The only reason I am still alife is my fear of death.
I hate when people start arguments about anything related to rape or sexual assault or just taking advantage of people. I get really heated about it because, as someone who was taken advantage of and sexually assaulted, I have very strong opinions. And I've come to realize that people who haven't been in those situations just... don't understand. Like for example, people don't get that someone can take advantage of a willing participant. A group chat was arguing with me that celebrities who sleep with their fans aren't doing anything wrong as long as everyone is over 18 because the fans want it. But I argued that they're using their status and taking advantage of the fans' adoration to just use them like a sex toy before tossing them aside and moving on, and it's disgusting behavior. Now I just can't stop thinking of my personal experience and I'm so angry that people are okay with that kind of thing, and my mood is ruined. It's just so upsetting.
I thought I would not have to use confesster again but I need to talk about something. My brother sexually assaulted me a few years ago and since then I've been goingback and forth from "fine i'm over it" to "oh wait no i'm not okay at all". Tonight is one of the not okay moments. My current boyfriend and a couple friends know about this, but I don't want to talk to them about this totally out of the blue, they would not understand why I would bring that up for no apparent reason. The fact is that there is no actual reason, some nights I just can't help but think about it again and again and re-live the moment and feel so stuck but I can't stop. It's been more than two years and I'm still not fine. I'm beginning to think that if I stopped hiding it from everyone it would help me, because I feel like I'm protecting him while he's the one who has destroyed me. But the major problem is that if I talk about this, my parents would end up at least as sad as I am, my family would be totally ruined and broken down. I know it would be his fault and not mine, but the results for everyone else but me would be awful. I guess I don't want to do it but I wish I could. Please help.
Everytime I am about to start my cycle or on the day I start my cycle, my mood swings are extreme. I feel paranoid, as if people around me seem hostile and cold. I make eye contact with people, and I feel like their expressions seem full of distain and annoyed. I feel overwhelmed as if people are saying vicious things about me. Normally, those ideas don't cross my mind, but on the days leading up to my cycle, I can't get it out of my mind. I may make remarks to someone, if what they have said was offensive. I try to keep my mouth shut most of the time, but people I work with think I am being disrespectful. Moments I wonder if I should up my vitamins even beyond recommended amount or take a prescription from a doctor. It gets isolating and I hate it. After a few days, I'm back to normal and a lot happier and more giving. Then in about a week, regular, no major thought and back to regular habits. It happens every time. Can any women relate to those issues?
I woke up to my brother having sex with me and he told me I was drunk which I was but I would never agree to anything like that with him. I keep taking showers and I feel dirty. I don't know what to do. I left to my friends house as soon as it happened and going to stay the night to avoid him. I'm 18 and he's 24
Its really difficult to put my desires into words. There is so much i want to do, but i have no energy for anything. I am so tired. I want to get stronger, i want to create art, i want to lern chinese and russian, i want to practice calligraphy and typography, but altough there are so many things i want, i have no energy to do even one of these. I am a bad person, weak and pathetic. Time is running out. I dont want this body anmore, nor this life. Everytime i want to end my life my other half finds excuses to push it back a little. One day when i end it all, the most satisfying thing will be that this side dies with me.
So. I guess I'll type down what's been bugging me recently. I've lost my car to the flood in Houston while I was working. I was compensated for it. I've bought a truck. That blew up and I realized I was scammed by a dealership and I can't get my money back. I lost my job due to not having a vehicle. All the money I was saving up for another car went into paying for a new house to live in with my family since my apartment kept flooding all the time even without hurricanes and was growing mold that management took a very long time to get rid of. Right now, I'm being supported by my family, but I am unable to find another job. I'm in a part of town where there are no buses for miles. The places I apply keep saying that either they're full or they don't answer my calls. It's been three months now. My suicidal depression's getting worse and worse. I keep getting thoughts like, "You're useless" "You can't do anything on your own" "Even if you Uber, you'll only be making 20 dollars a week so what's the point" "Just die already" I've tried reading the bible front and back like my mother suggests but it's just a literary version of white noise. My mom says, "Just wait. We'll invest in a car so you can get a job" which just makes me feel worse. "You're a hindrance" is all I can think. I'm sleeping a lot more now and waking up dizzy feeling nausea. I feel trapped and no where to go. No more. Please. I want it to stop.
The first relationship I was in, i was 14. I lost my virginity (16)to him. I always saw sex as okay. But after i broke up with him, i became very, dont how to explain this but scared and hesitant of the touch of him or any male. To believe i was gay after a while of being single. But i shortly went back to men. This is the fucked up part - 17 years old, i met with my first sugar daddy, 30 years older than me. I lied to him about my age for some stupid reason, i thought, hmm i wonder what i can get out of this. I have the constant thought of being an object or just for pleasure by him. After telling the truth of my age, he proceeded to have sex with me in a stairwell. I thought wow, im so scandalous with this middle aged man: i dont want anyone to know. I continued to see him, he was giving me money, i was very intrigued, i dont have much money so it helped. But as i was bent over in the stairwell my legs were shaking. This man was so intimidating. I think it was a guy i had met with only two times, really made me anxious. Im finally 18, but he could still sense i was scared, we proceeded to the hotel room anyways. That afternoon was bizarre, it was fun, but this experimental side of me made me anxious. We did everything and it was better than my first time. But i felt like it was just him, so intimidating. He choked me with his belt, i almost passed out. I dont know why and how we proceeded to that. I feel as though a mental toll has been taken on me from this experience and i dont know how to keep it together. I dont want to tell people i know this story. Its so fucked up and disgusting, i have a safety plan at school and everything. But they dont know this, this is the main reason why i want to die. So no one can know this gross story. Ive recently decided that i want to stop seeing him, that i am mentally not okay to continue as a sugar baby. My sugar daddy shouldnt need my emotional baggage, but I was never going to tell him in the first place.
I feel like dieing but I know my parents can't afford it, my health is not going well I'm afraid something unintentional might happen but I would be happy but I can't be happy if I burden them with debt. posted here cause I don't want people criticizing me. I would write more but that would mean a lot of explaining.
My boyfriend and me tried to have sex for the first time in weeks, not good. He was too soft when we tried sex so I attempted to give him a BJ for a couple of minutes, no luck he went completely soft. I don't know why. I know we're long term but this situation hasn't really occured before, at least in this extreme. Usually worst comes to worst he finishes when I give him a bj, not this time I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I just lay there in the awkward silence embarrassed and hurt after, trying to think of reasons why. Our relationship is good atm, I'm pretty sure he's not under any stress, he was telling me just earlier in the day that I looked pretty and he wasn't intoxicated or anything. I've sensed he's kind of avoided sex for close on a month now until yesterday's disaster, even when we started I sensed he wasn't completely into it. Even asking him last night why he didn't give me a proper answer. I don't know what to do, we're both only in our twenties, surely way too young to be barely having sex.