So. I guess I'll type down what's been bugging me recently. I've lost my car to the flood in Houston while I was working. I was compensated for it. I've bought a truck. That blew up and I realized I was scammed by a dealership and I can't get my money back. I lost my job due to not having a vehicle. All the money I was saving up for another car went into paying for a new house to live in with my family since my apartment kept flooding all the time even without hurricanes and was growing mold that management took a very long time to get rid of. Right now, I'm being supported by my family, but I am unable to find another job. I'm in a part of town where there are no buses for miles. The places I apply keep saying that either they're full or they don't answer my calls. It's been three months now. My suicidal depression's getting worse and worse. I keep getting thoughts like, "You're useless" "You can't do anything on your own" "Even if you Uber, you'll only be making 20 dollars a week so what's the point" "Just die already" I've tried reading the bible front and back like my mother suggests but it's just a literary version of white noise. My mom says, "Just wait. We'll invest in a car so you can get a job" which just makes me feel worse. "You're a hindrance" is all I can think. I'm sleeping a lot more now and waking up dizzy feeling nausea. I feel trapped and no where to go. No more. Please. I want it to stop.
The first relationship I was in, i was 14. I lost my virginity (16)to him. I always saw sex as okay. But after i broke up with him, i became very, dont how to explain this but scared and hesitant of the touch of him or any male. To believe i was gay after a while of being single. But i shortly went back to men. This is the fucked up part - 17 years old, i met with my first sugar daddy, 30 years older than me. I lied to him about my age for some stupid reason, i thought, hmm i wonder what i can get out of this. I have the constant thought of being an object or just for pleasure by him. After telling the truth of my age, he proceeded to have sex with me in a stairwell. I thought wow, im so scandalous with this middle aged man: i dont want anyone to know. I continued to see him, he was giving me money, i was very intrigued, i dont have much money so it helped. But as i was bent over in the stairwell my legs were shaking. This man was so intimidating. I think it was a guy i had met with only two times, really made me anxious. Im finally 18, but he could still sense i was scared, we proceeded to the hotel room anyways. That afternoon was bizarre, it was fun, but this experimental side of me made me anxious. We did everything and it was better than my first time. But i felt like it was just him, so intimidating. He choked me with his belt, i almost passed out. I dont know why and how we proceeded to that. I feel as though a mental toll has been taken on me from this experience and i dont know how to keep it together. I dont want to tell people i know this story. Its so fucked up and disgusting, i have a safety plan at school and everything. But they dont know this, this is the main reason why i want to die. So no one can know this gross story. Ive recently decided that i want to stop seeing him, that i am mentally not okay to continue as a sugar baby. My sugar daddy shouldnt need my emotional baggage, but I was never going to tell him in the first place.
I feel like dieing but I know my parents can't afford it, my health is not going well I'm afraid something unintentional might happen but I would be happy but I can't be happy if I burden them with debt. posted here cause I don't want people criticizing me. I would write more but that would mean a lot of explaining.
My boyfriend and me tried to have sex for the first time in weeks, not good. He was too soft when we tried sex so I attempted to give him a BJ for a couple of minutes, no luck he went completely soft. I don't know why. I know we're long term but this situation hasn't really occured before, at least in this extreme. Usually worst comes to worst he finishes when I give him a bj, not this time I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I just lay there in the awkward silence embarrassed and hurt after, trying to think of reasons why. Our relationship is good atm, I'm pretty sure he's not under any stress, he was telling me just earlier in the day that I looked pretty and he wasn't intoxicated or anything. I've sensed he's kind of avoided sex for close on a month now until yesterday's disaster, even when we started I sensed he wasn't completely into it. Even asking him last night why he didn't give me a proper answer. I don't know what to do, we're both only in our twenties, surely way too young to be barely having sex.
I'm actually here to read comments about depression and prpblems and read theres and how it applies to my life. Just always reminds me that my life is not worse than anyone else and/or else I'm not alone experiencing the same struggle.
Ugh, communicating was already hard for me in my native language but since we moved to the UK it only made it worse. I suffer from social anxiety and its really hard to communicate with people. Especially in English and I don't understand people's accents (I can write in English tho but speaking and listening is difficult). Last week we ordered groceries online and my boyfriend has to work so I have to open the door and though I am really scared and nervous to communicate with the delivery guy I always do it. I open the door every week and thank the man for the groceries, even though I am really scared to do so. Okay, well. This one time my boyfriend decided to order from a different supermarket than we normally do and I was okay with that. So the groceries came and I opened the door and the guy asked me where I would like to have the groceries. I answered his question and we started to unload. Then he asked another question and I didn't understand him. And he got mad at me for not understanding his question! Then he finished unloading and he left, saying 'unbelievable' and not even saying goodbye. I didn't even had time to thank him for the groceries as I just stood there in shock. I really didn't know what to do. I was so scared and upset. I didn't even sign for the groceries. I closed the door and cried till my boyfriend got home. This is why I always want to avoid opening the door. I even asked my boyfriend to let it deliver on Saturdays next time so he's home to open the door. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm just so scared and that one situation only made it worse. I just want to cry when I think about it.
Coming from someone staring into the "Incel"-abyss. I am not a crazy psychopath, I don't hate woman, and I don't feel entitled to anything. I am just a guy who does no harm to anyone. I only want to be treated as the respectable person I always tried to be, it's not even about sex or getting a girlfriend anymore, I just want to be treated as a human...for example, I just sat on a bench, reading a book, when I was called a pervert because some girl sat down on the same bench and insisted that I should leave because her friend wanted to sit where I already sat before they arrived, which I politly declined without any thought. Am I such a broken person that I can't insist on my place without people thinking I am a creep?
Note: I may actually kill myself next week..
My fiance told me he put a knife to his wrist 4 months ago but stopped himself before cutting. That was the only time he came close and he's been fighting it and hiding it since then. I'm so upset and feel guilty that he's been hurting that badly and I didn't see it. He's on blood thinners and we're at least 30 minutes from the hospital. I might not have even been home to call 911 If he did it. I can't lose him. If I lost him like that, I'd have to admit myself to a psych ward. I don't know how to help him. He said he's ok now and the thought of causing everyone so much pain stopped him. But I worry the depression and anxiety will be too much and he won't tell anyone. I made him promise if those thoughts come back, call me or his best friend or someone. And I'm going to have to pay attention to the warning signs I missed before.
Why can't I just live my life and be happy for a moment without someone or something swooping in to knock me down? It's so hard to motivate myself to try when, in the back of my mind, I know that it's not worth it. That it'll just be ruined again.