Everyone has way too much power over me.
My father is the worst person I personally know. He doesn't hit me or is an alcoholic or anything, so I'm not sure if I'm "allowed" to complain so heavily - after all, it could be much worse. He just has an awful personality. He's aggressively negative about literally everything, he's childish and self centred, bitter and rude, racist and homophobic. He's also funny, can draw very well and has interesting interests, but those good traits just get lost in his negativity and bitterness. What struck me very hard recently and made me want to write this confession was when he told me how women are hugely inferior, how they don't belong anywhere but in the kitchen and aren't good for anything but sex and doing the household, and how the very thing that's destroying the world right now is the fact that women are allowed to be in leading positions. He told me this, very openly and calmly. I'm his daughter. He is still married to my mother, a WOMAN he's supposed to love and respect, and what angered me most was this blatant disrespect towards her that he expressed with those words. I can't get over this. It's bad enough that I hate my dad, but the worst thing about it is that I can't get out of my head how I'm basically 50% him - genetically, at least, but since he also raised me and was very present my whole life, it's inevitable that he influenced huge parts of my personality. And I feel so awful about this. I don't want any part of him to be part of me. I feel like one of those movie protagonists who find out that the villain is their father and now spend the whole movie being like "I don't want to be like my dad". And yeah, they always end up finding out that they aren't and everything is fine, but what if that's the part that only happens in movies?
Every day lately, I dread getting ready for work. I get a stomach ache and nauseous. I really consider calling out just because I can more often than I should. If I didn't need every hour I can get on the paycheck, I'd call out at least once a month. I wish I could stay home today. But I know it's not that bad. I know as soon as I call out, I'll feel better pretty much instantly. There's no overtime available for me to make up the hours and we're struggling as it is.