I don't give a fuck. And I don't know why.
Long story short we'd been friends for a years, not best friends but friends none the less. I moved away, she didn't make the effort to really keep in touch so I stopped, we basically haven't spoken in over half a year. A few weeks ago whilst going through my FB I noticed that she'd removed me as a sister, don't even know when she did that. I should have asked her about it then but I decided to leave it. This morning I was going to message her on Whataspp, saw that it looks like she's blocked me, no profile pic or last seen showing anymore. I'm actually depressed over this because we had a laugh when we did see each other and had never fallen out. I don't know why they would do this. Can anyone relate? Sorry for the lame blogpost but this has actually depressed me, I basically have no friends anymore.
So, I take my purity plegde in my highschool year. Now I'm in college and I really want to have a boyfriend. But I'm afraid if he ask for sex, and I say no, and he left me. Like, is it that hard to keep a relationship away from sex for like a couple of years?
I wish my brain would quit whispering lies to my heart, telling me I'm not good enough and never will be. Trying to convince me that everyone would be better off without me. Making me worry that things won't ever actually get better and all this work will be for nothing. I know it's not true, I KNOW it's not, but a small part of me can't help but doubt, can't stop myself from wondering 'What if I'm right? What if I really should just die and save myself and everyone the trouble?' and I hate it. I don't want to think these things. I don't want to die, I don't want to give up, I don't want to hate myself. Why can't I shake these thoughts?
I really need to get my thesis done, or I'm screwed. But it sooooooooo hard to look for motivation and nothing could motivate me enough. I'd prefer to stay at home rather than doing my thesis, means I have to meet my lecturer. I don't have any problem with her, just I don't wanna go. I don't know...
So, my friend spent the night last night. I work third shift, so I was gone all night, but my sister was here, and she's friends with her too so it was fine. So I tell them that I plan on getting up decently early so that I can hang out with them, instead of sleeping all day like usual since I don't have to work tonight. Well, I got up at 1. They had been gone for a long time already. I called them multiple times. No answers. Another hour went by, no sign of them. I started panicking a bit because I was worried they had wrecked the car or something. Well my sister calls me back around 2:30, and after saying hello, the first words out of her mouth are "Yeah, you can go back to sleep if you want...-" Ouch. "-I texted mom, but I forgot to tell you; we went to the movies.-" Double ouch. "-Now we're on our way to the park to use [friend]'s spirit box. (friend mumbles in background) Yeah, you can come with us if you want? Should we come get you?" I respond with "Well, I have to get mom up at 3." She just says "Oh. Guess I'll see you later then." and we hang up. My feelings are beyond hurt that they just fucking ditched me. And the worst part is, this isn't the first time they've done this. I hate feeling like I'm a fucking third wheel with my own best friend.
I thought he was going to live on forever
I still look at women when I'm not at home but it's nothing like before. I want to have sex with some but that's it, I don't want to know them. Even if could get past my fear of talking to women I don't want them to know me cause I'm a retard and an asshole. People that know me well are aware of this. One of my female friends (she had a thing for me in the past) asked me once why I didn't had a gf which I replied that I don't want one because I don't want to drag anyone with me as I go into a downward spiral. Believe me when I tell you all that my life is going nowhere and I'm likely to disgrace myself rather than improve it even the slightest bit.
You think it's easy being me? I'm a disfuncional adult, never had a girlfriend or sex, had friends but pissed all of them and only three talk to me now (I hate one of them btw), can't drive because of my anxiety, can't get a job because of anxiety and the of not belonging anywhere. That's right: I am an outcast, a pariah and always have been since I can remember.
I hate my life so much and yet I don't do anything to improve it