I'm worried because my bf doesn't really use FB messenger much, however earlier on tonight I noticed that all of a sudden he's unusually active on it, hours later he's in the other room while I'm lying here in bed, wondering what he's doing - I just checked and I can see that he's active on it right now - I worry about why he'd be on it at 4 in the morning. I think he just saw me come online because he just stopped being active. It worries me because I know a girl he had a crush on from his old high school is on his profile alongside a few other cute chicks in general. Would anyone else be concerned? If so, what do? I don't think I can even say anything without coming as a obsessive but I can't help but be concerned.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment where I might get diagnosed with cancer. I am almost too afraid to go. I can't fall asleep. I wish I wouldn't have to go through this.
Moved to a new country because my Mom lives here and is now really sick, I'm self employed - I work on remote projects online so I can't even use work an excuse to meet new people so quickly I've became lonely with no friends. I finally plucked up the courage to go to a local event for foreigners to chat, I met a nice girl and thought maybe we could be friends. A few weeks later she contacts me asking me if I'm staying in the country and acts all nice and interested in me - I'm really happy because I just want any friend at this point I'm so lonely, it turns out that she just wanted to use me, in recruiting me for some work event. When I firmly but nicely declined it a few times she still kept pushing for it barely bothering to hide her eagerness anymore, just wanting to talk abut that. I feel really sad and worthless, I have bad social anxiety to the point where I can barely look people in the eyes so even just to go that initial social meet was a big deal I had to psyche myself up for. Making friends for me is really difficult and for this to not work just dents my confidence even more. I don't know how to make friends. I'm 25 and female with no social life, I'm living in a pretty small city so there's not too many events, not even Meetup covers this place - it's too irrelevant to be mentioned on any expat groups plus obviously being self employed I don't get to meet people often, I even joined my local gym but then that closed down shortly after I don't know what to do.
I don't want to, but I think I need to start looking for another job. My production numbers and metrics are just not getting where they need to be. I keep trying to do what I need to and it's not working. I'm tired of trying. I'm sick of it seeming so easy for other people and it never is for me. I'm sick of crying before work. It feels hopeless and the stress is breaking me. I have to work my ass off and get lucky to barely meet my goal. I'm tired of it.
For years I thought I have depression, because, well, I'm depressed all the time. But now I think I don't have the actual illness, but just a shitty life. I don't know if it even makes a difference, but somehow this seems like a huge discovery for me - I'm just not sure if positive or negative.
If people knew my secrets, i think Id be dead. Id rather be dead if people knew.
I really hate advertising on Mother's Day. I'm glad it'll be over after today. It's tough being bombarded with everything about moms when yours isn't here anymore. I was driving to work yesterday and heard an ad on the radio saying something like "Gifts for your mom are great, but you know what she really wants? Time with -". I was worried it would say my mom wants time with me, so I turned it off. Well, no shit. I want time with my mom too. I'd give anything to spend more time with her. I'd cut off my own foot just to hug her again and hear her voice. Unless you can go back in time and save my mom's life, shut it. I wish there was a way to ignore all mother's day stuff while still going online and listening to the radio like normal.
it has been almost 6 months since i actually felt nice and confident; this is mostly my fault because i haven't been productive at all and my training is way behind
I WANT TO LET THIS OUT: I have a professor that touched me in my college two years ago. When he did that, I never came to his class again. I tried and tried to pass his class because I need his class and he's the only professor teaching it and it's only offered in one semester I know I need to pass his class. He was horrible, and it also came with a coincident time my father died from a car accident back in LA. I live in a different state so I have to fly down there to attend the funeral. I came back with a note that I came for a funeral and he never accepted it and failed me in my 30% exam without any chance of re-take because he only accepts a doctor's note (not death, sports, conference notes etc). He never said this in the syllabus that he never accept beyond a doctor's note. He never really remembered the time he touched me I guess but he did again. He touched me.. now the end of semester, I failed his class. My GPA went down and I lost three scholarships that only help me afford a college tuition. I was stupid of not dropping his class but I want to graduate on time but him in my life, that probably hindered me what happened to me made me emotionally confused. Now you see, I only have a father and a brother as my relative and since my dad died, I'm by myself (my brother lives in europe away from me), I don't know anyone on my mom's side or my dad's side. And since I lost three scholarships, I have to do something about it. The time my professor touched me then, I felt dirty actually and used it as my asset to work as a stripper. I quit my dreams as pre-med student and majored in something easier to afford paying for college and graduate on time. It's so hard you know. But now I'm a stripper but I'm in no way telling my brother because I know how he'll feel bad that he failed me. But I don't want him to know my problems and pas it on to him. He's my ONLY family. Now though, I'm trying to make an evidence that he touched me so next time I can sue him. And right now my grades, I'm working on, I'm two points to get the grades back and get out of stripping already. I honestly don't like it but it pays me good money tbh. Good money.
I used to cut myself, to feel something, existence. Now I have lost all respect for myself. Sex I guess has replaced my cutting. Its great, fun, pleasurable, I feel excitement and adrenalin flowing through my veins from it. Cutting was usually my wrist or something, usually from anxiety. But this new part of me takes all my energy when I dwell on it. I would love to go back to this old habit, but I see no point. All the factors that lead into this part of me is bizzare. I am so far in this mess that I physically cannot change my decisions, I am that far gone.