I don't know what brought it on, but my depression has suddenly come back full force after lying dormant for so long... I feel awful. I feel so alone and unwanted. All these terrible whispers keep intruding into my mind, telling me I'm worthless and everyone would be better off with me dead. I hate feeling this way. I know it's not true. ...Right?
I've reached in my sessions with my psychologist an impass. There's problems I have that can't be solved word's but with actions. I'm just too scared of life that I can't push through the difficulties I encounter and don't even try. I've become a extremely lazy man because of this.
I've had days lately where I wish I could just call out from work for the day. It's just, I hate my job some days. I hate the pressure. I hate being yelled at by mean customers. The anxiety and depression is getting to me. I'm having one of those days now. But I can't afford to lose hours on my check. I just want to cry and not get ready for work. My supervisor doesn't know I have issues with anxiety and depression so I'd have to tell her if I call out.
It was so difficult for me to find out that my biological father who raped my mom looks like me. Everytime i view the mirror I just hated myself... I cant bear to forgive him when I met him. Now I cant bear to see myself in the mirror.
My boyfriend and I had a pretty bad fight lately. In his rage, he said "well maybe you should just kill yourself then". He obviously said it without thinking about what he was saying, and later he even made fun of himself for saying it because he thought it was so stupid. What he doesn't know, however, is that I can't laugh about it. I used to be suicidal (what he doesn't know) and still have depression (which he also doesn't know) and sometimes get "bad thoughts" again. This happened some days ago, but it still makes me feel cold. Unintentional or not, hearing something like this from a loved one hurts massively.
My dreams often are eldritch and deeply unpleasant. At least my girlfriend - I think - appears in them sometimes as some sort of "guardian angel"... in lack of a better word. It's really hard to explain. How do I put it, sometimes, since I am in a relationship with her, (more often since she proposed that we're probably soulmates, if such exist) the terrors that haunt my dreams are banished for a while, while a vaguely female figure radiates an almost blinding, angelic light, while wispering something akin to "come closer, for you are safe here"...which I'll do, but then I wake up or; at least, shift to a less eldritch, but still grotesque dream. That is deeply confusing for me...
This is embarrassing for me but I'm two and a half years of becoming a forty yrs old virgin. So I please ask you all to describe sex for me. Tell what is like to touch another person's skin, to feel that a dick is inside a woman, the emotional peak as you're pleasing yourself and another person at the same time.
I've always had trouble talking to people, specially women. Because of this I have no friends and never had a significant other in my life
I never really have friends. Those im friends with are either my siblings' friends as well, or those who manipulated me a certain way.. i guess people call those narcissist and sociopaths.. idk... But I dont talk to people and if I try, conversations ends with just that topic (school). I dont really know how to make conversations natural. Im careful asking questions because i might ask them too personal questions. Something im more interested in listening to than other conversations (i dont judge i just like personal conversations its not clear why). But excluding my interests inknowing people's personal lives, im actually awkward and shy and as a person I have great insecurities and i havetrust issues so when someone asks me personal questions i ended up lying (my identity mostly) even though i never wanted to but it hurts me when i do it. I just dont want them to know me because its heavy to say it but i wanna know then because possible reason is that, im interested in trying to see who are those living in shit like me. Idk just kinda makes me feel not alone with my feelings. But i wanna make friends, i wanna be honest, i wanna be happy, and better
I miss happiness. I miss my dog.