This will be strange and contradictory, but please continue reading: Well, I have almost no self-confidence and suffer of severe selfhatred, for I'm the stereotypical awkward nerd - or rather: have become that over the last few years - yet, I seem to have some form of charisma, as I'm usually to be the one my peers tend to when decisions have to be made...also because people straight up told me that I'm "damn charismatic"...I am peticularly confused by that, and would really like to straighten out all unnecessary awkwardness and become a normie (again?) , but I hardly know where to start and I'm to "anxious" to go out. Guess it's time to grow a pair, isn't it.
I think I suffer from depression but I am scared to actually get it confirmed
Is this a coffin? Am I digging my own grave? I am aware now. Do I still have a chance to leave?
I had a dream the 'she' was pregnant but instead of being happy she was depressed...
If any of you here believe in praying, I have a favor to ask. Please pray for my cat. Pray for him to return home safe and sound. I haven't seen him in a few days and I'm starting to worry. He needs special prescription food to maintain his urinary health, and he can't be without it for too long. I know it's normal for tomcats to disappear for weeks at a time, but it's not normal for him. He always comes home. He always comes back to get his food. He always comes when I call for him. I'm so scared.
why do people speck to me in such a horrible way? Why do they bully me. What did i do to deserve it. Im sick of it. I feel like ending my life every single day.
I really do wish i could take my own life. I really do. But i cant its just going to hurt too many people. im just going to have to go on living in this hell.
I get the desire to hurt the people closest to me. I dont mean physical pain. I just sometime wish I can break them down mentally like they do me. though most of them dont really know how badly it affects me. Its probably not even their fault. It could be just me. I dont think anyone is completely bad. Everyone has someone they treat better than others. someone could see someone as a hero while another sees them as a villain. Lately I see nothing but villains. I imagine being the villain every day when I'm stuck with my thoughts, but no matter how damaged I am, how angry, sad. or even how much I crave chaos I cant find the will to do anything but allow things to happen to me.
I had a girl in my life who I loved,. She threw me away at one point. The only things left behind of her are my memories of her, and a weird feeling. A weird feeling that allows me to instantly lose empathy towards anyone when I think about her or I see something that reminds me of her. It honestly amazes me that she had such an impact on me, that I can become emotionally void at a snap, just like that...
I'm not sure how to have friends. Most of the people I know only talk to me when they need something or to check if they still have a foot in the door. I think I'm boring. I think I crave attention. I literally have to tell myself to stop caring about someone so I dont end up texting them a second time because they haven't replied but read. At work I listen to YouTube videos on what not to do, how not to act around girls, or how to be more interesting. I study body language so I can tell if someone wants to escape a conversation, even been looking into micro-expressions. I dont know how to be social still but I can tell what someone is feeling from a distance. I can tell when someone needs a hug or if they're going through emotions. I know all these things but dont know how to talk to people because now I can tell when their umcomfortable.. sighs.