I do don't want to go to the gym today. Because hubby wants me to go, it feels like a chore, like washing the dishes. That makes it not the escape that it is otherwise. I'd rather just stay home. And with hubby hounding me I just want to say to him, "Fuck you!". And he wants me to go when he thinks I should, not when I feel like it. Pisses me off to no end.
I believe all feminist women are toxic and inherently evil, and the effects of them leading such existence is making all of humanity suffer more than necessary
For as long as I can remember, I have always had a toxic relationship with my mother, even as a little kid. For these past few years, it got to the point where she was making me feel suicidal sometimes. I wish I could cut her lose. I wish I could let her go. I wish I could move on with my life without her in it....but she is still my mother.....and that is what is keeping me tied to her while I slowly suffocate from it until it pushes me to edge again.
I'm considering to dump a friend of mine. We do have fun together from time to time but his general pessimism and victim complex has been a real drain on my own mental health for too long now. I'm considering to just stop talking and spending time with them all together. Which, by the way, was their suggestion because "I deserve to be with someone who won't drag me down". I didn't want to accept that fact and I still don't feel comfortable with this decision but I don't think I can keep this up much longer.
I have a crush on this girl who is a famous athlete like when i learned who she was i was like i feel like i relate to this person then when i watched like some interviews and stuff everything i saw was like, what i had dreamed that someone would be like, like the type of songs she's into, how she thinks about life and sees the world, what attracts her, what food she likes , her fighting style , her humour, is all things that really i have but i was insecure about being myself, she is that way but she is not insecure she has confidence and class trough her art, and i thought that was valuable and precious. also i know this is maybe weird but she's totally kind of hero in my life i dunno like i feel like she is a little bit like i am, and i always used to think oh this sport or that thing is not for someone like me, but she is 'like me' and she's the best in the world and has a good life, so she inspire me to do things. i feel upset everyday that i am just another one she probably has millions of guys like me who would die for her and i can never tell her what she did for me and what i think of it even here i don't have vocabulary enough to explain , because she is artist, the real thing , and she brought art to my life and im just grateful. i hope she never gets hurt ever again
I don't think that I belong here in this world... often when I'm home alone or when I'm out, I think of the many ways that I could die. I hate myself to the extend of me thinking about every way possible of making my death quick and it afterwards being impossible to revive myself. Every day when I have to go out, I hope that I get hit by a car/bus. I just hope that a dumb driver isn't wathing the road and they accidentally hit me. I sometimes have to cross train tracks on my way home and every time I have to cross them, I just stand there, quiet, for about 5-10 minutes, hoping a train just randomly comes around and hits me. I live in a small village and the trains aren't always on time when they pass by our village. So I sometimes hope to be standing there and suddenly be swept away by the train. I just don't want to be alive anymore. I've grown to hate everything that made me happy once and I only fight with my relatives. I have the feeling that I'm more of a burden to them than they say. I think that I'm only doing things wrong and that everyone would be better off without me. I lost contact to almost all my friends, I don't have any real life friends that live close by. My friends are scattered all around the world and I know I will never get to see them. I know that my "friends" in school talk about me behind my back and they secretly make fun of me. I know that I'm not the prettiest. My self hate is killing me slowly from the inside. I know that I'm fat, ugly, lazy, moody and a lot more, but I've fallen into a deep hole of sadness and it's eating me up. I can't seem to get out of it and it scares me.... my mom wants to talk about it with me and she is super understanding, but when I try and tell her about it she is projecting it on her in the sense of what she would do and what would be best if she would be in my place. I told her that I have an appointment with a psychologist to talk about it, she understood. I went ahead afterwards and roughly told my mom what we talked about in the session, she told me that I should have talked about other things with my psychologist. She then asks me about a week later why I'm so moody and sad and why I'm not talking about it with her. I sometimes get the feeling that I'm not loved anymore. I often think that I and many others would be better off if I was dead. The only thing that keeps me here, is my boyfriend. He gives me the feeling of being completely loved and cared for. He tells me that I'm perfect in his eyes, with my flaws and all. He is there for me when I'm feeling down or when I'm crying. He is somewhat the only person that understands me and only the thought of losing him makes me cry. I love him so much because he is the one person that stands behind me no matter what I do. But I'm afraid that I'm going to loose him too eventually.... like everyone else. I just don't know what I'm doing here anymore.....
Life is so damn depressing. I live in a cycle of go to school and come home, jack off, play games, and sleep. I'm not doing anything for and with my life. I want to get good at video games but feel like o don't get any better no matter how much I practice. I honestly cry myself to sleep sometimes. All of this makes a big mental problem and stresses me to the point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm too award and shy to ask for help from someone, even people who I would trust my life with. I know what I want but I never put any effort towards it. A kid at my school keeps bullying me and it's gotten to the point that I laugh it off and mumble to myself about how pathetic he is with a grin on my face. I don't know what to do to make anything in my life better and feel like I should just end it before I hurt someone's feelings due to desensitization after emotional trauma. I want help, but I can't get it because I need help with that.
i travel 5 months with old semester tikit and keep making fool to Bus driver. Today i get caught and he taken my cards photo .i lied that i have another tickit and he said to show to show it tommorow or pay the fine. Now i am thinking different ways to get save from fine and hide this info from my colleague. I am feeling guilty of my act and have lots of regret. I am also afraid for result of my actions getting bad social remarks further problems in job. If my colleague or boss get to know this things then I will unable to make eye contact. Recent time i also faced failure i am feeling really guilty. I hate myself i feel disgusting.
I'm crying a lot more often. Everyday. I don't know how much longer i can stand this. I wish I could just get better and go on with my life. I look at photos of you and it breaks my heart. I miss you.
I feel like Raj in the first seasons of BBT.