it's been almost a year since I managed to get my kids and I away from my abusive ex of 5 year....its took me a year of rebuilding my own self self esteem up enough to resist his constant attacks. although he was so manipulative that he had my own mother siding with him through it all, losing the house, my car, being homeless for 2 months with 3 kids, etc, I still managed to maintain all of the positive changes I'd made to myself. Now, here I am, 10 month later....and I am so broken that I don't know what to do anymore. what caused the crash? the relentless attacks from my mom, my dad backing, her up without even speaking to me for months, being completely isolated and not able to leave my home for weeks at a time due to my anxiety and PTSD.....and to top it all off.... I found out 3 months ago that I am dying.....Which I've kept to myself because I of the lack of support- even emotionally- from my family. I just wonder now why I fought so fucking hard to get my life back, when I wont even be here 6 months from now......
I wake up, only to see the poison injected in my life. Fuck. :-(
My soul feels like it's getting eaten by cannibals. Too much stress and too many haters to deal with. Yep, I'm being eaten alive. Anyone else feels this way?
I hate feeling this way. Every day as far as I can remember I have felt the shame, guilt and regret of things people tell me aren't my fault, maybe it isn't but It FEELS that way... I have told people for years that "I don't feel pain because my nerves were damaged as a kid" except, that's not true. Mentally they were but I still feel pain, I just feel that I deserve it, pain hasnt bothered me in years.
My family and I have committed a crime, because they had no other choice and they did everything they could to keeps us safe. I was also dragged into it. I was a little kid at the time. Now, I feel like I wont be able to get a job because of it. I talked about it to some trustworthy friends, they said even though I committed it and I had no other choice, I'm not a psychopath. But to me technically, I'm still a criminal. I have to live with the guilt and it still haunts me. I want to start to go to therapy, because of the depression I been developing, but I don't want to tell my therapist about it. Sometimes, I feel that everyone, including god is against me. The only way out is to end it. Believing in reincarnation motivates me more to kill myself. Maybe for once, I get to experience happiness in the other life. I could start out clean. (The crime my family and I committed had nothing to do with murder or harming others, but I rather keep it anonymous)
I used to self-harm because I was depressed. now I do it for the sheer enjoyment of the pain. I'm not a sadist, but the soft, subtle sting of the blade slicing my skin and the warm blood running down my arm is intoxicating. I almost take it as an art form. I never cross my cuts, I dont let them interfere with prior scars and they need to be on a clean palette. I hide them so nobody can question me but I'm almost addicted to the sight of my scarred tissue and the pain they gave me. its soothing.
I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. I have spent so much of my life fighting for myself and other people I think I'm just tired. It would be nice to have someone fight for me for once.
I feel destroyed on the inside. I sometimes question my existence. Every night, I wake up at 3 and cry alot for no reason. I tell myself I need to seek for help, but I just keep myself quiet.
I want to cry but I can't.
Sad day, I randomly talk about suicidal person in my class, and how I wanna help them. My lecturer heard it, and he said that i dont need to care about them, they just want an attention. and my other friend agreed. I keep my mouth shut.. Im speechless. Im one of suicide survivor. And it hurt me so much. Back when i was suidcidal. when I told people abt my illness, I dont want attention.. I just want someone to hold me and calm me... cus i dont wanna hurt myself.. i dont wanna die.. but I dnt know how long Im gonna be strong... How long I can hold myself.. I dont want people attention.. I just need help. Am I weird? just because Im suicidal?