it has been almost 6 months since i actually felt nice and confident; this is mostly my fault because i haven't been productive at all and my training is way behind
I WANT TO LET THIS OUT: I have a professor that touched me in my college two years ago. When he did that, I never came to his class again. I tried and tried to pass his class because I need his class and he's the only professor teaching it and it's only offered in one semester I know I need to pass his class. He was horrible, and it also came with a coincident time my father died from a car accident back in LA. I live in a different state so I have to fly down there to attend the funeral. I came back with a note that I came for a funeral and he never accepted it and failed me in my 30% exam without any chance of re-take because he only accepts a doctor's note (not death, sports, conference notes etc). He never said this in the syllabus that he never accept beyond a doctor's note. He never really remembered the time he touched me I guess but he did again. He touched me.. now the end of semester, I failed his class. My GPA went down and I lost three scholarships that only help me afford a college tuition. I was stupid of not dropping his class but I want to graduate on time but him in my life, that probably hindered me what happened to me made me emotionally confused. Now you see, I only have a father and a brother as my relative and since my dad died, I'm by myself (my brother lives in europe away from me), I don't know anyone on my mom's side or my dad's side. And since I lost three scholarships, I have to do something about it. The time my professor touched me then, I felt dirty actually and used it as my asset to work as a stripper. I quit my dreams as pre-med student and majored in something easier to afford paying for college and graduate on time. It's so hard you know. But now I'm a stripper but I'm in no way telling my brother because I know how he'll feel bad that he failed me. But I don't want him to know my problems and pas it on to him. He's my ONLY family. Now though, I'm trying to make an evidence that he touched me so next time I can sue him. And right now my grades, I'm working on, I'm two points to get the grades back and get out of stripping already. I honestly don't like it but it pays me good money tbh. Good money.
I used to cut myself, to feel something, existence. Now I have lost all respect for myself. Sex I guess has replaced my cutting. Its great, fun, pleasurable, I feel excitement and adrenalin flowing through my veins from it. Cutting was usually my wrist or something, usually from anxiety. But this new part of me takes all my energy when I dwell on it. I would love to go back to this old habit, but I see no point. All the factors that lead into this part of me is bizzare. I am so far in this mess that I physically cannot change my decisions, I am that far gone.
I am in love with my best friend (I'm still kind new to this studd) but she is in a relationship (a good one too) and I feel horrible for being jealous. I would say something to her but she is literally the only thing keeping me from killing myself so I can't lose her. I hate her but I love her... she is my best friend but I wish we could be so much more
I feel so close to giving up on school altogether. My last year, im going insane, im not making smart decisions. I dont even know if I want pursue the career of my dreams anymore. Wanted to do it since i was 15. And at 18 i feel so consumed by my mental health, i just dont know anymore. I dont feel good enough, and i dont know i am or if i'll ever be.
My gf and me went off on a skiing trip with one of her school friends and this friend's mates also. I didn't know anyone except for my girlfriend. Anyway this girl, my gf's friend (and the organiser of the trip) was really weird. Even from the very first night she was weirdly passive aggressive I noticed and when we went to bed that first night without me even saying it to my gf so said to me first that she noticed that she was being pretty weird towards us. The next five days that followed we noticed that she would still be passive aggressive to us and making things really awkward and her other friends would start to act awkward too but no one would mention it out loud. In the end things got so bad and uncomfortable my gf asked if we could leave the trip early to which I gladly said yes. Then after we'd left this girl starts ringing up my gf being overly nice asking why we left early, pretending that she didn't know why, my gf let it slide and didn't call her out on her behaviour. In the next few weeks she was messaging my gf on and off to go hang out with her and the other girls - being really nice, acting like nothing had happened. This girl was an absolute nightmare and ruined a whole trip which took us ages to get to, because her behaviour was so awful it got to the point where my gf was saying that she didn't even want to be her friend now it looks like she's going to let her off the hook after acting like a brat for nearly a week and it pisses me off, I feel betrayed. This girl by the way didn't even really make an effort to make me feel comfortable even though she was the one who organised the trip - she barely made an effort to talk to me, literally apart from the first night where she asked me a few generic questions it was me who had to make the effort to even have small talk. I want to say something but I don't even know if it's my place too because it's their friendship, feels bad because she probably end up getting away with her bad behaviour.
Boyfriend and me just moved into a new area that I don't really know that well/like - his idea - his home city. We've only been here for half a week, when today he wakes up and tells me that he's bored and wants to go to Amsterdam today for the best part of a week. Within the space of less than two hours he'd booked it and left to go to the airport. He gave me the option of joining him on Sunday because he said that feels bad about me being on me own which insulted me because it felt like he was only asking me to join out of pity. Later he said that it would actually be nice if I joined but I don't know if he's just saying that now. I don't know if I should or not? This impulsive side of him really annoys me - I already feel vulnerable in this new area as it is without him just taking off with not much notice leaving me to deal with it alone. Plus I don't even know if I should join him or not?
Here's a thing. The thing I noticed about depression, I know that my depression is bad and the reason is because I grew up having hypersensitive personality. Childhood wise, I grew up always being provoked to get mad and I guess that's something that I brought with me until I get older. I don't know how to explain it but that's my childhood. It is complex and full of manipulation and emotional abuse and I let that go but the attitude and subconscious growth emotions are something I still brought in with me until the time I got older (Which is now). And now, I get hurt easily when people say stuff and I get mad and I become grumpy and mad at the world and wanted to kill people who do that stuff to me. And when I say kill, I' feel like smash their heads to the ground. And now, I'm still paranoid that people talk and say stuff to me. I'm mad always mad. And deep inside I'm very sad and empty. And now, I'm a person with ambition and dreams and would just like to pursue that. But it's hard sometimes and I feel like time goes by sooo fast and I'm getting tired. And I just wanted a break from people, and the things I do. I just want to lie in the bed and stare at nowhere. I want to sleep fast and never wake up. But at the same time, I wanted a time where i can love myself and be strong and be the light and just meet good people already. Socialize... BUt where can I find good people? Everyone seems so intimidating and hating and mean.
my dealer who was also pretty much a friend, got shot and arrested, he will be in 6 yrs. this was around 2 months ago, i haven't had a proper unhibited weed smoking sesh since then. i have to go into the city with the bus, and count on luck that there will be some guys selling weed 5$ at a time in the square downtown, and it's risky to buy like this because cops can show up at any moment. i've been so fucking sad and depressed, i love to get home after a busy productive day and just have a gigantic block of weed just waiting for me that i can smoke as much as i want out of. i need to get a new dealer, i just need it. i'm gonna go crazy without my weed. i know i sound like a addict but i don't give a fuck, smoking weed is a big hobby of mine, i collect glass bongs, papers, grinders, lighters etc. i really love weed. it got me completely off of painkillers and i don't drink at all anymore
I'm tired of being nice caring and considerate. I know this sounds stupid but it's just in my blood.im not forcing it.regardless of how I'm treated I can't stop it.its bringing me sadness stress and not getting me where I need to in life.i need to be more selfish and aggressive but I don't know how to.ive watched tons of motivational videos,book, movies(mean girls/gossip girl/the craft/heathers). I can't bring myself to do horrible stuff or be mean.i need help!!!!