sooo fed off of my dad criticizing everything I do. I do everything for him to make him proud why is it always that he put me down??? I get good grades, he said it's not enough. I study hard and earn honors, it's not enough. I won, the surf competition, it's not enough. I wanted to become an IT person, I should've stayed in pre-med. I wanted to learn to cook and learn a new language, my food sucks, my work sucks everything sucks! I graudated high school, I got an honors, two medals, and a recognition, it's not enough. When the fuck is enough? Can having me as a daughter be already enough? He always say daughters are a pain in the ass? When was I ever a pain? When did I ever disppoint him in life? It's always my brother!!! The man not woman...He's amazed at my brother. He had one goal in life, to study and become a lawyer. He graduated with a valedictorian with.. I know many awards than me. He got full ride scholarship in damn Yale and apperently saved more with spare college money. Me? Yeah what about me? I pay only half and the other scholarship. Yeah wht is MIT anyway to him? It's not ivy league BUT I love it here! When did he even say he love me!?!?!?! Or proud of what I do? MY mom says he shares his love through giving. Yeah he gives me material things to make me shut up as a kid once. Even as a kid I never even felt loved by him. He doesn't care if I grew up with a no discipline or have an attitude. And I could've wished my father showed me more love through affection and told me things how to be a kid and a happy one. He's only scared if I vanish because my mom will get extremely worried. And my dad only care about my mom. Sometimes it makes me think my dad never wanted us, he never wanted a daughter more, he just wanted my mom. And they've been married for soooo long, I can feel my dad endured all the sacrifces for my mom. Because my mom always wanted a kid especially a daughter. I can tell he's a very good husband but he's a terrible father. If he ever love me he could've showed it long time ago. But I'm already 22...
Im planning to kill myself at the end of the next month. No one knows.
You know these harsh moments, when you realize again that you have to change your life because the thought of suicide becomes more and more pleasing?
All my friends started turning their backs on me because I simply didn't agree with them, and because I opened myself up to them about being weak. People whom I've trusted for decades over are leaving me in mere moments. I hate myself, and I hate that I am unable to simply walk away from this without any negative feelings.
This will be strange and contradictory, but please continue reading: Well, I have almost no self-confidence and suffer of severe selfhatred, for I'm the stereotypical awkward nerd - or rather: have become that over the last few years - yet, I seem to have some form of charisma, as I'm usually to be the one my peers tend to when decisions have to be made...also because people straight up told me that I'm "damn charismatic"...I am peticularly confused by that, and would really like to straighten out all unnecessary awkwardness and become a normie (again?) , but I hardly know where to start and I'm to "anxious" to go out. Guess it's time to grow a pair, isn't it.
I think I suffer from depression but I am scared to actually get it confirmed
Is this a coffin? Am I digging my own grave? I am aware now. Do I still have a chance to leave?
I had a dream the 'she' was pregnant but instead of being happy she was depressed...