If any of you here believe in praying, I have a favor to ask. Please pray for my cat. Pray for him to return home safe and sound. I haven't seen him in a few days and I'm starting to worry. He needs special prescription food to maintain his urinary health, and he can't be without it for too long. I know it's normal for tomcats to disappear for weeks at a time, but it's not normal for him. He always comes home. He always comes back to get his food. He always comes when I call for him. I'm so scared.
why do people speck to me in such a horrible way? Why do they bully me. What did i do to deserve it. Im sick of it. I feel like ending my life every single day.
I really do wish i could take my own life. I really do. But i cant its just going to hurt too many people. im just going to have to go on living in this hell.
I get the desire to hurt the people closest to me. I dont mean physical pain. I just sometime wish I can break them down mentally like they do me. though most of them dont really know how badly it affects me. Its probably not even their fault. It could be just me. I dont think anyone is completely bad. Everyone has someone they treat better than others. someone could see someone as a hero while another sees them as a villain. Lately I see nothing but villains. I imagine being the villain every day when I'm stuck with my thoughts, but no matter how damaged I am, how angry, sad. or even how much I crave chaos I cant find the will to do anything but allow things to happen to me.
I had a girl in my life who I loved,. She threw me away at one point. The only things left behind of her are my memories of her, and a weird feeling. A weird feeling that allows me to instantly lose empathy towards anyone when I think about her or I see something that reminds me of her. It honestly amazes me that she had such an impact on me, that I can become emotionally void at a snap, just like that...
I'm not sure how to have friends. Most of the people I know only talk to me when they need something or to check if they still have a foot in the door. I think I'm boring. I think I crave attention. I literally have to tell myself to stop caring about someone so I dont end up texting them a second time because they haven't replied but read. At work I listen to YouTube videos on what not to do, how not to act around girls, or how to be more interesting. I study body language so I can tell if someone wants to escape a conversation, even been looking into micro-expressions. I dont know how to be social still but I can tell what someone is feeling from a distance. I can tell when someone needs a hug or if they're going through emotions. I know all these things but dont know how to talk to people because now I can tell when their umcomfortable.. sighs.
If i ever put up some weight, i'll be so happy. fuck fast metabolism.
People who are more ugly than me can get laid and people who are even weirder can get laid too. I guess I'll just get drunk...
My birthday is next week and I'm dreading it, mostly because my two younger sisters won't be getting in touch. We fell out almost two years ago, at that time I was going through a really horrible period of my life and was incredibly depressed/ having suicidal thoughts. For context about two months before we fell out my long time partner dumped me over the phone, I was made redundant and had to move back home and sleep on my parents coach. They didn't bother to ask how I was doing, didn't want to hang out with me and they kept falling out with me over petty shit. I told them that I was going through a hard time, but they didn't seem to be too bothered. One night I saw that one of them had sent our other sister a bitchy message about me taking too long on the shared laptop and it ended up going into an arguement. Since then, for almost two years we haven't talked and shortly after I moved out. I've messaged them multiple times, inc one time last summer to ask if we could talk about it face to face. They replied that before they would even meet me, they would need me to accept guilt for all types of petty stuff, some of it from years and years ago and some of the stuff they were annoyed at me for didn't even involve them. I found it pretty harsh and one sided but was scared of blowing my chance so I just reiterated if we could meet face to face and chat but it fell through anyway. They're teens 17, and 19 now so I didn't know if that influences their side too much. I would love to make up with them I adore both and it tears me apart, I just don't know if it will work. There's been times when I've visited my family and both staunchly ignore me, the younger one used to make snide passive agressive remarks from time to time. It hurts me badly and I don't know if it can be fixed. I hate the fact that I've been the only one reaching out from time to time - makes me think I'm the only one who wants to make up. It's a terrible situation and I think about it all the time.
I wish I told you I loved you more before you died..