I think i have anger issues
I don't think I can do college for the time being. My mental state is critical. I wanna take a gap year but my dad won't let me. I'm thinking of running away from home but I'm broke and I don't know where to go.
Everyday my hand goes along my body. My collar bone, my ribs, hips and lastly my thighs. I feel digusted everytime
they never said this but I know, I'm a trash. the most useless human being. I'm a mess and huge amount of burden, for my family. the facts they tried so hard for me for all these years is killing me. they getting older yet I'm still nothing when will I ...... can pay back for all those hard work? Until when , I had to see them suffered...... just because of me, a trash.
i really miss having a real friend that i could talk to whenever i want to. i really miss having a real friend that who wants to hear my story without judging me or giving me a speech as if i need one. cause sometimes you just need a friend to hug you, an ear to listen to you, a friend that will stand by your side no matter what. l'm sick and tired being the one that always have to listen.. making a free time for them.. etc etc. but whenever i need a friend, they said they're busy.. or when they're not, they always giving me speech as if they know that's the right thing to do. please, you cannot control my life. you don't know what I'm feeling..you don't know what I'm going through. how can you know exactly what i feel when you don't listen???! i really need a friend. just a friend to talk to..that's all..😢😢😢
Holy shit I've been hit by the lonely bus
I'm in college. Already a junior. Still didn't made any friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. Really..... I don't know... I just want friends. just a group of good friends I can hang out with outside classes. I'll be alright you know. Like I can't just tell them, "hey what's up and can I hang out with you, with your friends?" that be soo awkward. I'm just kinda tired of being lonely and alone and insecure because I'm alone. Being alone just makes me even more looking at my imperfections and ended up comparing myself to others. I keep trying to make connections but it's so hard. I'm not autistic or something but I can't do an eye contact because in my mind, I get nervous and my face turn red. And when it turn red my it gets too obvious. And I know eye contact is a key to socialization but it's so hard. I'm not dorming so I guess these people make friends in dorms.... and my high school friends, they're gone. Have their own friends and somehow forgotten about me. My best friend, moved to a different state, engaged and now also forgotten about me. My older college friends, they were my friends because of my brother. But they're gone too. All in graduate school. My brother is even gone, already in graduate school. And you see my friends are all 5 years apart from me. They're like my TA's age. I've been friends with them only for one semester. And I only hang with them during winters when they go home. But they're all over 21 and I'm not, so the drinking part, sometimes I can't hang out with them. And I can't deny this, I'm a product of long term bullying. I was bullied since 3rd grade. When I moved to the US as a kid, I have a culture shock and I became shy so I didn't made friends, in high school I move to different state (also a culture shock), still the same. I got bullied a lot too because my best friend is white (super blonde hair green eyed girl) and the state I live in is Asian dominant population and somehow some people are racist towards white people. So I got bullied and eventually developed anger against the world and people. That was I born, am I hated? am forsaken? After then I constantly lie for a certain image of me. A layered of masks full of different alter ego. But Sometimes I break that myself and show the monster in me. Maybe people sense it and avoid me. But now in college I moved on from that alter egos but the reminiscence of my past, it's hard to completely throw it away. Going through so much killed my mind. But I'm breaking it but why is it still hard to make friends in college? On my first semester, I ended up with friends who are narcissistic and negative... Somehow I see that they're like me. And I avoided them. But loosing them, I felt somehow lost.... Now I can't connect still. And now I even lost my job too so nothing is occupying my mind anymore but the stress of education. Sorry I know this is too much and it might get confusing. But if any of you are reading this, tell me what you don't understand. But thanks for reading this.
I'm taking medicine for baldness, i started really early so i still have a lot of hair and i don't look like i'm balding, but i don't want to take medicine anymore, i think it's affecting my health, it's expensive, and i don't feel good about it.. i feel like i'm not free, i can't just go on crazy adventures like i want to, i have to take my medicine bottles and use it everyday.. i'm 23, i know girls my age will be repulsed by me and treat me horribly with a shaved head, but i feel like it's ok, and i can wait a few years to meet more mature women.. it will just suck to be single for so long as i already feel sad for being single. but i'm tired of the medicine and feeling this way, i need to shave it
I hate feeling this alone. I'm in a house full of people, but due to our opposing schedules, I feel just so... isolated. Third shift life sucks. I hate being by myself all the time. I miss my family and my friends. But I don't have any other options right now.
Being a nice person is fucking terrible. I always go out of my way to help people if I'm able to, and what do I get? I get treated like I'm absolutely worthless by the same people I went above and beyond for. Sometimes I wish I knew how to tell people to fuck off when they need help. Nobody ever helps me when I need it. Be an asshole. Being nice isn't worth it.