I hate myself, an unhealthy amount...
I dont know what to do. Im losing sleep fighting these nasty ass bed bugs that just dont seem to go away. I treat and I treat and I treat and nothing seems to be working. I feel like ripping my hair out. I dont my family to be eating alive as we sleep. Its disgusting.
The thing I hate most about depression is how it sucks all of the energy and motivation right out of you. It slowly withers away the joy you get from things until you don't enjoy anything anymore. You just feel so exhausted, so tired all the time, so weak and feeble to the point that even standing up out of bed leaves you almost out of breath. It physically affects you, on top of all of the mental bullshit it puts you through, all of the doubt and anxiety and self hatred. The sheer emptiness. The perceived isolation. Being depressed is so much more than just being sad, and I wish people would quit telling people like me to 'just be happy' or to 'get over it'. I wish our parents and roommates would understand when we only have enough energy to do half of the dishes, or when some days it takes everything we have to just make ourselves eat a meal. I wish people realized depression is not just some emo kid with too much eyeliner listening to punk rock and cutting themselves. Depression is a shadow that is always looming, a weight you always bear, a battle you must fight every single day. I wish more people cared about getting mentally ill people actual help and not just throwing them in an asylum or pumping them full of meds. I wish my friends and family saw how hard I try for them, how much I care for them, how terribly I suffer forcing myself to push through for them. And I wish more of them cared.
i wanna die for some reason and idk why but it sounds nice.. i just need someone
I changed a lot of my personality because of other people (mostly friends that, in hindsight, weren't good friends at all, but also people in general), and now I feel like I don't have any personality anymore. For example, I used to have a very dry, sarcastic type of humour, I really liked that about me. I liked that the most about me, to be honest. But sometimes, people didn't understand that I didn't mean things literally, and thought I was dumb or rude, and didn't like me because of it. I also had a lot of people tell me how they love the way I talk, but I only focused on the negative feedback. So I started suppressing my sarcasm, and now, a few years later, I don't have it anymore. It just doesn't come to me naturally anymore. I lost it. Something similar happened with my interests. I had a lot of "contradicting" interests (I liked make up AND football, for example), and each group of friends tore me down about liking the other thing (people said I pretended to like football to be liked by boys because they saw my make up, my girly friends made fun of me because they found me too tomboyish to talk about lipstick, you get the idea). So I sort of stopped following each of those and tried to get interests that other people expected me to have. I'm an empty shell now. Unfunny, uninterested, boring. I don't know how to go back.
I loathe myself so much
I want to leave but I don't want to leave my dog behind because he's the only one that helps me
I want to leave but I dont want to leave my dog alone
I want to move to West Virginia but I think my parents would flip cause they want me to go to college, but I don't think i want to
I am at a pretty heavy weight right now, I have never weighed this much. I'm 185 and 5'8.. my boyfriend says I'm not fat but i think that's only because of my ass. I'm so fucking insecure about my weight, growing up my family was always making fun of me and saying I was fat, even though at the time I was underweight...