I don't care if I lose my job right now and that's very dangerous and I'm very afraid to screw my whole future. I have depression and am in a bad phase right now, which makes me feel like I would rather lie on the couch all day instead of going to work. I know I would regret losing the job (I don't have a degree and would have a a hard time getting in anywhere, apart from the normal struggle of being unemployed). But I get those impulses to quit or just get fired
I wonder how it took me 2 months to write 5761 words for my proposal and just an hour for 1028 words of fictional bullshit
My sister texts me that since it's our niece's bday coming up she's already brought her presents for it and has sent them all to our oldest sister (our nieces Mom) saying that they're from all of us, me included as well. So I send my sister money to cover my part of the presents she'd brought. Days later my oldest sister, our nieces Mom, has now recorded a thank you video for the gifts along with her husband and sent it to our family group chat. I've just watched it. They thank everyone by name apart from me. I'm snubbed. I'm so fucking hurt. I noticed that I get snubbed quite a bit when it comes to my family. This is just the latest example. I feel like writing that I put money to her presents as well, why am I not mentioned? Did they choose not to? Or did my sister lie about saying that the presents were from me as well? I don't know, I not really close to any of them because of stupid shit like this. It just stings and it's all so fucking tiresome and petty. How to cope with family like this?
asked him about the pics of the hickey on his colleagues neck in his phone.. he let me be for 2 days without an inch of effort to explain.. said tht he told the colleague abt the situation and was thinking of letting her call me to explain. lets all agree on 1 thing. if theres a pic of another girl in any form in his phone and u mad, that girl calling you to explain herself will do nothing but anger u more. besides, trash is trash. the sluts not the problem. "There's a shelf life on doing the right thing. If you wait too long, it's just wrong"
I'm afraid, I couldn't make it in time. I am just at the beginning of my thesis and I have to finished it before april. I just... I don't know.. I am afraid I'll end up disappointing more people, especially the people I love
I don't feel worse on new year's eve because I feel lonely and depressed all year long.
My therapist said that i'm an okay guy but i feel like an asshole. He also told me that i'm too hard on myself
im fucking tired of getting hurt by people. seriously. by my ex friends, by my family and by my own husband. im tired of people not caring as much as i do. im tired of people not putting the same amount of thought into things as i do. im tired of EVERYONE in my life except for a few people left that hasnt pissed me the fuck off.. or made me cry. my standards really arent high. sometimes i just want to venture out on my own and just do my own thing. just get my own place, and live alone with a cute puppy. sounds soooo much better. either that or become a buddhist monk to end the suffering. happy fucking birthday to me.
In beginning of 2019 i start training to compete in fighting, i was never as happy as that, i started feeling confident and having friends and i had something i loved to work everyday, but i forgot that people around you have malevolence and don't want you to do good. 2 weeks before competition, this black-belt guy used the technique drills to sneak in punches behind my head, i got dizzy and the next day i started seeing black dots in my vision and feeling dizzy and blacking out by any movement or disturbance. i could not fight now , and i lost my whole year. now in holidays my whole family comes and i had nothing to show them, no success, just a wasted year and now i'm brain damaged, they all judge me negatively now and as a failure. the guy who hit me, i was dominating him in sparring sessions, so he tried to hurt me during technique drills. i should have killed him in sparring when i had the chance, and retired him. this was all my fault because i didn't listen to my intuition, my subconscious kept telling me everything i needed to do not train with this guy because he was gonna try to hurt me, and i didn't listen, now i lost everything
I used to masturbate all the time for pleasure and the excitement it brought forth. One thing has changed: I still masturbate all the time, but it's no longer fun. It's like a chore in a way. Worse yet, I just find myself hating myself afterwards, or wanting to cry. Each time I masturbate, I'm reminded of how as a young woman, I'm still extremely single. I went to therapy and spoke to the therapist about my dating troubles and it didn't help. Nothing helps. I don't know what to do, or what's even the point in writing this all down. Everyone around me finds someone and yet no one even glances at me because I'm just the 'class clown' of the friend group. And who would even consider dating someone that they don't even notice?