My dreams often are eldritch and deeply unpleasant. At least my girlfriend - I think - appears in them sometimes as some sort of "guardian angel"... in lack of a better word. It's really hard to explain. How do I put it, sometimes, since I am in a relationship with her, (more often since she proposed that we're probably soulmates, if such exist) the terrors that haunt my dreams are banished for a while, while a vaguely female figure radiates an almost blinding, angelic light, while wispering something akin to "come closer, for you are safe here"...which I'll do, but then I wake up or; at least, shift to a less eldritch, but still grotesque dream. That is deeply confusing for me...
This is embarrassing for me but I'm two and a half years of becoming a forty yrs old virgin. So I please ask you all to describe sex for me. Tell what is like to touch another person's skin, to feel that a dick is inside a woman, the emotional peak as you're pleasing yourself and another person at the same time.
I've always had trouble talking to people, specially women. Because of this I have no friends and never had a significant other in my life
I never really have friends. Those im friends with are either my siblings' friends as well, or those who manipulated me a certain way.. i guess people call those narcissist and sociopaths.. idk... But I dont talk to people and if I try, conversations ends with just that topic (school). I dont really know how to make conversations natural. Im careful asking questions because i might ask them too personal questions. Something im more interested in listening to than other conversations (i dont judge i just like personal conversations its not clear why). But excluding my interests inknowing people's personal lives, im actually awkward and shy and as a person I have great insecurities and i havetrust issues so when someone asks me personal questions i ended up lying (my identity mostly) even though i never wanted to but it hurts me when i do it. I just dont want them to know me because its heavy to say it but i wanna know then because possible reason is that, im interested in trying to see who are those living in shit like me. Idk just kinda makes me feel not alone with my feelings. But i wanna make friends, i wanna be honest, i wanna be happy, and better
I miss happiness. I miss my dog.
I'm an atheist and i live in a very religious family. I'm not sure if i should tell them because I'm afraid I'd be cut financially or even get kicked out.
I've been too emotional lately, probably because i took ecstasy a few times not so long ago that drowned my dopamine and made me depressed. It makes me feel everything times 10. I'm glad that I'm surrounded by good people that love me. Emotions are too real.
I go home from school tired, have research deadlines. I just want to watch a TV and rest. But here comes my mom, watches TV with me and all I hear is her rant about the skin tone, nose size, and stupidity of the characters in the tv then makes a generalized and opiniated statements about society from her observation from the TV. Most of them are bigoted, and discriminating abd says its the truth when she knows little about it.... Im just even more drained. Then my brother goes home would talk about his stress from work. Metaphorically speaking, their shit is like a person wearing dirty shoes from outdoors and will bring it inside a carpeted house and will make a clean carpet messy and harder to clean... and if I talk about my own problem, they find loopholes why im wrong... like if I do that situation to them, theyd be mad at me.. earlier, I was just watching tv and my mom, said to the character in the tv, "she has a tomato like nose but she's so nice.. if she could just be my daughter." Like im not doing anything, im just quiet wtf did I do?!?!?! Im confused with them..like i dont know anymore which is a joke and which is serious. I feel like living with crazy people and im getting drowned by them... if you tell them to stop joking theyd be all serious with an inner grudge. If you tell them to stop being too serious, theyd be joking and telling harsh things about me... im just extremely intoxicated with thede people.. theyre mental. I love them but im getting more depressed and anxious and i cant study well because people at home are crazy mental!!! Man i want help to escape this home and actually move out already.... i love my education but i really really really wanna be outta here!!!
I think I've lived a good life. Regardless of the ups and downs, I feel like I'm content with where I'm at now and I think this is the perfect ending to my story. I know it's selfish and cowardly and I still have "so much to live for" but I don't want to know what the future may hold. I don't want to know if tomorrow will be worse than today or better. I don't want to continue on like this. I plan on killing myself tonight.
I’m gonna have a panick attack I can feel it