Note: I may actually kill myself next week..
My fiance told me he put a knife to his wrist 4 months ago but stopped himself before cutting. That was the only time he came close and he's been fighting it and hiding it since then. I'm so upset and feel guilty that he's been hurting that badly and I didn't see it. He's on blood thinners and we're at least 30 minutes from the hospital. I might not have even been home to call 911 If he did it. I can't lose him. If I lost him like that, I'd have to admit myself to a psych ward. I don't know how to help him. He said he's ok now and the thought of causing everyone so much pain stopped him. But I worry the depression and anxiety will be too much and he won't tell anyone. I made him promise if those thoughts come back, call me or his best friend or someone. And I'm going to have to pay attention to the warning signs I missed before.
Why can't I just live my life and be happy for a moment without someone or something swooping in to knock me down? It's so hard to motivate myself to try when, in the back of my mind, I know that it's not worth it. That it'll just be ruined again.
I still don't get how labeling critizism, right or wrong, as "toxic" and/or "offensive" is different to the third reich labeling modern art as "entartet"...
My life is pure shit currently. I have a lot to deal with right now, and because I think about those problems all the time, I can't enjoy anything anymore. And I'm really moody and get angry fast because I can't deal with all of this, which now ruined my relationship. My boyfriend just said that he wants some time apart, and I think we all know where this will most likely lead to. I really have no idea how to survive this, my life has literally no joy in it at the moment.
I recently was struck by a certain, hardly-describeable, emotion that I thought I would never feel again. Well, I dreamed about some awesome place I can visualize but not describe adequatly that probably does not and can not exist, yet I might swear that this was a real memory of mine, not a simple dream...while I usually try to go with reason and see dreams as sweet-nothings, this disturbed me and I can't get this nostalgic miasma of sheer joy and existential terror in my depressed mind, thus now I doubt my worldview, thinking that what I have seen was some vision about a life I had lived or that I will live in eons uncounted, located in places that no man may tread. This will certainly read like an elaborate Lovecraft-Reference, but it isn't meant to be one, as I actually can feel my sanity slipping my mind as I write this. Please tell me that I am not the only one who experienced something similar...
I wanted to know how did you find out what job or degree you want to pursue. I am struggling as I don't know what to take in college/university. My hobby is painting and cooking yet family said I'll be just a waiter/everyone's servant or painting is nothing. They want me to be a doctor or an auditor. I don't know what to take so if anyone can share how did you found the right job/degree/career, I am thankful.
Do you guys believe in energy? Well here's my story, hope y'all can follow. So I'm very into Astrology, the cosmos .. The whole nine. I made a friend online in an astrology group, he's from another country. We connected instantly and after a few months of talking, I didn't understand why I was so freaking smitten by him. Like it was so intense, that when I would masturbate to him, I could feel my whole body shake. Mind you, I never met him, just seen pics and like 2 videos of him. But it wasn't just his pics, it was the energy we had while talking. I really can't explain it. I loved talking to him, he really helped me during a rough time in my life. He was never pushy about anything inappropriate, I mean I really liked him, he was what I would say my exact type of guy, from head to toe. We've since been talking for almost 3 years and we finally exchanged naughty pics. I kind of always figured he must be small cuz he never pushed a dick pic on me which I found so weird cuz we all know big dick dudes will send you a pic after like 2 hours. Mannnnn let me tell y'all.. The brotha is BLESSED. This made it all worse. Perfect hair, lips , abs , hands and he's packing ??? And he didn't force dick pics on me from the start? Wow! Of course he asked for one in return, so I did. For the first time in my life I actually wanted to send him another one without him asking... And he says "you kept your word so that's all that's matters"... Like what??? Needless to say, my fucking obsession reached another level. So I took it upon myself to do an astrological synastry chart. Basically what that is, is a tool we use in astrology to see how the both of us would interact in a relationship. So that made everything EVEN WORSE! Basically every single thing I felt since we started talking, I was reading right infront of my face. All of the intensity I was feeling, is what I would feel had we met or started a relationship. So it wasn't just my mind idolizing someone, like these strong energies are being transmitted through a phone screen!! Buttttttt..... There's a catch. I left out the part where I'm in a situation and not even that, the guy, as cool as he is, he's really damaged. So am I , and I think that's what I attract. Sadly, he's emotionally shut off. I told him about our synastry and how intense it was and well he just got weird. It's like I triggered something .. Cuz he said "yeah that's how it was with my ex. I hope she dies" so on and so fourth. And that he'd rather die then ever get involved in something Ike that. I mean I don't get why he had such a fatalistic approach to it cuz it's not like I was planning on packing my bags and moving to his country and starting a life. Then he says he don't wanna talk about it anymore, which really pissed me off. Because I wanted to discuss how cool synastry is and how accurate. That we feel these things and they're so strong that we feel them through technology. Like I get he's triggered but he triggered me too because I started to question myself .. Like why am I even upset? Why would I care about someone I'm not even romantically involved with or wasn't really going to be with? And I realized I always do this. I have a problem and it dates back to my parents who never were as nurturing as they should've been, and I don't get along with women, so developing crushes is how I heal myself. Building romantic connections with people .. And it's usually with emotionally damaged people..heck it's always with emotionally damaged guys lol. And I know it's better than being a heroine addict, but this is pretty bad y'all. I be acting heart broken over nothing. And then I get pissed cuz I was doing so good till this dude came along. I have no chance to meet people, local guys in my inbox get one or 1 lines from me. Like I was just focused on myself and my life, and I joined the astrology community because I love it and it's helped me sooo much that I can't even describe. It really helps me pass the time. I've had other guys message me from throes groups but we keep it casual. Even guys who live in the same state as me. But how the fuck did this happen with this beautiful , complicated European??? I don't get it. Then we have bomb synastry? The sex would be cosmic???? What cruel joke is the universe playing on an emotionally vulnerable person??? Like I don't get it. It's so depressing. But as I conclude this, I just wanna let y'all know that energy is real. Me and this guy have to have karmic ties. How our energies gravitated towards one another, while being thousands of miles apart.. Is just something I can't wrap my brain around. Especially since I was kind of avoiding this shit for a while. I'm not even safe on the Internet. Might as well lock myself up in a dungeon. Lol. Well thanks for all of you who made it to the end. We'll see what it all means one day I guess right? Lol. ✌🏼️
i feel pathetic when i self-harm... i do it when my parents/freinds/loved ones are angry with me and sometimes their words push me to my limits...so all that hate i feel becomes bigger when i hurt myself like no one loves me already...am i so invaluable to not even love myself?
I am tired being told what to do and what to say. Why can't I express myself? Why am I not allow to defend myself? I am tired of being bombarded with false accusations. I am tired being put down and treated like a child. Why is everything my fault? I have a voice too, why should I shut up because you say so? I feel so worthless and unwanted. I cry when I am frustrated and I am sorry that offends you or I constantly repeat myself. I am sorry you cannot accept me for who I am. I cannot do this anymore, I cannot live in silence in order to please you. I am tired of being controlled of every thought, opinion and emotions I have.